


Seventeen - Twenty-seven

by MsDaHedgehog



Series: Rising From The Darkness Into The Dawn Of A New Light [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bobby Nash needs a slap, Bobby's an idiot, Eddie Diaz needs a slap, Eddie's an idiot, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Family, Insecurity, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Protective Athena Grant, TW mentions of suicide attempt, The Buckley parents are bastards, Worried Athena, Worried Bobby, Worried Eddie Diaz, Worried Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Worried Maddie, Worried hen, worried chimney
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:29:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 66,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29088366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsDaHedgehog/pseuds/MsDaHedgehog
Summary: After the lawsuit, Buck’s still on the outs with most of the team, despite being back a month and apologising almost daily. Waking one morning, and knowing it would be a rough day, Buck relishes with the knowledge that he’d be left alone and treated worse than a probie… except someone’s out with flu and Bobby reluctantly puts him back on calls for the day as a last resort. Something that should make him feel on top of the world ends up feeling like another punishment. Vowing not to let the weight of the day get to him, he tries to keep his head down, only for their first call, Buck’s first in months, end up being one that forces him to relive his past and he reveals things about himself he’d kept secret for ten years.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Series: Rising From The Darkness Into The Dawn Of A New Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134182
Comments: 116
Kudos: 521
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide attempt

Evan Buckley knew the moment his alarm went off he was in for a rough day. He woke with his head already pounding, and a heavy, weighted feeling settling in his chest. He’d set it for a little earlier than he usually would, knowing he’d need the extra time to compensate for lying in bed and staring at the ceiling before ultimately being able to drag himself from the safety of his bed. He couldn’t afford to be late, not with the way things were at the moment. He had a twenty-four hour shift ahead of him and for the first time since getting his job back, he had no will to go in. He just did not have the energy to fight his way through the day. He knew the weight on his chest would disappear the second a new day started, but it wouldn’t make _this_ day any easier. Previous years, whether it be at the firehouse or whatever job he’d be working at that particular time, he would take the day off and just stay in bed, sleeping and waiting for a new day to begin. He couldn’t do that this year though. His relationship with Bobby was too fragile and was no longer in a place to ask favours and he couldn’t risk calling in sick… not after everything that had happened in the last couple of months. For today, and today only, Buck was glad Bobby was punishing him… he didn’t know how he would handle being on calls today – especially with the type of ones they could get… the sensitive ones.

His usual alarm sounded, and Buck forced himself to roll out of bed and onto his feet. His entire body ached. He shuffled to the bathroom, turning on the shower so the water could heat up whilst he relieved himself and brushed his teeth. He stripped out of the shorts he’d slept in, letting them pool at his feet before kicking them aside and stepping under the near scalding water. He barely contained the flinch as the water hit his face. It had taken him days to build up the courage to shower for the first time after the tsunami, and it had taken weeks before he could take one for longer than two minutes without feeling the onset of a panic attack. It rarely happened these days, usually only he was feeling particularly vulnerable. Today was one of those days. He allowed himself ten minutes to scrub himself down before switching off the water, stepping out and wrapping a towel round his waist. He stood staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, noting his pinched brow and the frown on his lips… the haunted look behind the blue of his eyes, no longer bright like the ocean, but dull and… _lifeless_. He had the tell-tale signs of bags under his eyes from a restless night’s sleep, not that he cared, not today. He shook his head and walked away, going back in the bedroom, and changing into his LAFD top and dark jeans. By the time he’d made it downstairs and to the kitchen, he’d taken a little longer than he’d expected to, only having time to grab a banana and bottle of water to have in the car before slipping on his shoes, grabbing his ready packed duffle from its place on the floor, his keys and phone from the table and headed out the door.

The sun was already packing an intense heat despite the relatively early hour and Buck was glad he hadn’t put on a long-sleeved shirt like he usually did. Traffic was heavy enough for him to eat whilst being idle and avoid a call from Maddie when he moved. Maddie. He should have been expecting her call so early, seeing as she knew he would be working. She’d begged him to ask for the day off, knowing that that’s what he usually did. She’d even offered to ask Bobby herself, but he’d all but ordered her not to. He was an adult; he didn’t need his big sister to fight his battles for him. He could handle one day being at work. He’d be doing nothing but inventories and stock replenishments, cleaning the rigs when they came back in and hosing down the showers once they’d been used. Grunt work. Grunt work he could handle today – no problem.

He pulled into the parking lot at the side of the building noting that every-bodies cars were already there. He groaned inwardly. He wasn’t late – he still had a good twenty minutes until he was technically on the clock – but he usually still arrived before everyone (except Bobby). It would have been better for his mood to have arrived first, but luck was not on his side. Buck sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He climbed out the car, his movement slightly sluggish, pulling his duffle bag from the passenger seat, slamming the door behind him a little harder than necessary. He noticed a few people he shared the shift with giving him a weird look, but he tried his best to ignore them, not in the mood for their side eyes and snide comments.

Buck kept his head down as he turned the corner to the entrance, steps faltering at the sight of the team standing by one of the rigs. They were all already dressed for the day, discussing something as a group and currently oblivious to his presence. Any other day and Buck would feel hurt, abandoned, but today he would relish in being ignored and left out. Sure, he would still sometimes eat with them (though conversations were tense, no matter how hard he tried), have lunch or dinner ready for them to come back from a call to (those days he’d eat before they came, serve it up and head down to check the trucks). Hen made him feel welcome, and Chimney had extended his hand in a truce (Buck strongly suspected his sister may have had something to do with that), but it was the near silences from his best friend and pseudo father figure that cut deep. He sighed and trudged forwards only to stop and pull his phone from his back pocket as it vibrated. He sighed again looking at the screen and seeing Maddie’s name. He’d already avoided one call from her and the subsequent texts when he hadn’t answered. He couldn’t ignore her again because he knew his sister and knew without a doubt that she would come to the firehouse in person to see how he was really doing for herself – and he couldn’t have that. He answered the call, shuffling his feet where he stood.

“Hey, Mads.”

“Evan.” Maddie’s heavy breath of relief sent a shiver of guilt through him; his silence had made her worry – that hadn’t been his intention; he never wanted his sister to have to worry about him. “ _You didn’t answer. I -.”_

“I’m okay, Mads,” he said as softly as he could, trying to sooth her worrying. He closed his eyes, tilting his head back and letting the warmth of the sun hit him full in the face. “I was driving; I’ve just got to the firehouse.”

“ _I still think you should have asked for the day off; Bobby would understand_.”

“We’re not in a place for Bobby to understand.” Buck sighed. His sister meant well but she just didn’t _get_ it. “I would have to tell him and that is something I am _not_ doing. I’ll be in the house for my entire shift. I’ll be fine, Mads.”

“ _I’m worried about you._ ”

“I get that, Maddie,” Buck said, a little sharper than he’d intended, his voice raised loud enough for the team to be pulled from their conversation. He swore under his breath when Maddie’s own breath hitched in his ear. They lapsed into silence, neither wanting to be the first to speak. Buck checked his watch and noted he should really be heading inside to change. He took slow steps in the direction of the locker room, giving the team a wide berth and ignoring the looks he was getting from them. He knew full well they could hear his side of the conversation. His plans to be invisible today were not going well. A quick glance to his right meant he locked eyes with Chimney, who tilted his head slightly, silently asking if everything was alright (it was his girlfriend Buck was on the phone to after all). He gave the man a curt nod and continued to ignore the now mildly concerned looks from everyone else to focus on his sisters voice in his ear, freezing on the spot as she spoke.

“ _You’re my baby brother; I’ll always worry about you, Evan, especially with today being_ -.”

Buck stilled, the air around him becoming stifling. He sucked air through his gritted teeth, his shoulders tense, and his chest heaving. It was one thing to remind himself of what day it was, but for someone else… Buck could feel the swell of panic forming in the pit of his stomach and he had to force himself to breathe. He could not lose control.

“I’m perfectly aware of what today is, Madeline,” Buck spat, his voice raised. He vaguely registered not only his sisters sharp intake of breath, but also that of the team behind him. It wasn’t often - rare even - that he snapped at anyone and he hadn’t used Maddie’s full first name in years. He should feel guilty for snapping, he usually does (and he would do later), but he just doesn’t have it in him to right now. “I don’t appreciate you reminding me of it either. I know you’re worried about me, Maddie, but don’t. I just – I just… not today, okay? _Please_.”

_God_ , did he have to sound so _broken_? Did he have to sound so broken in front of an _audience_? He hated that everyone around him were in a position to witness his vulnerabilities, especially given that he was barely on civil terms with majority of them. Buck, who had yet to move, sensed someone coming up slowly behind him. He turned just enough to see Bobby standing there with a raised eyebrow. He could tell, without the man saying a word, that he wanted to speak to him, though he doubted it was out of concern for him; there hadn’t been much of that from Bobby lately. A closer look at his face showed _something_ that Buck couldn’t quite put his finger on. Pity? Disappointment? Exasperation? Buck chanced a quick look at the others; Hen and Chim’s looks of concern were on full display but he was surprised by Eddie’s… Buck had to look away. The anger that usually laced Eddie’s eyes was absent, gone for the first time since he’d told him they wouldn’t be able to see each other. It had broken Buck’s own heart for reasons he hadn’t fully understood until weeks later when they’d met in the grocery store, and Eddie’s words had cut through him like a knife. Eddie looked at him now with a furrowed brow and a turned down mouth. Buck didn’t want this. He swallowed, focusing back on Maddie.

“I love you, Mads, but I have to get to work.”

He ended the call before she had a chance to respond and shoved his phone back in his pocket, now giving Bobby his full attention. Bobby didn’t instantly say anything like Buck had been expecting, instead choosing to fold his arms across his chest and just _stare_ at him. Bobby was scrutinising him, Buck knew he was, and it was making him uncomfortable. He’d waver on a good day, but today the look was just short of unbearable. He wanted to be _invisible_. Buck shuffled his feet, resisting the urge to nervously bite at his bottom lip, just waiting to see what Bobby was waiting to throw his way this time. After what seemed like an age (thirty seconds if he counted in his head correctly), Bobby finally unfolded his arms and took a step forward… Buck had to fight not to flinch and take one back.

“Bello’s out with flu so you’re working calls today.”

Buck tried, and failed, to stop his shoulders from slumping at Bobby’s words. Any other day he’d be ecstatic, fist-bumping and grinning, elated at the chance to prove how good of a firefighter he was but he didn’t have it in him. He just wanted to keep to himself, have as little interaction with everyone as possible… stay out of their way. He knew the others had seen his reaction, had seen the way he deflated at Bobby’s words, if the looks on their faces were anything to go by. He could see them over Bobby’s shoulder, each of them with matching confused looks, with various degrees of concern laced in their eyes. His own eyes flickered to Bobby, finding his expression much the same as the others, but the moment their eyes locked, the older man shook his head and cleared the look from his face and Buck found his heart sinking as his Captain continued speaking.

“You stay back unless asked and you follow every command,” Bobby said sternly, though his tone not as harsh as it had been the past few weeks, just a touch softer but still nothing compared to how he used to talk to him. “You disobey a _single_ order and you’re benched until you retire – got it?”

The air around him stiffened again, almost making it hard for him to breathe. Buck forced himself to stand up straight and look Bobby dead in the eye. “Got it, Captain Nash.”

Buck felt like he was being scrutinised again with the way Bobby was now looking at him. It made Buck feel like he had when he first started, back when Bobby judged everything he did and made him feel like a child when he did something wrong. Buck forced himself to maintain eye-contact, refused to look away from Bobby no matter how uncomfortable he was making himself feel. He didn't want Bobby to know how much he _didn't_ want to be out there with them today. He didn't want Bobby to see him as weak. This is what he'd been fighting for wasn't it? This is what he'd spent the last month hoping for, been short of _begging_ for. He wanted to ask Bobby if he would only be working calls for the duration of the shift and be back on grunt work the next time he was in, but he didn't. He didn't want to push his luck. He could see the others looking at him over Bobby's shoulder, but he tried his hardest to block them out. They were well within earshot, and Bobby had no doubt discussed it with them before he came in, but he didn't want to see the looks on their faces. Something in his eyes must have given away how he was feeling because Bobby’s face suddenly softened, mouth turning down and his brow furrowing. He took half a step towards Buck before stopping himself.

“Everything okay, Buck?”

The level of concern in Bobby’s voice rivalled that from before everything went to shit… from before Bobby lied and destroyed Buck’s trust in him, from before he filed the lawsuit because he was so _hurt_. Buck’s heart ached. For a brief moment, Buck honestly thought that this could be the start of things going back to normal, that things could go back to how they were before but looking at Bobby now, that concern was gone and all he could see was pity in the man’s eyes. It was pity for the man who had formally been like a son to him. It was pity for the man who was so clearly spiralling before his eyes… because Buck _was_ spiralling, wasn’t he? Despite his best efforts, he was once again drawing attention to himself, failing at falling into the shadows. He was snapping at his sister (the only person who had an inkling to what was going through his head), he was raising his voice and visibly closing himself off to emotions he would normally feel. As much as he wanted to, Buck couldn’t allow himself to feel comforted by the concern Bobby had suddenly and briefly displayed because his brain was telling him it wasn’t _real_. It was an illusion, a _farse_. A month of being back and getting _nothing_ but empty looks and ‘my house, my rules’ from Bobby until he was showing all the signs of not being okay? Buck didn’t want to deal with that guilt – from either of them.

Bucks eyes flickered over to the three standing silently behind Bobby. Without Buck noticing, they’d all moved a little closer to the duo, each one of them fully invested in listening to their conversation, thought out of the trio, Eddie was the one who lingered a fraction behind the others… and it was his eyes Bucks had locked with. Buck wanted to kick himself. It was as though he’d (subconsciously) seeked out his (former?) best friend and Eddie was just _staring_ at him, his face once again void of any emotion… almost as though the brief show from barely five minutes before had been a lapse and had breached his walls that had been firmly put back in place. It was all the proof Buck needed to know that Eddie no longer _cared_. Well, Buck thought, if it was good enough for Eddie, then it was good enough for him to. Buck schooled his features, eyes still locked with Eddie’s. He registered the exact moment the man realised what he was doing, because Eddie’s face fell, and his eyes widened as Buck closed his own off. Buck returned his gaze to Bobby and he could tell the older man had seen it to.

“Everything’s fine, Captain.”

Buck’s voice sounded foreign even to his own ears, completely out of place. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so _formal_ when it came to speaking to Bobby other than today. Even when he’d first started, when he’d been invited to sit at the table with them that very first day, Bobby had insisted on being called just that, though he would accept ‘Cap’ to. Buck saw in Bobby’s eyes that he’d been thinking the same thing. He frowned at him.

“Are –.”

Whatever question Bobby was about to ask died on his tongue and something inside Buck broke a little. All the concerned looks meant nothing. Even though Bobby could sense, could _see_ , that something was wrong, he didn’t push. Buck had always needed to be pushed. He may let people believe that he’s an open book, but the truth was no one would never know how he was truly feeling unless he wanted them to know. As much as Buck didn’t want Bobby to push, he _did_ , because it would have shown him that there was a part of the man that still cared but all it was showing Buck no was that he _didn’t_. Bobby glanced down at his watch, sighing.

“Go and get changed, shift starts in five.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Buck gave him a curt nod and turned instantly away, avoiding catching the eye of any of the others. He hoisted the strap of his duffle further onto his shoulder as he marched to the locker room, letting the door slam closed behind him, shutting him off from everyone (as much as a mass of glass windows could). He stalked to his locker, letting his duffle slip to the floor with a loud ‘thud’ by his feet as he pressed his forehead to the cool metal, letting his eyes slip closed.

Could his day get any worse? He knew he shouldn’t jinx himself by asking the question but could it? He’d like to think it couldn’t.

He could only allow a minute at most to collect himself, not wanting to risk giving anyone ammunition to make comments, not that many of them needed the excuse since he’s sued Bobby and the department. He grabbed his uniform from his fallen duffle, changing quicky, leaving his boots off and shirt unbuttoned as he shuffled his socked feet and placed his spare shirts and trousers and anything of value in his locker. Buck lowered himself on the bench in the middle of the room, with his back to the door, and slipped on his boots. He bent down to do up the laces and heard the door open and, thinking it was Hen (she was the only that ever sought him out anymore), sighed.

“I’m fine, Hen.”

“Not Hen.”

Eddie. Buck stilled; hands frozen halfway through tying the laces of his right boot. He hated the silence that stretched between them. It was awkward in a way it hadn’t been before. Gone was the tension that usually laced their silences, though Buck honestly couldn’t tell at this moment in time which one he preferred. Buck had waited a month for Eddie to spend more than five seconds in his presence before rolling his eyes and walking away. He’d waited a month for Eddie to just _talk_ to him, but why did it have to be _today_? Why on a day where he was already feeling like the world was caving in on him and he just wanted to be _invisible_. Sure, he wanted his best friend back, but not like this… not because he was being pitied.

Buck finished tying his laces before standing, stretching to his full height with his stance slightly defensive and looked directly at Eddie.

“You need something?”

Eddie frowned at him, though it disappeared as soon as it came, replaced with the near permanent scowl he’d usually be sporting whenever he looked at him. He stood, arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe.

“Today’s the first day in almost a month where you haven’t come in trying to act like everything’s all fine and normal,” he stated, eyeing Buck.

Buck wanted to sigh, to roll his eyes and point out that he’d actually been back just _over_ a month now, but he didn’t think it would be worth the argument, so he stayed quiet. He tore his eyes away from Eddie, looking down at himself and straightening out the creases on his uniform. He looked up again after a few seconds, knowing Eddies silence and now raised eyebrow meant he was waiting for an answer. Buck really did sigh this time, knowing that he wasn’t obliged to give him an answer but would give half of one anyway, though his voice was quiet and resigned.

“Because nothing is ‘fine’ and ‘normal’ anymore, Eddie.”

Eddie scoffed, pushing off from the doorframe and standing straight. “Finally realised that have you?” He was the one that sighed now while Buck remained silent. “You snapped at Maddie. You never snap at anyone, especially your sister. Wanna tell me why?

“Wanna tell me why you’ve been coming in covered in bruises the last couple of weeks?” Buck countered, somewhat harshly. Eddie said nothing, though his eyes darkened a fraction and Buck knew he’d hit a nerve. He shook his head, huffing. “I thought not.”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Eddie wouldn’t look at him now, and Buck could see it as a poor attempt at lying.

“So, if you were to lift your shirt, there wouldn’t be fist sized bruises on your stomach,” he said, taking half a step towards Eddie, the other man stiffening slightly. Eddie never used to stiffen when he was near, used to welcome him into his personal space in fact. He took another step forward, watching carefully as Eddie’s arms unfolded, dropping to his sides, noticing the miniscule wince he tried to hide. “Or any littering your chest?”

Eddie looked at him now, his mouth set in a firm line. “None of your business, Buckley.”

“I’m well aware, Diaz.” Buck stepped away, turning his back on his (former) best friend. “Your shits yours, my shits mine – let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

Though he couldn’t see him, Buck sensed Eddie about to say something, only to be cut off by a knock on the locker rooms glass door before it was pushed open. Chimney poked his head through, and Buck guessed the man and drawn the short straw when deciding who would be the one to come down and get them. He looked warily between the two of them, and Buck fought once more against the urge to roll his eyes.

“Uh,” he said slowly, eyes dancing between Buck and Eddie. “Cap’s about ready to start the day, wants you two upstairs -.”

“Coming,” Buck said, cutting him off. He looked at Eddie. “We’re done here right?”

He didn’t give Eddie a chance to respond. He turned his back on the both of them to make sure his stuff was away, and his locker was secure, before pocketing his phone. He turned back to them, ignoring Eddie but giving Chim a stiff nod as he pushed past the two, leaving them standing in the locker room together. He heard them speaking in low tones to one another as he made for the stairs, and he knew without a doubt they were talking about him. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, and he really tried not to care, but buck just wasn’t able to today. Even on a good day, he wouldn’t be able to _not_ care, but he just wanted one day where he could shut off completely. Wy couldn’t he just go one day without people talking about him behind his back? Why couldn’t he just go one day with being invisible. Why did Eddie have to choose _today_ to attempt making conversation with him? Logically, Buck knew why; it was because he’d come in acting different, acting in a way none of them expected.

He climbed the stairs, reaching the top and noticed that the rest of the shift on duty had been waiting. He looked round, noting that most were paying him no mind – all except Bobby and Hen. He should have known. He actively avoided Bobby’s gaze, not liking the look in the Captain’s eyes. He locked eyes with Hen, shaking his head at her when she made to say something. She frowned at him but nodded, keeping whatever she wanted to say to herself. He threw her a grateful half smile. He leaned himself against the railing right near the top of the stairs, ready to make a quick escape and start on the daily chores the moment he could. He’d start with the trucks first, like he usually did.

Buck felt himself stiffen as heavy footfalls sounded on the stairs and seconds later Eddie and Chim appeared in the corner of his vision. Chim made instantly for the space next to Hen on one of the couches but Eddie paused. Buck could feel Eddie staring at him, but he forced himself to keep his gaze away. He locked eyes with Hen again and she shot him a sympathetic smile. He could feel Bobby’s eyes on his once more as he felt Eddie come to stand next to him. He wasn’t close enough for them to brush shoulders (which was how they would normally stand more often than not, and any other day he would hate himself for missing the warmth it would bring, the way having Eddie so close would make him feel), but he wasn’t keeping his distance like he had been in recent weeks. This was the closest he _had_ been and given his current mood and state of mind – he found it unnerving. The closeness he craved from Eddie was gone… he just felt uncomfortable.

Bobby cleared his throat, demanding all eyes and attention on him. Morning announcements never usually took long, and Buck was counting down until he could escape down to the trucks. “No big announcements this morning other than Buck’s back on calls for today.” He said it was such emphasis on ‘today’ that Buck wanted to scoff. Of course, Bobby would want to make it clear that he would only be attending calls for the coming shift only; the moment his twenty-four hours ended he’d be back to grunt work.

Every single set of eyes landed on him and Buck fought not to squirm where he stood under all the attention. Most of them looked at him with indifference (considering some of the looks he’d gotten when coming in this morning?), like they couldn’t care either way whether he was man behind or he was out there doing his job with them, a select few were not. There were mutterings, but that (surprisingly) were only coming from the three that he would be sharing the truck with other than Bobby and Eddie. Buck supressed a groan – if he remembered correctly, Hen and Chim were scheduled in as paramedics for their shift. If possible, he felt even worse knowing that the only two people who tolerated his existence would be nowhere near him when they were called out. He would have no one there to have his back… and he would need that more than ever today.

“Chore list has been rotated for the coming week – Anderson, that means you’re cleaning the bunk room and if you try and palm it off on Reynolds again I’ll have you cleaning the toilets for a month, got it?”

Buck tried to focus on Bobby’s voice, but he could barely hear a word he was saying. He was regretting more and more not listening to Maddie and asking for the day off. He could still feel the stares from the few people he would have to work closely with for the next twenty-four hours and he’d never felt so small in his life. He was acutely aware of Eddie shifting, moving a fraction of a step closer. Evidently, he wasn’t the only one who could hear the mutterings. He didn’t say anything to Buck, or to the others, but something told Buck that he wasn’t entirely happy with what was being aimed at him and he wasn’t sure how to digest that.

“I’ve also been told to remind everyone to put in for vacation time if they’ve got outstanding days otherwise you’ll either lose it and it’ll be forced onto you.”

Buck had outstanding vacation days, a good chunk of them he was sure, not that he intended to use them. He rarely ever used his vacation days unless he was forced to… and his brain wouldn’t let him believe he deserved to used them after how much time he’d had off this year already, not that it was his fault of course. Being pinned by a fire truck, multiple surgeries to save his leg and throwing an embolism (and getting caught in a tsunami – but he’d technically quit at that point) would do that. All he wanted to do was work… and part of him believed that an application for time off right after pulling a stunt like the lawsuit to come back would not be well received, even if he was well within his right to do it.

“Now,” Bobby called, grabbing everyone’s attention once more. “Breakfast.”

Everyone dispersed, making for the table where there was already a decent spread set out. Bobby always went full out for their first meal of the day, regardless of whether that was breakfast, lunch or dinner. There were pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, fruit – you name it, Bobby had prepared it – and Bucks stomach churned at the thought of it. He didn’t want to stay and eat with them, and aside from Hen (and Chim), none of them wanted him there, so he didn’t bother moving when the rest of them did. He wasn’t the only one not to move though.

For some reason Eddie hadn’t moved either, nor had Bobby, and both were looking at him. Hen came to stand behind Bobby, gesturing to Buck to come and join her but he shook his head and pushed himself away from the railing, taking half a step towards the stairs. Hen made to protest, and in looking towards her he locked eyes with Bobby. He was looking at him with a frown, a softness in his eyes that Buck didn’t want to see, that hadn’t been there when he needed and wanted it to. He didn’t want it now.

“You not gonna eat with us, Buck?”

“I ate before I came in.” Buck gulped and shook his head, he just wanted to get away. “Is it okay to go and inventory the trucks? I want to make sure everything’s in order for the day.”

Bobby’s frown deepened, and his eyes flicked to somewhere over his shoulder and Buck knew it was to Eddie. “Last call did it before shift change, Buck,” he said slowly, and Buck faltered. He didn’t like the turnaround from Bobby because, like with Eddie, it was only happening now that they could see he wasn’t okay.

“I always try and do it before your first call comes in.”

Bobby’s eyes flashed and Buck felt Eddie stiffen slightly near him and he relished in the fact that his wording had gotten under their skin. It wasn’t intentional, he was just saying it like it was – the truth. He _did_ always try and double check the trucks to make sure they were stocked correctly, and he _did_ always try and do it before _their_ first call. He could count on one hand the amount of times the trucks had been low on something vital, that would have caused delays or major issues if they had been called out. Besides, inventory should be done by the incoming and outgoing crew at the start and finish of every shift. It was something that Bobby had implemented when he had first taken over as Captain (so Buck had been told), plus, it was good practice and just plain common sense to do it.

“They had no major calls,” Bobby said.

Buck shook his head, eyes flying to Hen. He felt like he was being boxed in with Bobby in front of him and Eddie off to the side. He needed to get away, to go downstairs and be alone. He _wanted_ to be alone.

“Never hurts to cover all your bases,” Buck said, trying to stop his voice from quivering.

Bobby opened his mouth to say something but Hen laying a hand on his arm stopped him. He turned slightly to look at her and she shook her head at him. Buck saw his brow furrow as Hens eyes flicked to him and back. He appreciated her looking out for him. Bobby sighed, turning back to Buck.

“Go.”

Buck shot Hen a grateful smile and got a swift nod in return before he scurried down the stairs, jumping the last couple and hightailing it for the storeroom. Once inside and out of anyone’s line of sight (he just _knew_ eyes had been following him and if he was to step back onto the floor and look up, _someone_ would be hanging over the railing watching) he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and gripping on the one of the shelves for support. Never had he felt so drained from being surrounded by his colleagues. Snide comments and side eyes he could deal with today, but having more than two words said to him by Bobby and Eddie? _That_ he couldn’t deal with.

Buck took a deep breath and opened his eyes. If he wanted to make good headway of inventorying the trucks then he needed to start soon in case they got a call. He turned and grabbed the checklist for each truck from where they hung on the wall, leaving the one for the ambulance for either Hen or Chim to do, noting that last shift had signed off saying everything was correct and in working order. He doubted that to be true, knowing that there were at least two people working that would sign off on anything regardless of how truthful it was if it meant they could get home quicker. He started with equipment, thoroughly checking each and every single thing, marking off anything that didn’t match up and putting it to one side. He worked in silence for the next hour, thankfully not being bothered by anyone, though he glanced up towards the kitchen a couple of times and found himself being watched over the railing. The first time was by Chim, who was on the phone – no doubt to Maddie – and was thrown a hasty nod by the man before he disappeared from sight. The second time was by Bobby, and to say Buck had felt unnerved was an understatement. Buck wondered for the umpteenth why they couldn’t just go back to leaving him alone.

Hen and Chim had both wandered down at some point, Chim clapping him on the back and Hen giving him a kiss on the cheek with a whispered assurance that she’d be there when he was ready to talk. He appreciated her not pushing him, appreciated that she was making him aware that she was there for him without demanding he talk. _That’s_ what he needed today. While it was nice knowing he could talk if he needed (or wanted) to, Hen was the only one leaving him be, not prying as if she had the right to after avoiding saying barely more than two words to him in the last month.

While the two paramedics busied themselves with checking on the ambulance, and the rest of the firehouse flittered round doing their own chores, Buck continued focusing on the trucks, moving from one to another, taking care to mark down every single discrepancy as he went: the pile of incorrectly inventoried equipment steadily building. He’d have to bring it up to Bobby – there was far too much not matching up for it to be passed off as a mistake. He wasn’t looking forward to it, not only because no one liked having to report colleague incompetence, but mainly because it would only bring more animosity between him and the firehouse. He tried not to dwell on it; things – _mistakes_ – like what he’d found out, not only the crews lives in danger, but the lives of those they’re meant to be helping as well. He replaced everything that he needed to as he went, checking and then rechecking that he’d marked it down properly – the last thing he needed was someone accusing _him_ of not doing the job correctly… and he wouldn’t put it past anybody to try with the way things were at the moment. By the time he was finished, Buck was surrounded by empty or damaged O2 tanks, flat or nearly so battery packs and all manner of things last shift signed off on without checking. Buck looked between the inventory sheet in his hand and up at the loft, knowing it had to be brought up sooner rather than later. He sighed, pushing away from the trucks and heading for the stairs.

The loft was deserted, completely void of people when he ascended the top step – he assumed everyone was occupied with the days chore list. Buck looked around, noting the kitchen had been cleaned and the dining table cleared of the buffet Bobby had created that morning. Buck wondered if someone had thought to save any leftovers for him. Once upon a time, if he’d missed a meal for any given reason, there’d be a selection of Tupperware labelled specifically with his name stored in the fridge waiting for him to heat up. That hadn’t happened in a while (more so because he rarely chose to eat with them anymore) and he doubted today would be any different, not that his appetite had returned.

Buck pulled his gaze over to Bobby’s office. The Captain had three rules when it came to his office; one: if the door was closed, then he was busy or working on something important and did not wish to be disturbed, two: if the door was ajar then he was working but he was still available to talk if needed and three: if the door was wide open then walking in was free game for anyone. Rule two was how it was today. All he had to do was knock on the door and step inside. Before his reinstatement, before the lawsuit and the ladder truck, Buck would have had no issues in walking in there but now… Buck was second guessing himself. He knew he was right, and he knew he would be doing the right thing but something in the back of his mind was making him doubt himself. Buck shook his head, glancing down at the inventory list clutched in his hand and noting all the annotations he’d made. He sighed, walking across the loft to Bobby’s office, rapping his knuckles against the glass, only having to wait a second before Bobby’s voice came through the crack in the door.

“Come in.”

Buck steeled himself before entering, leaving the door wide open as he stepped up to the desk. Bobby had a pile of papers on his desk and from Buck could tell from the upside-down headings they were vacation requests… they must have been handed in in the couple of hours since Bobby had asked for them. He stood, his back ramrod straight and his whole posture stiff… he fought the urge to stand to attention with his hands locked behind his back. Bobby watched him carefully, letting silence fell in the office for a minute before sighing.

“Something you need, Buck?”

Buck bit his lip before shaking himself slightly. He leaned forward holding the clipboard out to Bobby. Bobby looked between the clipboard and Buck and Buck knew there was no going back once he took it. “I’ve finished inventorying the trucks; last shift -,”

Buck cut himself off, doubting himself once again, asking himself if he was doing the right thing. It would case more arguments, hassle… hatred… and it would all be cause by _him_. He’s had everyone vying for him the moment he filed the lawsuit, was he really prepared to do something (granted not to that scale) like that again? His silence and mental mutterings were interrupted by Bobby.

“Buck?”

Buck looked at him, sighing as he gestured to the clipboard held loosely in Bobby’s hand. “Last shift didn’t inventory the trucks properly; it was either a rush job or they just didn’t bother.”

Bobby looked down at the clipboard in his hand and then back up at Buck, and Buck felt like his was being scrutinised all over again.

“That’s quite a serious accusation, Buck,” Bobby said, giving him a stern look. “Your reasoning?”

“I checked everything, and a lot doesn’t add up, far too much to just be brushed off as a mistake.”

Bobby nodded at him without looking, eyes scanning the first page before flipping over to the next. “And what do you think it was – a rush job or they didn’t bother?”

It felt like a trick question; like whatever answer he gave would be the wrong one, though he could tell by the look on Bobby’s face that it was a genuine one. Buck had to think about his answer for a second, because there was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on about the whole thing.

“I honestly don’t know,” he said quietly, looking down. “But I do know that I checked everything at least three time myself to make sure I hadn’t miscounted or checked something off wrong and each time I came to the same conclusion.”

Bobby’s head snapped up; his eyes wide… as if he was only just truly realising what Buck was insinuating, and the seriousness of what the implications might be. He frowned slightly. “I see.”

Buck’s stomach dropped. Bobby didn’t believe him. It was clear on his face as he flipped through the pages once more, pulling forward a notebook and jotting down his own notes in conjunction to Bucks. Buck watched as the frown on Bobby’s face deepened to the point where it looked as though it would be permanently fixed in place. He gulped as Bobby sighed and placed the clipboard on his desk and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at Buck, face giving away nothing, and gestured to the vacant chair in front of the desk. “Take a seat, Buck.”

Part of him wanted to refuse and say no, to tell Bobby that he would rather stand – that he would be fine where he stood – the other part of him cowered and knew it wasn’t an option. He gulped, nodding as he slowly lowered himself onto the edge of the chair, keeping himself as stiff and straight as he possibly could, ready and waiting for the lecture he was sure was about to come his way. He could feel a headache stewing behind his eyes from the stress of his relatively short but already busy morning, but he willed it away. Buck was uncomfortable, greatly so, and he knew it was showing, both in his face and in his posture, and he knew Bobby could see it. It made his feel worse, knowing Bobby would only see him as weak, as a nuisance.

Silence stretched between them as Bobby flipped back through the inventory sheets, muttering along with Bucks annotations as he traced the words with a finger, almost as if he were willing them to say something different, as if they’d changed in the minute since he’d read them last. Buck couldn’t read Bobby’s face, had no idea what he was thinking as he refused to look at him, keeping his eyes firmly on the pages in front of him. Finally, after what felt like an age of Buck sitting stock still, Bobby leant back in his chair, frowning at him. “This is serious, Buck.”

Bucks stomach dropped again – he was really starting to regret bringing it up at all, thinking now that he should have just left well alone.

“I -,” Buck started, but Bobby cut him off with a raised hand, stopping him from continuing. Buck’s mouth snapped shut.

“I have no doubt in my mind that you’ve done this right, by the book and done so thoroughly, like it should be done.”

“I -,” Buck swallowed, needing to take a second to digest what he was hearing. _Had_ he heard Bobby right? Was he hearing the Captain correctly? He swallowed again, looking at Bobby. “You – you believe me?”

Something in Bobby’s face crumbled and his had twitched as though he wanted to reach out to him, but he stopped himself at the last second, like he couldn’t let the barrier that has been between them for the last couple of months come down. Though, Buck thought, he might break if Bobby fought to make physical contact, and while there was a part of him that craved his Captains touch (a hug or even a hand on his shoulder) the other wanted Bobby to stay as far away from him as possible. Bobby cleared his throat, nodding. “I do. It’s all written here clear as day; how can I not?”

Buck knew that wasn’t strictly true; that just because he’d written it down it meant it was right, but it _did_ mean Bobby was taking him seriously, and that was more than he’d thought possible when he’d first stepped in the room. Buck felt himself sag a little in relief, not enough for Bobby to notice but enough for him to feel the tension in his muscles start to release and his entire body begin to relax. Bobby _believed_ him.

“It’s still a serious accusation, and not one that I’ll take lightly,” Bobby said, but Buck could barely hear him over the mantra of ‘ _he believes me, he believes me!_ ’ running through his head. “You said earlier you checked the trucks at the beginning of every shift?”

Buck nodded. “Always.”

“Have you ever noticed anything like this before?”

Buck started to shake his head but stopped himself, thinking. It _wasn’t_ the first time he’d noticed something like this, albeit not to this scale. It had never been anything worth mentioning, and it had only been a couple of times before, but it had still _happened_. Buck nodded slowly.

“A couple of times. Never anything big; a battery pack left uncharged or a crowbar missing but never anything like this. Those you can pass off as a mistake or an oversight but this…”

“It’s missing O2 tanks, uncharged battery packs and missing tools. This is something that needs addressing.” Buck nodded at Bobby. Bobby sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose again. “I’ll have to call Revers and discuss this with him before pulling the two who signed it off, and I’ll need you to write a report and have it back to me as soon as possible.”

“I can do that.”

“Good,” Bobby said with a nod, pulling a few sheets of LAFD issued paper from one of the drawers of his desk and handing them to Buck, along with the clipboard. He frowned again. “Have you had a chance to go through the med bags?”

Buck shook his head. “My focus was equipment first; I usually get Hen to have a look if she’s got a minute, but I haven’t had a chance to ask.”

“I’ll ask her to do it. Are the trucks ready to go if we get a call?”

Buck nodded once more. “I switched out as I went. I just have to move everything I took off the rigs out of the way but that shouldn’t take too long.”

Bobby nodded.

“Good.”

An uncomfortable silence that had Buck shifting in his seat descended between them. He’d said what he’d come in to say and Bobby had addressed it. All Buck wanted to do now was get downstairs and remove everything he’d switched out from the trucks from the floor and get a head start on his report. The report alone could take him best part of his shift and he needed the floor cleared before the alarm signalled a call.

“Is,” Bobby started, clearing his throat. “Is there anything else you need, Buck?”

Buck shook his head.

“Okay then,” Bobby said. “Dismissed.”

Buck tried not to stand too quickly. He nodded at Bobby before turning on his heel and leaving the office, pulling the door half closed behind him (just as it had been before). It was the longest conversation he’d had with Bobby in weeks, and though there were no insults or cold shoulders, Buck somehow came out of it feeling much the same as he had since filing the lawsuit. The anxiety of the day mixed with having to confront his Captain about incompetence in the workplace was not helping matters. The loft was still void of people, but Buck didn’t allow himself a moment for himself. He made straight for the stairs, heading down to the trucks. He started by moving everything off to the side, out of the way should they get a call but still where he could see them. He wanted to ticked everything off and check it all again as he wrote his report. Reports were tedious but necessary and he knew he was not the only one that hated writing them. He assumed that after a couple of years on the job and having to write one after every call would have gotten him used to them, but it hit differently when he was accusing his colleagues of not doing their job properly. The fact that he was _right,_ and he was being backed by his Captain meant very little when the reality was his report may well cost someone their job or an official reprimand on their file at the very least. It left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Buck wasn’t sure how long he sat on the back bumper of one of the trucks scribbling (in his neatest writing – he wasn’t an idiot) his report, but it was almost finished when he felt someone coming up to stand in front of him. He tensed slightly, not knowing what to expect when he looked up… he only tensed that little bit more when he found himself staring at Eddie. Eddie who was standing with his arms folded across his chest and an eyebrow raised.

“Well, you’ve been busy.”

Buck swallowed, giving him a sharp nod and looking back down at his report. He didn’t know why Eddie was suddenly standing in front of him and Buck tried not to question it as he looked over what he’d written, finding that there wasn’t much more he could add and that he’d covered everything he needed to, the only thing left really was to sign the bottom of it and hand it in to Bobby.

“Cap sent me to help.” Bucks hand froze as he went to write his signature. Cap sent him? Buck looked up, raising an eyebrow at him. Eddie just rolled his eyes. “I’m not kidding.”

The only reason Buck could think of as to why Bobby would send Eddie to help him was if it was to go through the med bags. Bobby had said he would send Hen but if she was unavailable… but Buck couldn’t fathom why he would send Eddie in her place. Aside from Bobby himself, it was Bucks friendship with Eddie that had been damaged the most by the lawsuit. Buck signed the bottom of his report and placed it to the side of him, looking up but not quite meeting Eddie’s eye.

“Bobby said he would send Hen.”

Eddie nodded, though he didn’t move. “She’s on the phone to Karen, something to do with Denny’s field trip. Cap asked me to come instead. You do remember that I’m a former Army Medic having done two tours, right? I’m perfectly capable of going through the med bags.”

“That’s -,” Buck stuttered, completely dumfounded. Did Eddie really think that was why Buck questioned it? He knew Eddie was just as qualified as Hen or Chim, hell, even _he_ could go through them, he just preferred Hen to do it with him because she would actually tolerate his presence, and she was normally one of the paramedics on duty. It had nothing to do with Eddie’s capability, Buck just couldn’t see why Eddie would agree to come and help him when Cap asked… unless Bobby didn’t _ask_ but _ordered_. Buck couldn’t help but be offended by Eddie. They may not be in a good place right now (nor Buck in general, given his morning) but Buck thought Eddie knew him better than to think that. He stood from the bumper, holding himself to stand the full two inches taller than Eddie (only in part because he knew it would piss him off). “I never said you wasn’t capable, never even hinted it; I only said that Bobby told me he would send Hen, because it’s her I usually go through the bags with. _You_ put that assumption there, Eddie, not me.”

To his credit, Eddie looked thoroughly chastised, looking down sheepishly. Normally – _before_ – Buck would have teased him about it, and they’d laugh about him telling Eddie off even though Buck was the younger of the two… but they weren’t in that place anymore. They didn’t laugh or joke anymore; until today – Eddie had barely even looked his way. Buck was reminded of how much he missed his best friend. It would do him no good to dwell his destroyed friendship, there was work to be done.

“Sure you wanna be stuck here with me doing this; don’t you have anything else to do?”

Eddie bristled slightly. “You think I want to -,” he cut himself off, and Buck couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling, but he could _feel_ the tension between the two of them now, and it wasn’t there the second before. “Look, Buck, I’m trying to be civil here on Cap’s orders. He wants me to help out, so here I am.”

“Cap’s orders, huh?” Buck muttered, shaking his head slightly as he moved over to the pile of equipment he needed to shift. “He tell you anything about _why_ you’re helping me?”

Said you’d found a few discrepancies and that I’m to go through the med bags to make sure they’re all-in order while you finish up with this.” He gestured to the pile that Buck was starting to pick his way through.

“A few discrepancies? Last shift didn’t bother doing the inventory before they left, or at the very least didn’t do it properly, yet they signed off on it. There was battery packs that needed switching out and that wasn’t all. I’ve checked each truck, logged everything I found wrong and switched it all out. All this,” Buck said, gesturing to the pile himself, “is what I’ve had to change.”

“That’s…” Eddie said, eyes widening. “A first-class act of incompetence.”

“Negligence,” Buck said, grabbing the dead battery packs with the intention of putting them on to charge. “And this is why I do the inventory at the start of every shift; gotta keep everyone safe.”

Eddie nodded, though Buck noticed the frown on his face. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but at the same time he knew he wouldn’t get a straight answer if he did. He shook his head, heading into the storeroom where the charging station was kept, hooking each of the batteries up and making sure they were charging. He allowed himself a brief moment to breathe, his headache slightly worse than it was in Bobby’s office. Conversation with Eddie never used to be forced or strained, but it was now. He supposed that the fact Eddie was talking to him now without sneering or making underhand comments was an improvement from their last shift together… even if he was only there because Bobby had told him to be. Buck shook himself, bracing himself ready to go back and when he did, Eddie was still standing in the same place. Buck raised an eyebrow at him.

“You wanna get started?”

Eddie’s head snapped up and he nodded, not saying as word as he moved to the nearest truck and grabbed the med bag, placing it on the floor. Buck handed him a clipboard, reserved specifically for the med kits, from where he’d retrieved it on his way over off the nearby table he’d placed it on earlier that morning. Eddie accepted it with a silent nod of thanks, instantly getting to work. The worked in near silence; Buck periodically moving off to the storeroom when either he or Eddie needed something. It seemed like the med kits were all pretty much correctly stocked, aside from a few missing gauze packs from one. Buck’s pile of equipment was all but diminished to everything that had to be sent off to be replaced. His head was pounding as he wrote up the requisition forms for Bobby to sign off on. What he needed was to lay in the quiet of the darkened bunk room for twenty minutes but that wasn’t an option this early in the shift, especially with having had no calls yet and given that his every move was being scrutinised by everyone in the firehouse as a repercussion of suing the captain and the city.

“Hey,” Eddie called, startling Buck into looking at him, gesturing at his head. “You’ve been rubbing the same spot on your head for like, the last five minutes; must be pretty bad.”

Had he? Buck hadn’t realised he had been, but he must have been doing it long enough for Eddie to bring it up. Buck bit back a sigh; it was just something else drawing attention to himself. He fought the urge to attempt to rub the pain in his head away as he shook it at Eddie, averting his gaze.

“I’m fine.”

It was a lie, so far from the truth even he couldn’t try and muster up the strength to try and believe it; he wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. There was nothing ‘fine’ about him and hadn’t been for a while if he was being perfectly honest, not that anyone had noticed (he was far better at hiding his emotions that he would let people believe, until thing were too bad for even him to pretend). His head was pounding, and he was _tired_ , and not just from a bad night’s sleep. He’d woken in a bad mood, argued with his sister and spoken to his best friend and pseudo father figure more that morning than he had in the last month or so but for all the wrong reasons. He’d outed colleagues as incompetent and would most likely be the reason they’d be facing disciplinary action at some point in the near future so, no, he was not fine, not in the slightest.

“Look,” Eddie said, placing the last of the med kits back on the truck before moving to stand in front of him. “If you’re not -.”

“Not what?” Buck snapped, standing from the chair he’d been sitting on, looking Eddie dead in the eye, startling him. He’d had enough of the sudden change in attitude towards him since walking through the door to start his shift, had enough of being pussy footed around because it was clear to anyone who spared him a second glance that it was evidently a bad day for him and they might, just _might_ , be feeling slightly guilty for their treatment towards him in recent weeks. He’d just had _enough_. “Regardless of what you think of me at the moment. I am _not_ about to put the lives of this crew in danger, and you know I’d never do that, Diaz.”

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock at the cold tone in Bucks voice, and he revelled in the brief moment of satisfaction he felt at the look on his face. Him snapping at Maddie was one thing, but him snapping at Eddie, putting him in his place in such a manner? That was something else entirely, and something that hadn’t happened once in the couple of years they’d known each other. Buck witnessed the moment Eddie understood what he’s said, the moment his comment hammered home, in the man’s eyes, and he watched Eddie’s carefully constructed mask crumble. Much like Bobby had in his office earlier, Eddie now sported a look of devastation on his face.

“That’s not what I meant, Buck,” Eddie said, his voice small and broken.

“Save it,” Buck spat, grabbing the forms and his report and stalking away, up the stairs to the loft. He bypassed the few people seated at the tables, heading straight for Bobby’s office, who’s door was now thrown wide open. He gave the door a sharp tap before walking straight in and up to the desk, holding out both clipboards for Bobby to take. “My report and a few requisition forms to be signed to get a few things replaced.”

“Quick work, Buck,” Bobby said, taking everything and placing it on his desk. “Eddie come down to help you?”

Buck bristled, and he knew by the raised eyebrow that Bobby had seen. He didn’t want to make a thing of it, so he gave a nod. “Yes; med kits were down a few gauze packs but that was it.”

“Okay,” Bobby said slowly.

“If you need me to sign anything else, I’ll be in the storeroom.”

He barely gave Bobby a second to nod before he was turned around and out the door without giving the man a chance to call him back. He bypassed everyone once again, barely noticing Chim and Hen exchanging a look, descending the stairs and making for the storeroom. Eddie tried to talk to him once he was in sight, but Buck ignored him, holding up a hand and walking straight past him, hoping Eddie would take the hint and leave him the hell alone. He needed space, and he needed quiet. If he couldn’t justify going to the bunk room, the storeroom was the next best thing.

He closed the door behind him, leaning his forehead against the cool, steel door. It did nothing to alleviate the pounding in his head but knowing it was a barrier between him and the outside comforted him somewhat. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, just leaning with his head against the door before he pushed himself away and headed for the only corner of the room that didn’t have shelving, sinking to the floor and resting against the wall. He didn’t quite curl into himself, but he had his knees pulled to his chest with his arms resting on top, though he had his head tilted against the wall. He would be able to hear the alarm – there wasn’t a single place in the firehouse that you couldn’t – but he could barely hear the sounds of station life with the door closed. It was just what he needed. He shouldn’t have come in. He should have listened to Maddie, listened to himself when he debated the pros and cons of asking for the day off but just hadn’t been able to ask. It was too short notice; it was too soon after coming back. He had banked on still being banned from calls, banked on being the man behind but the universe just didn’t want to work in his favour.

He let the tears fall. He wasn’t crying, but the pressure was too much, and it had to come out somehow. Better this than something else if he was honest. He could head to the gym, let it out against the bag but it would bring questions and he didn’t want that – he wanted the silence. Sure, he knew that anyone could walk in at any moment, but he hoped Hen would keep them at bay, she seemed to be grasping that fact that he needed to be alone more than anyone, and he’d never been more grateful for it.

Buck wiped the tear tracks from his cheeks, hoping they wouldn’t be noticeable. He was twenty-seven, a firefighter, he shouldn’t be breaking down in the station storeroom, he should be gearing up for what could be a stressful shift of calls. He had to try and put everything he was feeling aside, compartmentalise it and focus on his job. It would do him no good to be distracted, in general and because he was already on thin ice. He couldn’t afford to make mistakes, and his brief stint sitting on the floor would be the only moment of weakness he would allow himself for the rest of his shift. Once he clocked out the following morning, he would be off duty for two days; he could spend that time dealing with everything he’d keep bottled up today. Today he needed to keep a lid on it.

He stood, dusting off his pants and running a hand through his hair, only noticing now that he hadn’t gelled it like he usually did. He didn’t like his curls on show, thought they made him look young and vulnerable, he didn’t need to be looking anymore like that than he already did. He was known to even gel his hair when he was at home, for Maddie and Eddie sometimes turned up unannounced – though Eddie hadn’t done that in a while. Buck took a moment stretch, trying to release the tension in his muscles but he quickly realised he was too tightly wound. It would take hours of relaxing for it to go, and that wouldn’t happen until he was off shift. He’d have to deal with it and hope it didn’t manifest and become a problem when they were on a call.

Buck was in the middle of trying a few breathing techniques when the alarm suddenly blared, snapping him to attention. He instantly moved to the door, throwing it open and making for his gear.

“Alright everyone,” Bobby called as he descended the stairs from the loft, grabbing his own gear. “Let’s go.”

Buck was pulling on his turnout coat when Eddie slipped past him and into the truck. It could have been his imagination, but Buck was almost sure he felt the tiniest brushes of a hand against his shoulder. He shook his head, convincing himself that he was wrong, and it hadn’t happened as he climbed in the truck, pulling the door closed behind him. He was in what had been his usual seat across from Eddie, ignoring not only the gaze from the man himself but the glares he was getting from the two other occupants from the backseats. He tried not to let it bother him and focus on the task at hand as they moved through the streets of Los Angeles (even if he didn’t yet know what they were heading into), but it was hard to ignore it when he could feel the weight of their stares.

“What’re we heading into. Cap?” Travers asked, though Buck could feel the man’s gazed still on him.

“A potential jumper.”

Buck’s vision burred at the words. A jumper, today of all days? Jumpers could sometimes be some of the hardest calls depending on the situation. It was never a sure thing that they could be of help sometimes… sometimes people couldn’t be saved. Buck stayed silent, keeping his gaze out the window and willed his breathing to stay even; the last thing he needed was to have a panic attack now.

“What’s it looking like?”

“Teenager climbed an apartment complex under construction and made it to the roof; he’s threatening to throw himself off.” Bobby turned in his seat to lean through the opening to the back, looking at each of them. Buck forced himself to look at his Captain, though refrained from making eye contact. “This is a sensitive one, so I need everyone on their game and to act appropriately.”

They all nodded, even Carter who was in the front seat driving acknowledged Bobby’s order, though Buck was a little slow to respond. He felt numb, like he wasn’t really present. He swallowed down the feeling of helplessness as he lifted his gaze and unintentionally locked eyes with Eddie. Eddie was openly watching him, making no attempt at hiding it once he’d been caught. Buck hated it. Eddie moved his foot slightly, as though he was going to nudge him, but Buck moved his own out the way and back as far as it could go.

“Buck…”

His name was whispered, barely audible through the headset but Buck still heard it. Buck shook his head at him, turning back towards the window, leaning his head against the glass, effectively ignoring the man sitting opposite him. Buck didn’t want Eddie’s concern, couldn’t even trust that it was sincere. He hadn’t had it since he filed the lawsuit; a time in his life where he was near his lowest point and he wanted and needed it, but it wasn’t there, and he certainly didn’t want it now… especially when it was being offered out of pity. Eddie had made his feelings towards Buck clear. Buck wasn’t worth having around, nothing but an exhausting leech, not fit to be around him or his son. Buck loved Chris like his own, and he truly did understand Eddie’s need as a father to protect his son but to say that Buck didn’t care, that he wouldn’t have dropped everything and come running if he was asked? He’d fought like hell to find keep Chris safe during the tsunami, to find him when he was lost, damn near killing himself in the process, to have Eddie dismiss that and not hear him out when he tried to explain his side of things, to say that he only thought about himself, made everything about him? Buck realised now that that solidified the end of their friendship, that the trust was gone.

Buck had his eyes closed, jostling every time the truck hit a bump in the road. It was doing good for his head keeping it against the window, but he just couldn’t find it in him to sit up straight. He wanted to sleep, wished he could just drift off. He could feel the truck slowing, until they all lurched slightly when it came to a complete stop.

“We’re here.” Buck felt Eddie tap his knee lightly when he stood, not letting his fingers linger any longer than they had to. Seemed like Eddie had gotten the message.

Buck followed the rest of the crew out the truck, pushing the door closed behind him. He looked round, observing where they were as the ambulance carrying Hen and Chim pulled up alongside them. There was a small gathering of people behind a police cordon, all craning over each other in fight to get a better look. Buck hated gawkers; their presence always seemed to make tensions run high. Buck fell back, letting everyone pass him as they followed Bobby to the police cruiser he recognised as belonging to Athena. He felt a hand slip into his and gently squeeze his fingers, glancing to the side and seeing Hen looking back at him. He gave her a nod and she slipped her hand out of his, moving off in front of him.

“Sergeant Grant.”

“Captain Nash.”

Bobby and Athena always managed to keep it perfectly professional between them when on a scene together, it was something that added to the fact they were a great couple. Every single person on scene knew the two were married, thought anyone looking in would never have guessed.

“What’s going on?”

“Justin - male, mid-to-late teens maybe, we’re not sure; he left a note on that fence over there.” Athena waved a hand to a fence on the far-left side of the parking lot as she leant through the open passenger side window of her cruiser and pulled a scrap piece of paper off the seat, holding it up for them all to get a look at. From what Buck could see from where he’d positioned himself at the back of the group, the note had been hastily written in barely eligible chicken scratch, Athena herself having to squint to read it. “Says he ‘can’t do it anymore; can’t keep pretending to someone he’s not’. I’ve got more units en route, but they’re still at least twenty minutes away.”

Something heavy and unsettling dropped in the pit of Buck’s stomach at the words Athena read out loud and he took an involuntary half-step back from the team. Hen caught his eye, silently asking if he was okay. He gave her a stiff nod and a tight smile in response, hoping she would leave it at that. She nodded back, turning her attention back to Athena. Buck took a shuddering breath, trying to keep as quiet as possible so not to draw attention from the team onto himself. They didn’t often get called to jumpers, even less so to teens, but it always felt personal to Buck. A teenager wanting to jump always affected Buck that little bit more than if they were responding to an adult, though he’d never mentioned that to anyone. Buck forced himself to focus on Athena.

“Paper has is cell number on it; we called it and have been talking to him but he’s getting angsty, keeps moving to the edge and back again.” They all looked to the roof of the building as she spoke, seeing Justin move back and forth from view. “He’s made it clear that. If he sees so much as a step towards the door, he’s taking a shortcut down.”

That wasn’t good. They normally dealt with two types of people on calls like this. There were the ones that stood straight on the edge, one foot hanging over the ledge and then there were people like Justin, who moved around which made it all the more dangerous (there were also the few that ended up just being drunks and have no intention of jumping, just wanting to be up high to see the view but would most likely end up falling to their deaths unintentionally). Buck looked up at Justin, his mind working through all the possibilities of how it could end, each one worse scenario that the other. He’d seen people like Justin people, helped people like him before, and they wouldn’t be able to move too fast in trying to help him, it would only aid him making the decision to end his life.

“We need the airbags positioned on the ground -.”

“No.”

Buck hadn’t realised he’d stepped forward, pushing himself to the front of the group and spoken until the word came out of his mouth. All eyes were on him, and he could feel the glares from some and see the raised eyebrow coming from Athena.

“Buckley,” Bobby said in warning, but Buck ignored him, stepping closer to Athena.

“Athena,” he said, his voice just short of desperate as he looked between her and the roof. “He’ll jump the second he sees them; they can’t go out yet.”

Athena looked between him and Bobby. She gave Buck a stern look. “And you’re about that because?”

“His movements are erratic, he’s unfocused,” Buck said, keeping his voice low, trying to keep the uneasiness he felt out. “He doesn’t feel in control up there but he’s not ready to do anything but us preparing from him to fall will confirm that; he’ll jump before the pumps are even in place. I _know_ it’s protocol, but we just need to hold off for a little bit.”

“You got another plan, Buck?” Athena asked, hand on her hip. “I’m all ears.”

Buck didn’t, as it happens, until that very moment. “He needs someone to listen to him. Let me talk to him.”

“You?” Athena shared a look with Bobby, his Captain looking just as sure as she did. Their faith in him was astounding, cementing just how much trust had been lost by all of them.

Buck tried to swallow down the anxiety he was feeling being there. “I think – I _know_ – I can get through to him if you’ll just let me try.”

“Buck -.” Bobby started, but Athena cut him off with a hand raised in his direction.

“Buckaroo?”

Something must have been showing on his face because Athena was looking at him differently like she was understanding something that hadn’t yet been said… maybe even as though she thought him a scared little boy. She studied him intently; eyes darting between his face and the clenched fist showing white knuckles at his side and he _knew_ she was starting to piece together and figure out his deepest, darkest secrets. She stepped right up in front of him, leaving barely any room between the two of them, cupping his cheek. He inhaled sharply.

“Please, ‘Thena,” Buck whispered, trying not to sound as broken as he felt. “Just let me try.”

Her eyes widened a fraction, and she patted his cheek lightly, nodding as she turned away to look at Bobby. “I’m fine with it if you are, Captain.”

“I-.” Bobby said, looking between Buck and his wife.

Buck felt his stomach drop again, fully believing Booby wouldn’t let him. “I’ve talked people down before,” he pleaded in a last-ditch effort to convince Bobby to let him. It was the truth. It was normally a tossup between who went up to talk to the person they were there to help, him or Bobby. Bobby because he was the Captain, Buck because a lot of the time it involved being harnessed in and he was the best with rope rescues. He felt his pleas had failed though when Bobby sighed heavily, a refusal ready on his lips, but someone spoke before he could say anything.

“Let him, Cap.”

Buck’s head shot round at Eddie’s voice, seeing not only him but the rest of team nodding at Bobby. Eddie gave him a sharp nod, before averting his gaze back to their Captain. Buck couldn’t believe they were all agreeing to him being the one to speak to Justin, even Travers, Carter and Peterson were giving Bobby their approval (and he was pretty sure the three of them hated his guts). Buck turned back to Bobby now.

“I won’t screw this up.”

Bobby sighed. “I know you won’t, Buck,” he said, turning to Athena, giving her a nod. “If you’re good, I’m good.”

Buck barely had a second to breathe a sigh of relief before Athena was beckoning him to follow her towards her cruiser. He hadn’t noticed before, but there was a cell phone laying on the hood. He knew it wasn’t Athena’s; maybe it as one of the other officers. He felt everyone following behind them and he hoped they kept their distance a bit. It was going to be hard enough doing it in the first place, but the added pressure of having everyone listening would only make it worse. Athena gestured to the phone, turning it on and keying in Justin’s number, placing the call on speaker.

The audible click of the call connecting had everyone holding their breath.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Justin, it’s Sgt Grant,” Athena said, keeping her voice calm but firm. “I have someone here I’d like you to talk to.”

Athena nudged Buck forward and took a deep breath, placing both hands on the hood of the cruiser and looked down at the phone. “Hi Justin, my names Evan Buckley and I’m with the Los Angeles Fire Department.” Bucks voice was a lot stronger than he thought it would be, but he wasn’t surprised; he could keep himself in check when he needed to. “You can call me Buck; Evan makes me feel like I’m in trouble.”

There was a minute of heavy breathing down the line and Buck looked at Athena, but she nodded, signalling that it was okay.

“ _I can see you._ ”

“Good,” Buck said, looking up at the roof now rather than at the phone, where he could see Justin standing close, but not quite, at the edge. “Then you can see that I’m not taking a single step towards the building unless you give me permission to, okay?”

There was a scoff down the line. “ _You’re running this then._ ”

“No I’m not, Justin – you are,” Buck said firmly, making sure to keep his voice even. “You are in control here. You.”

A laugh now and Buck saw him start to pace again. “ _I’m not in control of anything anymore._ ”

“You’re in control of a lot more than you’re letting yourself believe.”

There was nothing but the sound of the wind and Buck felt a little helpless. He stared up at the roof, just watching Justin pace and hoping beyond hope that he’d done the right thing making the team wait before setting out and inflating the airbags. Buck bit his lip; he didn’t want to force Justin into talking but he couldn’t just stand there waiting for him to speak. He looked down at the phone again.

“How old are you, Justin?”

“ _We’re not doing this!_ ”

“Doing what?” Buck asked, to which he received no response. Justin’s outburst had been loud enough to hear from the ground without the phone and Buck knew he had to distract him, keep him occupied with new information. He’d have to tell him about himself and he _knew_ going down that route was likely to bring things to the surface he didn’t want anyone to know, and it would be completely his fault in doing it. Sure, he could lie, fabricate a life he hasn’t led but he’s never believed in lying to someone at a time like this.

“I’m twenty-seven by the way; birthday was a couple of months ago. Wasn’t anything special, didn’t really celebrate it – other than having dinner with my sister that is; she took me to that fancy Italian place that opened near the pier.”

He hadn’t been talking to the team at that point, the lawsuit being freshly filed and there being a no-contact recommendation from Mackey. Eddie, Chris and Chim had originally supposed to have joined them, with them all heading to Bobby and Athena’s the following weekend for a party of sorts, but that obviously hadn’t happened. Maddie had had to physically drag him out the house and to the restaurant. He hadn’t even been able to drink the night away because of the blood thinners. It had been right up there on his list of worst birthdays, not that he let Maddie believe that – she’d tried so hard. He could feel the tension rolling off a few people behind him, but he refused to turn round and look at them – he needed to focus on the task at hand.

“ _I said we’re not doing this_!” Justin screamed, and Buck knew he was becoming frustrated. He needed to get him to calm down. “ _We’re not gonna be all friendly and tell each other about our lives while you try and talk me off this ledge. This is what I_ want _, this is what I’m gonna do._ ”

“Then,” Buck said softy, looking at the roof again. “Why haven’t you done it yet?”

There was nothing but quiet from everyone while they waited for Justin to answer, though Buck could tell by the way that Bobby had moved closer to him that he wasn’t entirely approving of the way Buck was handling it, but the fact that he _was_ handling it was the only reason he hadn’t been pulled off the call.

“ _I…_ ” came Justin’s stuttering voice over the line and Buck knew in that moment that it was working, and he was getting through to him.

“You left your number for us to find, you wanted us to call you and you haven’t hung up on me yet,” Buck pointed out, still keeping his voice soft but firm. “How old are you, Justin?”

“ _Seven-seventeen._ ” Justin whispered down the line and Buck felt his heart stop.

He closed his eyes, the memories of being the same age washing over him… leaving him feeling cold and empty. Being seventeen had not been a good time for him, a time he’d rather never think about again. He laughed quietly to himself. “I remember being seventeen.”

“ _And I bet you were having a far nicer time than I am now, huh?_ ” Sarcasm.

Buck shook his head, even though he knew Justin couldn’t see him. “I can guarantee you it wasn’t.”

“ _No?_ ” Justin sounded sceptical, and Buck didn’t blame him. He knew that if the tables were turned, he’d be feeling the same way.

He laughed sadly again, mindful that those around him were about to learn things about him that he’d never intended them to, and he forced himself to be okay with it. This was a choice, one that he was choosing to make, and he’d have to deal with the fallout. He didn’t have to tell Justin anything about his life, though he knew that making a personal connect with someone yielded far more positive results than not.

“No,” he confirmed. “Being seventeen fucking sucked balls.”

He heard one or two people behind him suck in a breath and he knew he’d most likely be written up for language, but he didn’t care. Anything that kept Justin’s focus on him was good thing in Buck’s eyes, and he was right. Justin snorted for them all to hear.

“ _I don’t think Sgt Grant will appreciate the swearing._ ”

“Can you tell from all the way up there?” Buck joked, turning to give Athena a smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes, finding her giving him a glare that had no heat behind it. “She’s giving me a right good stare-down now – it’s slightly terrifying.”

“ _Only slightly?_ ” Justin laughed and he watched Athena closely as she patted his arm, silently telling him he was doing a good job, though her stance hadn’t changed much, still said ‘boy, you’re gonna regret that’. “ _I can tell by the way she’s standing. She’s got a whole ‘oh no you didn’t’ vibe going on._ ”

“That’s exactly what’s happening right now.”

The line went quiet again and Buck sensed what was coming, was ready for it.

“ _There’s only one way I’m coming down, Evan._ ”

He was right. He needed to get to the bottom of the reason why Justin was determined to jump. If he could get to the bottom of that then maybe he could talk through it with him, hopefully get him to choose to come down on his own. He’d rather it be Justin’s choice in the end.

“Why are you up there, Justin?” Buck asked.

“ _They hate me,_ ” Justin said, sniffing, and Buck could tell he’d started crying. “ _They’re_ disgusted _by me._ ”

“Who’s they, Justin?”

“ _My parents_.”

Buck sucked in a breath that did not go unnoticed by either Bobby or Athena (and he was sure the team behind them has heard it to. Buck had a very bad feeling he knew where it was going, and he was not going to like what he was about to hear, but he was a lot more confidently now that he could talk Justin through it.

“Why do you think that, Justin?” he asked quietly, though he knew the answer before it was said.

“ _Because my sister told that I – I’m gay,_ ” Justin said and Buck closed his eyes, nodding, letting his head hang low. “ _She - she told them when I wasn’t ready for them to know and we started arguing and they told me they were disappointed in my decision – as if I can fucking decide – and that it’s wrong and – and -._ ”

Buck knew Justin was beginning to panic. He stood straighter, looking at the roof rather than the phone, seeing the boys pacing has increased and he was starting to stumble.

“Justin, I want you to take a nice deep breath for me and hold it in, okay?” Buck called, not taking his eyes off him. He heard rather than saw him do it. “Good and let it out for me. Do that again a couple more times, okay? Justin?”

“ _I’m good, I’m good,_ ” Justin said, and Buck let out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, and it wasn’t the only one. Pretty much everyone who was listening in on the call had done the same. It had been a tense couple of minutes, but it was okay for the moment, though with the things Justin was letting out, Buck didn’t know how long that would remain the case. “ _I told her in confidence a couple of weeks ago. I – I thought I could trust herm you know? We’d always been pretty close, and she promised she wouldn’t say anything._ ”

“And you feel betrayed that she did.” Buck confirmed, knowing exactly how he would have felt.

“ _Betrayed. Angry. Everything in between,_ ” Justin said bitterly. “ _She’s barely a year older than me but it turns out she’s seeing someone twice her age, dropping out of college because she’s pregnant with his baby and wanted to ‘lessen the blow’ by telling them about my sexuality first._ ”

Well, _that_ was a lot to take in, but Buck understood it. No one, _no one_ had the right to out someone against their will. _No one_ had the right to dismiss someone’s feelings to better their own. It was something Buck knew all too well, and he was about to do something he may or may not regret. He knew it was coming, knew he could stop it by why should he?

“I know what it feels like,” Buck said quietly, but he made sure Justin would still be able to hear him.

“ _No, you don’t!_ ” Justin screamed, his voice echoing through the parking lot. “ _You don’t know what it’s like to be outed against your will!_ ”

“Yes, I do.” Buck felt all eyes on him. “Because I was fifteen when it happened to me.”

There was a stretch of silence again. No one spoke. No one knew how to respond. He’d kept it to himself for the last twelve years. He’d only really uttered the words to Maddie the night she’d turned up in Abby’s apartment. Buck didn’t think he’d even said it to the people he’d went on dates with, or any of the people he’d slept with. It was his business, no one else’s, and if he wasn’t trying to make a connection with Justin, he wasn’t sure he would have ever told anyone.

“ _You’re – you’re gay to?_ ”

“I’m bisexual,” he corrected. Saying the words out loud lifted something off his chest. He didn’t dare glance anywhere but up at the roof, not wanting to see the looks on anyone’s faces. There was a sudden pressure round his waist and in the middle of his back. He glanced down at the hands locked round his stomach, instantly recognising them as Hen’s. He allowed himself to smile. If anyone was going to accept him no questions asked it was her. “Trust me when I say I _know_ what you’re going through.”

“ _Huh._ ”

Buck leant forward and clicked the call to mute, turning to Bobby. His Captains eyes were wide but Buck couldn’t deal with that now. He kept his voice low, even though he knew Justin wouldn’t be able to hear him at the moment. “Have the airbags set up but have them do it as quietly as they can; I don’t want to spook him.”

Bobby nodded dumbly, a little fazed at being ordered round by one of his firefighters, evidently still in shock by Buck’s revelation. Buck waited long enough for Bobby to give the order before turning the mic back on. Justin still hadn’t said anything but when Buck looked up he found that he’d stopped his pacing and was standing still, though still too close to the edge for Buck’s liking. He sighed.

“You still on the line, Justin?”

“ _Uh, yeah,_ ” he said, clearing his throat. “ _What happened to you; what’s your story?_ ”

Buck should have seen that one coming a mile off. Of course he’d want to know. He could skim through it, give him the cliff notes but he somehow didn’t think it would suffice. He had no doubt that he would be questioned about his revelation later, when they were back at the firehouse and as much as he didn’t want them knowing, and as much as it was his story to tell, he’d chosen to bring it up himself. There was a part of him that wanted to tell Justin everything, if so just to get it off his chest and it was such a selfish thought, but there was another part of him that thought that telling Justin everything would not go the way he wanted it to. It was a hard choice, and he felt Hen grip him that little bit harder.

“I tell you mine, you tell me yours, but you gotta sit down first.”

“ _Deal._ ”

Buck watched as Justin sat down, one leg hanging over the edge and there was a collective intake of breath coming from behind him. _That_ was not what he had in mind, but he took the fact that he’d gotten Justin to sit down at all as a win. He shed his turnout coat, albeit with difficulty given that Hen had turned into a human koala and stayed latched onto him. She did so eventually after poked at her hands, taking his coat with her as she went. Buck looked down at her, finding her smiling at him with tears in her eyes. He was moved by her open display of emotion towards him, but he knew if anyone was to accept his sexuality no questions asked it would be her. He kissed her cheek, before turning to pick up the phone. He sat down on the trunk of the cruiser, hoping Athena wouldn’t mind too much.

“You ready, Justin, because it’s gonna be a doozy.” There was an affirmative down the line and Buck readied himself to open up about his past, and he had to remind himself that it was his own choice to do so. He blocked out the team (who he knew without having to look at them that they were staring at him) and closed his mind off the sounds around him. “I’d had a couple of girlfriends, nothing serious, because let’s face it; what relationship at that age is serious? I had all the feeling they say you’re supposed to have when you like someone; butterflies, pounding heart, blood flowing to a certain body part.”

There was a snort from somewhere off to his left and Bucks head shot round to see Chim holding his hands up placatingly (Hen also gave him a shift slap round the back of the head and Buck had the pleasure of watching him wince). Buck shook his head at him, knowing Chim was only thinking back to when Buck only ever thought with _that_ certain body part, but Buck didn’t want to think about Buck one-point-oh right now. He bit his lip before continuing.

“There was this guy in the grade above who was out and proud and didn’t give a damn what anyone thought, and he was the guy everyone wanted to be… the one they _wanted_.” Buck smiled as he remembered the first guy he’d ever felt something for. He’d been tall, dark and handsome with a bone structure even Hen would fawn over. “He was a good guy; model student, athletics team, basketball, student president three years in a row, volunteered at the homeless shelter two blocks from our school on the weekends. Wasn’t really anything the guy _didn’t_ do.”

“ _Sounds like you were in love with him._ ”

“Something like that,” Buck said quietly, clearing his throat. “I was struggling with math -.”

“ _Why is it always_ math?”

Buck snorted. “Because math is the _worst_. My teacher suggested a little one on one tutoring with him to get me up to speed, but naturally, I said no because I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. If anyone tells you I can be a little stubborn, they’re telling the truth.”

There were snorts of agreement behind him, and Buck couldn’t even find himself to be bothered by it, it was the truth after all. He let his mind wander back to that time. He’d initially refused the help, fought against the idea of extra help but his parents had insisted saying that if his grades didn’t start improving they wouldn’t support him through college, and he’d be out on his ass the moment they had no legal obligation over him. Hadn’t that been a kick in the teeth? He remembered trying to convince them against it, but he’d come home from school one day to find the guy sitting at the dining table being served milk and cookies by his mother. It had been (still was, if he was honest, if he thought about it hard enough) a painful realisation of the difference his parents treated others compared to how they treated him.

“Took me a couple of months to realise I had the same feelings for him as I had for the girls I’d dated. I was confused, _so_ confused but it didn’t feel _wrong_. It felt right and normal, so I kissed him one day in the library, freaked out about it and faked sick for a week to avoid him.”

“ _Sounds… familiar._ ”

“Yeah?” Buck asked, sitting straighter and looking to the roof again. He had a feeling, and he hoped he was right, but he had a feeling Justin might start really opening up to him.

“ _I – I was thirteen when I first thought I might not be straight._ ” Buck nodded along with him. Thirteen was a young age to be debating your sexuality. If he thought he had a tough time of it at fifteen, he didn’t want to imagine what he’d have been like if he’d been younger. “ _I had_ thoughts _; you know? Seeing guys on TV and thinking ‘wow, he’s hot’ or ‘damn, those arms’._

_I was playing spin the bottle with a group of friends and I realised I preferred the kisses on the cheek from the guys rather than the ones on the lips from the girls. No one ever said anything, and I didn’t mention it, but I knew it wasn’t something spoken about with the community my parents are a part of, so I couldn’t exactly come out and say after Church on a Sunday ‘hey mom, dad, I think I like boys because seeing one shirtless makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside._ ”

Buck could sympathise and quick glance at Hen said that she could to. There was a fire behind her eyes, and he knew if she had a chance to get to the parents she would. His own experiences aside, no one – whatever their age – should feel like they couldn’t talk to someone – anyone – about their thoughts or feelings… and he knew he was being completely hypocritical. In his defence though, when he has tried to speak to someone, his feelings have been dismissed or downplayed and the one time in his adult life he spoke to a therapist, he slept with her while being taken advantage of… not even knowing it until it had been pointed out to him.

“ _I kissed a guy for the first time, properly, just after my fourteenth birthday, when we were on vacation and…_ ”

“And,” Buck prompted gently.

“ _I liked it,_ really _liked it but he, uh, pushed me away and was just like ‘what the hell?’ and I ran, faked being sick for the remainder of our stay and never told anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone._ ”

“Not so different, are we?” It was almost the same as what had happened to him.

“ _I guess not,_ ” Justin agreed. “ _What happened after?_ ”

“Short story is I apologised, and we were able to talk through it. We dated for the remainder of the year and he respected that it was all new to me.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Justin’s breathing became loud and heavy over the phone.

“ _So you were out and proud?_ ” Justin spat, and Buck watched in horror as he swung his other leg over the edge.

“I wasn’t out, Justin,” Buck corrected, watching for any other signs of movement. “I’ve never really been _out_. We dated in secret and he said he was okay with that.”

Justin was silent for a minute or two, but Buck could still hear him breathing. He looked over to the bottom of the building and noted that the rescue bags were securely in place, pumped up and ready. The building itself was a couple of storeys, not massively tall, but even a fall from that height on to the bags could pose an injury risk and if Justin moved too far one side or the other, then he would likely miss the if he went down.

“ _Was he the one that betrayed you?_

Buck was almost startled by the quiet voice, and he could tell he wasn’t the only one. He shook his head, well aware that Justin wouldn’t be able to see from up there, but that everyone else could. “Not him. We’d go to this park near the school after dark; to a tree that was pretty secluded because the roots had grown through the ground and it wasn’t the safest place to get to. The gate were always locked early, but there was a fence with a couple of loose bars that we’d squeeze through. It was the only place we could go and just be _us_ , and that was my fault.”

There had been too many close calls of someone finding them for his liking and it hadn’t wanted to risk being found anymore. It had been Cal’s idea to go to the park. There’d always been a rumour floating round that it was haunted, so everyone had avoided it after dark (stupid really, if he thought about it now) but no one attempted to go in after the gates were locked. _They_ hadn’t been the ones to loosen the bars, but they were the only ones it seemed that utilised their existence. He thought they were safe in the park, they both had, and they _had_ been. Buck shuddered at the memory.

“My neighbour, the only kid on the street my age, followed me one night right to the tree and waited for us to make-out before letting us know she was there.” Buck bit his lip, watching as Carter checked over the pumps, double checking they were working properly. “I asked Cal to leave us to talk, he did, and I _begged_ her not to tell my parents because I wasn’t ready for them know and she -.”

“ _Promised she wouldn’t,_ ” Justin finished for him, an undertow of understanding in his voice.

“Yeah,” Buck said, clearing away the thickness in his throat.

“ _Evan,_ ” Justin said, his voice quiet and unsure. Buck looked up, just making out that he was being watched. “ _She told them, didn’t she?_ ”

“Got it in one. Really thought she wouldn’t.” Buck sighed, rubbing his free hand over his face. “We’d lived next to each other for as long as I could remember. She’d had a crush on me since we were ten, but I’d always seen her like a sister.”

It has been an awkward conversation to have, letting her down gently. Anyone else and he would have shrugged them off, told them he was flattered but not interested… he hadn’t been able to do that with Jen though. Her parents had been going through a nasty divorce and he’d been the only one she could talk to. He’d felt bad for weeks when she’d taken to ignoring him. They’d managed to mend their friendship though, gotten back to a good place… at least he _thought_ they had.

“Our parents tried to push us together, you know, because we were the only two on the street and it would have been easy. They said we’d make the cutest couple at homecoming, that we had _potential_. _My_ parents couldn’t care less but they were very _in_ with Jen’s mom, so they went along with it.” Buck knew he sounded bitter, but he couldn’t help it. It had been all that was talked about whenever they all got together, and he’d been forced to laugh it off even though he knew it hurt Jen every time it was mentioned. He sighed again, knowing what part of the story came next. He wondered if he should be truthful, whether now was the time or place for him to say it.

“I was finally becoming comfortable enough in myself to admit that I was bi, just not quite enough to tell anyone. Jen left me in the park, and I took the long way home because I needed the time to think but when I got home…” Buck trailed off, tilting his head back as a light breeze passed through. “I found my parents waiting for me on the front porch with her in the middle of them and this stupid, smug smile on her face. I knew what she’d done the moment I saw it.”

He could hear angry mutterings coming from his left, but he didn’t dare look to see who it was, though if he had to take a guess, it would be Hen. He knew she didn’t have the best coming out herself. Buck closed his eyes and took a deep breath, ready to carry on talking but Justin beat with to it.

“ _What did your parents do?_ ”

Well, wasn’t that the million-dollar question? Buck knew it was coming, knew it was the logical next question. Again, he could lie, give a vague answer but something told him he needed to tell the full truth. It was almost as if he was compelled to, not only for Justin’s benefit, but for the benefit of all those standing around him, the ones that claimed to know him. Would it make them view him a little different? Sure, but was that really an issue right now? They already viewed him differently since he filed the lawsuit. He gave a dry laugh.

“Mom? She did nothing, just stood there staring at me with a look of indifference… she never really cared what I did to be honest, so I don’t think she had an opinion.” His mom never commented on her views on sexuality, it never came up in conversation. His dad was a lot more vocal on the matter. He shook his head again. “My dad though, _God_ he was so angry. He sent my neighbour home to her mom with a smile and a ‘we’ll see you both tomorrow’, ordered me in the house and then…”

Buck froze, the memories of that night flashing before his eyes. It had been a long time since he’d last thought about it. He remembered the screaming, the crying, things being thrown. He remembered his mom trying to calm his dad down, but not once did she try and talk to _him_ ; she was more concerned about the freshly laid floor being scuffed, going as far as telling him to ‘move it to the kitchen because it’s getting redone in two weeks anyway’. His headache, which had laid dormant with having no time to think about it was now back with a vengeance, pain vibrating against is skull with every beat of his heart, making him feel nauseous. Buck zoned out, was no longer aware of his surroundings at all. He could feel something shaking, but he didn’t realise it was _him._ He was back in his childhood home, staring at his fathers red face as he screamed profanities at him.

“ _Evan?_ ”

Buck snapped back to the present, back from being fifteen and terrified of his father, back to sitting on the hood of Athena’s cruiser and not knowing if that was the first time Justin had called his name or not. He suspected it hadn’t been, there was an urgency to the teens voice that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. He shook himself lightly, careful not to aggravate the pain in his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. He should really ask someone if they had any Tylenol.

“He beat me until I could barely breathe.” Buck’s voice cracked slightly right at the end, and he had to force himself not to break, squeezing his eyes closed and hoping no tears fell.

There was movement behind him, and he didn’t want to look at whoever was approaching. An arm slipped round his shoulder and he was pulled against someone’s chest. He knew it was Athena, could tell by the smell of her perfume. He leant into her touch, collapsing slightly against her chest. He’d never told anyone before, except from Maddie who’d heard the story once and they hadn’t spoken about it again. He hadn’t been intending to tell this much of his story, just wanted to tell Justin the basics but he couldn’t stop. Each part was as important as the one before, it was like he couldn’t say one thing without saying something else and he wished he’d never started, wished he’d thought of another way of getting Justin to talk.

“ _My dad’s never laid a finger on me…_ ” Justin whispered.

“Good,” Buck said, his voice cracking again as Athena rubbed her thumb lightly against his neck. He cleared his throat, straightening up slightly, though Athena didn’t relent on her hold on him. “It was the one and only time he ever did, but once was enough. What did they say to you?”

“ _That…_ ”

“Justin?”

“ _That it wasn’t right, it wasn’t normal, and they wouldn’t even look at me._ ”

Buck felt as though they were getting somewhere now. He looked up at the sound of shuffling over the line, noting that Justin was no longer sitting with his leg hanging over the edge, he was out of view completely.

“And?” Buck asked.

“ _And I ran and came here._ ”

Buck guessed that his decision to climb onto the roof was a rash one - not that it made the threat of him jumping any less serious - but it meant that he may not have thought it through. Buck needed to get him to agree to come back down and then maybe he could… Bobby always told them that they had to walk away when the job was done, but Buck knew he wouldn’t be able to step away. There _was_ a personal connection, Buck had made one, had been what Justin had himself – he wouldn’t be able to just walk away and forget about it when they were done, and he didn’t want to. He wanted to help Justin in every way that he could.

“ _Evan?_ ” Justin called, and Buck hummed in response. “ _All this happened when you were fifteen right?_

“Yeah,” Buck confirmed, tilting his head to look at the roof again.

“ _So…_ ” Justin said slowly, and Buck knew what he was about to ask. He had said, right at the beginning, that being seventeen had fucking sucked, hadn’t he? “ _Why was being seventeen so much worse?_ ”

Regardless of whether or not he knew the question was coming, Buck still had to think long and hard about his answer. He couldn’t just dive right into it, he had to explain how and why he got there. “The day my dad beat me, the day I was outed, was the last time he spoke to me.”

He’d barely looked at him after leaving him fighting for breath on the kitchen floor, ordering his mom to clean him up and get him upstairs and out of his sight. His mom hadn’t even tried to justify his behaviour, just said to stay out of his way from then on as she cleaned and disinfected the cuts on his face, wrapped his wrist and prodded his ribs to see if they’d been broken. They hadn’t been, just heavily bruised but he’d had difficulty taking more than a shallow breath for weeks. He stayed away from his dad, as much as he could but whenever they _had_ to be in the same room there was… nothing.

“We lived in the same house but… he never spoke to me again, wouldn’t look at me. My mom only spoke to me if she needed to.”

She still cooked for him, made sure he had what he needed but told him he needed to find himself a weekend job to keep him out of the house and from under their feet. He worked for the local garage from his sixteenth birthday to the moment he started college.

“My sister had been out of the house for a while at this point, gotten married and living her life. I didn’t want to brag her into my bullshit when she’d gotten out from under our parents thumbs herself.”

He had been part of the wedding party as a groomsman, per Maddie’s request but their parents had only been invited out of curtesy. They hadn’t gone, just sent a well wishes and a gift basket in their place. Buck had gone on his own, spent the weekend watching his sister smile and being happy as he pretended not to be going through a sexuality crisis while she looked at Doug with love and adoration… if only they knew then how it would end years later. She’d been busy with married life and nursing school that they barely got a minute to speak anymore, and she never visited; he didn’t want to waste what time he _did_ get to speak to her by telling her about his problems.

“ _What happened to the guy you’d been seeing – Cal?_ ”

“He transferred to another school and I never saw him again.” Buck frowned. He’d been so upset when he’d found out he was gone, but it wasn’t like he could come out and say the real reason he was so interested in knowing. Cal hadn’t said goodbye, left him a note in his locker or anything, just… disappeared. He’d tried finding him on Facebook, and any other social media he could think of, a few years ago to no avail. “Still not sure to this day what happened, but I’m almost certain my dad had something to do with it; sure, he wouldn’t’ speak to _me_ but he could be very vocal in other ways. A new independent store opening in town that he didn’t like the look of? Gone within a week. Too much funding going to the arts department at school? It gets cut and moved to the football team. Did I mention he was the owner and CEO of a successful business and was very influential in the community?”

Buck shook his head. It had been a long time since he’d thought about his dad, or his parents in general, and it always made him feel ill when he did. He hadn’t seen or heard from them in years, didn’t even know if they lived in the same place, ran with the same people, had the same _views_.

“I had…” Buck stopped himself, knowing he was about to enter very dangerous territory… the very reason why his day had started off so bad, why he usually took it off and spent the day buried under his comforter and slept until a new day dawned. “I was so _alone_. There was no one I could talk to, no one that would have understood. The only person who knew of anything going on had _left_ me. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I know what you’re going through because I know _exactly_ how you’re feeling right now. I had a dark cloud hanging over my head. I was in a bad place for such a long time and I forced myself to keep going until I just… couldn’t.”

“ _I… I don’t understand._ ”

Justin may not have been able to understand where he was going but the people around Buck could. He heard the soft gasps and the low murmurs. He felt Athena’s hold on him become so tight it hurt. He saw Bobby walked forward and drop to his knees in front of him, reaching to grip onto his free hand and Buck didn’t know whether to hold on tighter or push it away. He took a deep breath, knowing that once the words were out there, there would be no taking them back.

“Ten year ago today, when I was seventeen, I stood on the roof of my high school and tried to throw myself off."


	2. Secrets Close To The Chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say 4x04? Oliver Stark? That acting? Holy shit. 
> 
> He doing us Brits proud!

There. He had done it. He’d said it, out loud, for the first time in nearly two years and his stomach churned at the thought of having _actually_ done it. His deepest, most personal, secret was out there in the light LA breeze for everyone to hear and hear they did… and Buck was fast hating the fact that they did. Buck felt a tear slip down his cheek and discretely tried to wipe it away, though he was sure Bobby and Athena knew what he was doing, and he again had to remind himself that he had chosen to reveal it. He hadn’t been forced against his will into revealing his past with a knife to his throat or a gun to his head… just willingly did so to a teenage boy who reminded him so much of himself that he couldn’t stand around and do nothing. He didn’t have to glance to his left to know the team were staring at him, he could _feel_ the intensity of it. He knew they wouldn’t be looking at him like a teammate telling his origin story, but they’d be staring at him with pity in their eyes – it was just another chapter in the ‘Evan Buckley Tragedy’ story – and he didn’t want that. He’d gotten it when he fell in love with an older woman who’d ghosted him until he’d finally given up waiting and moved out of her apartment. He’d gotten it when he was laid up with his leg in a cast with screws keeping the bone together underneath and the girl he’d been falling for leaving him to live a life without the constant threat of danger. He’d gotten it every time something bad had happened to him and he couldn’t stomach getting it again now.

He felt Athena squeeze him impossibly tighter, almost painfully so, almost as if she was trying to break him in two… but it made him feel safe at the same time. The pressure of someone holding onto him, _caring_ about him, was comforting. It was different to Bobby trying to do it. Buck couldn’t explain why, but it just _was_. He’d barely spoken to Athena in as much time as he had everyone else, but… it wasn’t the same… maybe it was because she wasn’t doing in an attempt to make herself feel better, which was the only reason Buck believed Bobby was. She whispered sweet reassurances in his ear, telling him everything was going to be okay and he tried to believe her, her really did, but how could it? Everything would change now. He felt the weight of Bobby’s hand wrapped in his, but Buck refused to look down at him. He didn’t want the comfort from him. Bobby didn’t get to pick and choose what part of Buck’s pain he got to be there for. It was all or nothing – and Bobby had made his choice. Buck slowly pulled his hand away, wrapping his now free arm around his stomach and out of reach of his Captain. If he had looked at Bobby then, he would have seen the man’s own hand fall limply to his side and his crestfallen face staring at him.

“ _I…_ ” Justin said, sounding both stunned and bewildered. Buck couldn’t blame him really; he supposed it was a bit of a shock to hear it coming from the guy trying to talk him down. “ _I – I don’t believe you._ ”

Buck tensed, and he wasn’t the only one; Athena had tensed right along with him and Buck was sure some of the others had to. Athena’s nails dug painfully into his arm as she cursed in low tones, meant only for him to hear. She was pissed – Athena _never_ curses. Buck stared numbly at the phone in his hand. Justin didn’t believe him? Justin thought he’d _lie_ about something as painful and important as this? Buck had been nothing but _honest_ with the teen since the moment they’d started talking. He’d _sympathised_ with him the entire time. Maybe… maybe talking about himself hadn’t been the right thing to do. No – Buck refused to let himself think that. Talking about his own personal experiences _had_ been helping and he _had_ been getting through to Justin. Buck was pissed that his own trauma was being dismissed as a lie. Buck shrugged Athena off as quickly as he could and stood, almost knocking into Bobby (who had still been crouched down in front of him) and sending him flat on his ass – he only just managed to save himself. His movement was so abrupt he knew he’d shocked everyone. _Good_ , he thought, he still had some shock factor left in him. He took a few steps towards the building, gripping the phone tightly in his hand, angled towards his face as he broke the promise he’d made to Justin at the start of the call. He was only a couple of steps past the cruiser, he hadn’t broken the promise by much, but he found himself almost uncaring. He was _angry_.

“You think I’m _lying_?” Buck said, his voice cracking slightly right at the end. _Fucking hell_ , this was not at all going the way he thought it would. He’d bared his soul dry of things he’d kept secret for a decade and more. How could someone going through the near exact same thing accuse him of lying about it? Justin had been so quick to accept and believe his coming out story, why wasn’t he able to do the same with this to? Buck couldn’t help but be defensive. “Why would I lie about this when I’ve been so brutally honest about everything else?”

It was silent for a few minutes, and the only reason Buck knew Justin was still on the line was because he could hear his breathing. Buck took the time to try and calm himself down, to try and _breathe_. It would be no good if he let himself become snappy, it would just push Justin to want to jump, and Buck didn’t want that, no one wanted that. He felt as though he was panicking. Too much had happened in too short a time… too much had happened that morning alone, hell, too much had happened in the last _year_.

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” Justin whispered. Buck hadn’t been expecting him to say anything yet, hadn’t been ready for it, and flinched slightly when he heard his voice. “ _It just sounds so familiar that I -I’m sorry_.”

“Don’t be,” Buck said, letting out a puff air and sighing. The more he focused on his breathing, the more Buck found his anger dissipating. He was just starting to feel drained, empty. He gave a harsh laugh. “I can call my sister and you can ask her if you want to? She was the only one who knew before today what I tried to do.”

It was an empty threat, one that Buck knew Justin wouldn’t have taken anyway. There was no way he would call Maddie and have her talk to Justin, he wouldn’t involve her like that… and the next time he talked to his sister, it would be to apologise for snapping at her when she was only trying to help, not to have her explain her hearing of his story to a complete stranger. He knew Justin was just processing. He knew that he was starting to see that he wasn’t alone in what he was going through, that others had been through it before him. He knew he was processing that his own story didn’t have to have the ending he’d originally intended.

“ _Was she angry at you?_ ”

Justin’s voice was so quiet, so small, that Buck’s heart nearly broke at hearing it. Buck could almost see his face in his minds eyes, could almost see the worry for others and not himself. He was thinking about how others would react… and to Buck that was a good sign, however painful it was.

Buck shook his head. “She was angry at herself because she hadn’t been there for me, but not _at_ me.”

Maddie had been near inconsolable when Buck had first told her, when she realised how close she had been to losing her baby brother and she hadn’t even known. She had cried into his chest as he held her tight, telling her how close he’d been to ending his life. She had held him just as so when he sobbed out his apologies, telling him he had nothing to be sorry for and that she loved him... that she was proud of him. A lot of tears had been shed that night, and not once had the blame been put on him. They’d talked about everything, every single thing that they’d missed from each other’s lives; about Doug, about nursing school, about his past relationships and how he’d ended up in California. They’d talked until their voices were hoarse and they were both emotionally wrung out, curling up on Abby’s bed together and sleeping for almost twelve hours straight. They’d made an agreement that night that there would be no more distance between them, thus the ‘Buckley Sibling Night’ became about, and they’d made time for it once a week, every week, since… even when they’d had minor spats and were pissed at each other; he’d turn up at her apartment with a case of beer and a bottle of wine, and she’d already have dinner set out of them. It had been moved to his apartment after the bombing, but it hadn’t stopped. They hadn’t missed a sibling night in the nearly two years she’d been back in his life.

“We’ve spent a lot of time over the last two years discussing it.”

“ _What changed in the last two years?_ ”

What _hadn’t_ happened in the last two years would have been a better question… but a lot of that didn’t technically apply here. Buck bit his lip, thinking back to the day he returned to Abby’s apartment to find Maddie there, shuddering when he remembered _how_ he’d found her. “She came back into my life after years of being out of it. The night she turned up, she told me her secrets after I’d told her mine. She’s… she’s her own survivor, and that’s her story not mine so I won’t say it.”

All the years he and Maddie had spent apart flashed before his eyes, each accomplishment of the other they’d missed. He hadn’t been there to congratulate her on the first nursling placement she’d gotten, and she wasn’t there when he finally found something that fit him. Buck knew and understood why Maddie drifted away and he didn’t hold that against her, no matter how much it hurt.

“I didn’t see her for years, not until after she left her husband and came to find me here.” That in itself had surprised Buck. Maddie hadn’t responded to a single one of his letters, calls or postcards… he hadn’t even been sure she’d gotten them. She had though, every single one, and they’d all been bound together in elastic bands, safely tucked away in the bottom of her suitcase… one of the very few personal possessions she’d managed to bring to LA with her. “She’s the only one that knew about my bisexuality and my attempt to kill myself.”

“ _Until now._ ”

Buck shivered involuntarily at the reminder that the team and Athena all now knew about his past. He refused to look back over his shoulder at them. “Until now.

“ _Why did you change your mind?_ ”

Buck should have been expecting the question, but it somehow still caught him off guard. “I didn’t exactly change my mind, not until later.”

He shuffled where he stood, trying to think of the words. He knew he would have to tread carefully with everything he said from here on out. It was one thing to tell somebody that you tried to kill yourself, but it was another to tell them that you didn’t actively make the decision not to.

“I spent five hours in the rain trying to find it in me to jump, and I honestly thought everyone would be better off without me, that their lives would be simpler.” Buck heard someone curse behind him, but he couldn’t make out who it came from. The feeling had built for months until he woke up one day and said to himself that couldn’t carry on. “I cried, screamed, begged. I stood debating with my foot hanging over the edge until I finally closed my eyes and stepped off.”

“ _I don’t get it._ ” Buck wasn’t sure what Justin meant. “ _You’re still here._ ”

Ah.

“Someone pulled me back. The janitor had seen me on the room when he came in to start his day. He should have called the cops on me for trespassing, but he came up to see if I needed help instead. I didn’t realise, didn’t hear him… apparently I’d been talking to myself the entire time and he’d heard everything, well, most of it.”

At first, Buck had sat on the roof and just stared off into the night. If he remembered correctly, he’d sneaked out the house at nearly two in the morning, getting on the roof of his school not long after (his childhood home only being a short walk from the school). It was only after a light rain started that Buck had gotten up and started to pace, to walk along the edge with his arms spread wide for balance. He’d muttered to himself before his words had become full on screams. He’d been angry at everyone and everything. He remembered the moment his screams stopped. He’d stopped talking, stopped moving. He just stood there. He remembered saying clearly ‘I’m ready’ before closing his eyes and stepping forward – and the lurch of his body being pulled back.

“I stepped off, he pulled me back and I cried in his arms until I passed out. He got me off the roof and down into his office, wrapped in blankets and into front of a heater. I was out until just before the final bell.” He’d woken up swaddled to his neck and his clothes stiff where they’d dried to his body. Within ten minutes of being awake he’d had his hands wrapped round a cup of hot chocolate and a bowl of chicken soup acquired from somewhere cooling on the desk beside him. “He never once asked me to talk, but I did. I told him everything and it was such a _relief_ to tell someone. There was no judgement; he didn’t tell me I was being stupid, he just _listened_ and that’s what I’d needed. I’m pretty sure he was required to report it to someone, but he never did. I don’t remember much else about that day, but he told me I could always come to him if I needed to, no questions asked.”

Buck had ended up staying in his office with him until it was well past dinnertime, and Colin had insisted on giving him a ride home. Buck had thanked him as he left his truck and slipped in the house, which had been dark and void of his parents (who had been out to dinner with one of his dads business partners). It wasn’t until his mom never brought his disappearance up that he realised they hadn’t even noticed he’d been gone. Buck had gone to see Colin almost every day until he graduated from high school, and they’d kept in touch for a few years after, right until he’d retired to Canada and Buck had moved on to travelling.

“It… it took a long time for the thoughts to stop, and it was a lot of work on my part. I never spoke to anyone else about it other than him and the second I turned eighteen, I left my parents’ house and never looked back.” He’d had money saved, his bags packed and somewhere lined up for a week before his birthday, and he’d been gone with a note left by the coffee maker before his parents had woken. “Put myself through college and lived my life the way I wanted to. I was _free_.”

“ _The thoughts, they went away?_ ” Justin sounded so unsure, like he couldn’t believe it was possible.

“Yes,” Buck said, firmly. He wanted Justin to understand that is _was_ possible. “I had to work on myself but yes they did. I wanted to _live_ , because if I didn’t, it would mean they’d won. It wouldn’t change the way they saw me; it wouldn’t change a damn thing when it came to them, but it changed how _I_ did. I changed the way I saw me. I had a whole life ahead or me.”

“ _You hid your sexuality,_ ” Justin said, his voice harsher than Buck had from him before – and he didn’t like it. “ _How can you say you changed the way you saw yourself?_ ”

“I didn’t hide my sexuality because I was _ashamed_ ; I didn’t hide it at all, I just didn’t see why I had to stand up and say ‘hey everyone, just so you know, I like guys as well as girls’. If I was dating a girl, I was dating a girl, but it was exactly the same if I dated a guy. My sexuality is _mine_ ; I don’t have to tell anyone unless I want to.” He made a promise to himself a long time ago that some things he would keep just for him and he had no shame in that. “My life is in no way perfect. _I_ am in no way perfect, I’m just young and still learning.”

Every day was a life lesson; some he appreciated, some he didn’t but that was _life_. He learnt a long time ago that you had to fight to get through… and that’s what he had been doing. For years.

“I’ve almost died three times in the last year through no fault of my own and I almost lost my best friends’ son.” There was a growl behind him, and he knew Eddie hadn’t liked the mention of him almost losing Chris, but it had happened… and it was one of the worst days of his life. He looked to the roof, his stomach lurching at the sight of Justin standing right on the edge, leaning over to get a look at him. “Things might seem bad and never-ending now, Justin, and you may feel like you’ve lost everyone, but it does mean that you have.”

“ _But I_ have _Evan, don’t you get it?_ ” Justin screamed, and Buck knew he wouldn’t be coming down using the stairs. He felt helpless. “ _My family_ hate _me. They hate me for who I am, and I’m not strong enough to do this without them._ ”

“Yes you are!” Buck said, pleading for him to understand, to _listen_ to him. “You can choose your family. My family is _found_ , _chosen_ , made up of the people I work with. My Captain is more of a dad to me than my father ever has been.”

A hand came to rest on his shoulder Buck fought against every instinct to flinch at it. He knew it was Bobby, and as much as he hadn’t wanted the comfort from the man before, it felt grounding to him now. He’d jokingly called Bobby ‘pops’ before, but he had _never_ told him how much he thought of it. He didn’t turn to look at Bobby, but Buck leant ever so slightly back into the touch, just for a second, before moving away completely, taking one more step to the building.

“These people standing around me right now are my family, but my sister is the only one that’s actually related to me by blood.”

“ _I don’t even have that option!_ ” Justin sobbed, and Bucks heart broke a little more. “ _I’m a loner, a nobody who its alone at lunch because I’m the token nerd. The only friend I have is the librarian who’s a widowed woman in her sixties with no children, seven cats and an iguana she calls fluffy._ ”

Any other day, Buck would have questioned the choice of name, but he couldn’t even muster a smile because of the gravity of the situation. Any hope he had of getting through to Justin had been washed away by his outburst.

“ _I really appreciate you sharing your story with me, Evan, but I don’t want to do this anymore. Why can’t anyone understand that I don’t want to be here anymore?_ ”

Buck had to do something… he had to get up there with him. “Justin, I’d like to talk to you – face to face.”

“ _Why?_ ” Justin asked, his voice thick and angry. “ _So you can drag me down kicking and screaming?_ ”

“No.” It would be the absolute last resort. “I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me this is what you want.”

“ _But it_ is _what I want! What difference would you coming up here make?_ ”

“Because then I’d know I did everything that I could,” Buck said with a soft sigh, his head still tiled towards the roof.

He could hear Justin’s soft cries, but he didn’t want to push again. Even if he decided to just go up there, he knew Justin would be on the ground before he was halfway up the stairs. This was his only chance.

“ _Okay,_ ” Justin breathed out.

The line went dead a second later.

There was nothing but silence from everyone as they all waited, hoping that Justin wouldn’t step off the ledge. He didn’t. Buck breathed a sigh of relief, turning round and stepping towards Athena, holding the phone out to her. She took it, placing it back on the hood of her cruiser. She reached a hand out to him and he took it instantly, letting Athena pull him towards her. She didn’t envelope him in a hug like he’d expected, but she laid a hand on his cheek like she had earlier, caressing it with her thumb. She didn’t say a word, silently conversing to him that she was there. He leant into her hand, closing his eyes and humming at the contact. He only allowed himself a couple of seconds to do so before he pulled away. He looked her in the eye and smiled, hoping to show her he was okay, but he knew she could see right through him and for once… he didn’t mind. He wasn’t okay and _that_ was okay.

Buck gave a nod, both to her and himself before he turned round and started towards the building, a hand on his arm stopping him. He froze, only turning round to face Bobby when he pulled his hand away, letting it fall once more to his side.

“Buck…”

“I’ll radio you when I get up there, and I’ll keep it to an open mic so you can hear me, but I won’t be able to hear you.” Small mercies, he didn’t know if he could be up there and have Bobby be able to radio him. Buck made to turn once more but stopped himself. He glanced quickly between the rescue bags placed at the base of the building and to Justin still teetering on the edge of the roof. He had a sinking feeling in his gut, one that told him there was only one way the teenager was coming down, regardless of Buck’s attempts to get through to him… he just hoped he didn’t end up going down with him. He turned to Bobby again, finding the man’s eyes shining. He pointed to the bags, his hand shaking slightly. “Just make sure those stay in place.”

“Was that all true?”

Buck let his eyes flick over to Eddie for the first time since he’d voiced his agreement to Buck speaking to Justin, and he looked as wrecked as he felt. Eddie’s voice had been low, maybe just intending for Buck to hear but with how far away he was and the way everyone else tensed, he guessed they’d all heard. Buck gave a small nod, closing his eyes before turning away, taking another step towards the building.

“Every word.”

He didn’t look back as he walked away, entering the building and finding his way to the roof. He didn’t know what was in store now, it was hard to try and imagine how things would go but he knew he had to _try._ It only took him a couple of minutes to reach the roof, looking through the open door and seeing Justin. The teen was shaking, and he could hear the sniffs that told him he was still crying, his phone a few feet away where it had landed after obviously being tossed aside. Buck clicked his radio on, taking a deep breath and hoping his voice didn’t crack as he whispered.

“Bobby?” 

* * *

Eddie, and the rest of the team who’d stayed behind and weren’t manning the rescue bags, watched as Buck walked away – alone. He walked towards the building with his shoulders slumped forwards and his hands dug deep in his pockets… it was like he was going in there already defeated – and that didn’t sit well with Eddie. His mind reeled with the things he’d just learnt about the man he had (and still did, he had to admit, when he was alone with his thoughts) called his best friend. Eddie thought he’d come to know Buck fairly well, given that he wore his heart on his sleeve and was generally quite willing to share, but he was fast learning that he barely knew him at all. Eddie glanced around and by the looks on everyone’s faces, neither did they. He racked his brain, thinking over the nearly two years he’d known Buck; had he actually _asked_ Buck anything about his life before the one-eighteen? Sure, he knew about the bartending in South America and the SEAL training before he joined the fire academy (Buck had told him one night when he’d stayed for an extra beer once Christopher was asleep)… but had he ever specifically asked Buck anything else? He didn’t think he ever had… and Eddie had to open himself up to the reality that _he_ was the bad friend out of the two of them.

“Did any of you know?”

Eddie’s head snapped towards Athena as she spoke. Her hand was firmly placed on her hip and there was a look on her face Eddie had never seen before… one he couldn’t quite decipher. Her mouth was set in a thin line, her jaw clenched… her eyes dancing with both tears and fire. She looked terrifying… _terrified_. Eddie looked at everyone in turn, them all shaking their heads. He didn’t want to speak, wasn’t sure what would come out if he did. He swallowed thickly, feeling a small child caught doing something wrong by his parents when her own eyes washed over his. He watched as her gaze fell on Bobby.

“Well?”

“Which -,” Bobby coughed lightly, clearing his throat. “Which part?”

Athena threw her hands in the air, and Eddie marvelled at how she managed to keep her voice low enough not to be heard by anyone but their little group, but still managed for it to hold as much intensity as if she’d screamed – she _was_ terrifying.

“Any of it.”

“How could we not see?” Bobby mumbled, looking back to where Buck had disappeared to moments ago.

“I should call Maddie,” Chim said, pulling out his phone, already starting to dial her number. He looked at Cap. “She needs to know what’s happening.”

Eddie watched Cap nod, and he could see the man was still in a bit of shock – he knew he was.

“Go.”

Chimney hurried off, moving back towards the ambulance to get a bit of privacy while he made the call. Eddie had no idea what Maddie’s reaction would be. Knowing what he did now; Buck snapping at Maddie over the phone when he came into that station that morning made a hell of a lot more sense. He knew there must have been a reason behind it… and there _was_.

“I knew something was off with him today; he was different this morning when he came in. Didn’t try and insert himself back in like he usually does,” he said quietly, thinking back to earlier in the day.

Buck _had_ been completely different coming in for his shift that morning compared to every other one they’d had together since he’d been reinstated. Eddie could tell just by the way he’d held himself that something was off. He hadn’t been smiling, not even while on the phone. He was stiff, seemed constantly on edge and so un-Buck-like it was alarming. Even his hair hadn’t been gelled down – and Buck hated not having his hair gelled at work, had complained about it so much having realised he was out one day Eddie started keeping a spare jar of Bucks preferred brand in his own locker. Since being reinstated, Buck had always come in with a spring in his step and tried to start a conversation with whoever was closest but today… today he’d barely even looked their way and it had kickstarted something in Eddie. Just seeing Buck so down had left a bad taste in his mouth.

“He retreated into himself the moment you told him he’d be back on calls for the shift.”

He _had_. Eddie had been shocked by the response from Buck when Bobby had said it. Buck had been fighting to get back into the truck – hadn’t that been what the whole lawsuit spectacle had been about? Bobby had pulled he, Chim and Hen aside as soon as they’d come in and told them he had no choice but to have Buck working calls, as it was too short a notice to have someone cover for Bello and Eddie to admit he hadn’t minded as much as he thought. He still hadn’t been talking to Buck, and had no intention of changing that, but regardless of everything, he knew Buck would have had his back… and he would have had his. Partnering with others had been okay, but none of them worked in tandem with him as Buck did. They each knew what the other was thinking with only a glance, and that was the type of partnership needed in the job they had. Buck had always been the first on his feet when a call came in, first out the truck when they got to the scene… seeing him freeze and tense up at the thought of being out there? That wasn’t the Buck he knew. Eddie thought back to the ride over, and the way Buck had acted when Bobby had told them where he were heading to. He frowned at Bobby.

“He bottled up when you told us we were heading to a jumper,” Eddie said, his frown deepening. “He was tense, full body-lock tense. It was like he… shut down on the ride over.”

Eddie thought over everything he knew about Buck, allowed himself to _really_ think. Well thought out or not, there was a reason for everything Buck did, and usually his actions were fuelled by his emotions. The moment he found out Buck had filed the lawsuit against Bobby and the city, Eddie had never allowed himself to really think about _why_ he’d done it.

“What he said, about us being his family,” he said quietly, though he knew the others could hear him. He rubbed a hand over his eyes as the weight of everything seeped through his bones and the realisation of how much Buck thought of them hit him full in the face. “It kind of puts everything into perspective. He was fighting to come back to us because we’re all he’s got… and we all threw that in his face.”

Well, he and Bobby did… and the rest of the firehouse followed. They may all work together, but it was always him, Bobby, Hen, Chim and Buck that grouped together. Hen had welcomed Buck back with open arms, Chim a little more reluctantly. He knew that Bobby himself was hurt over the lawsuit but Eddie? Eddie had no good reason for treating Buck the way he had… and if he was perfectly honest, Bobby didn’t either.

“He wasn’t ready to come back,” Bobby said firmly, though the look on his face betrayed how much he no longer believed that. Eddie had to admit that he was cautious of Buck coming back too early, but he also knew how hard Buck had worked to come back, how determined he’d been… and Bucks doctor _had_ cleared him. “He pushed himself too far and almost died – _again_ – because of it. I couldn’t let him -.”

“Kill himself?” Hen asked, a sad smile on her face.

Eddie looked away; he couldn’t watch the tirade of emotions passing over Bobby’s face when he knew were reflected on his own. Eddie knew that sometimes Buck had pushed himself too hard in his recovery, but he’d also respected that he’d known his limits. He’d gone with him to a few physical therapy appointments, and he’d witnessed Buck doing everything they’d guided him to and more… and he’d also seen when he could barely lift his leg from being so exhausted that he’d almost given up. It had been hard, _so_ hard to watch Buck going through that, but Buck had always pushed through. He’d progressed from two crutches to one to none in only a few short months and fully mobile not long after that. Sure, he complained, but no more than the person in the next room over who’d fallen down the stairs and fractured their knee and that person had had nowhere near as bad an injury as Buck had.

“Filing the lawsuit was Buck’s last resort.”

Eddie looked up sharply at Hen. She… wasn’t wrong, was she? The way Eddie had heard it was, Buck had done everything asked of him; went to all his appointments, got signed off on the medical side, he’d gone to the mandated counselling that everyone had to suffer through for on-the-job injuries and got signed off on the mental side, but he’d still not been let back… so he’d gone to Bobby for help. Bobby had always told them that if they ever needed help, then all they had to do was ask, and Buck _had_ asked. Eddie hadn’t known until after that Bobby had been the reason Buck hadn’t been allowed back and while he didn’t agree with Bobby, he would never have gone down the route Buck had if it had been him… he wouldn’t…

“The lawsuit was tough on everyone and yes, what he did by telling Mackey everything was… stupid.” Stupid? It was more than stupid – it violated any ounce of trust Eddie had had in Buck. “But was he really wrong?”

Yes. Even has Eddie thought it, something in his gut told him _he_ was wrong. Bobby _had_ been far more lenient with others, even with Eddie himself, but did that give Buck the right to spill their personal lives as he had?

“Bobby,” Hen said, sounding tired, like she was having the same age-old argument that was never-ending, always coming out at a stalemate. “He was right to file, I’m sorry, but he was. He won because he was in the right, but do you have any idea how much money he turned down just so he could _work_ again?”

“Millions.”

Chimney came to stand between Hen and Eddie, and Eddie looked at him in shock. Buck had turned down money? _Millions_. Eddie hadn’t known that… he just thought Buck had won and was given his job back. He hadn’t known there was money involved – and a lot of money at that. Chim held up his phone.

“Maddie’s gonna be waiting at the firehouse for us; she’s getting Sue to let her go early.” He glanced up at the roof, watching Justin briefly before looking at Bobby. “She said crowding Buck would do more harm than good and we basically need to leave him alone and give him space, until he shows he’s ready to talk.”

Eddie was still smarting at the revelation Buck had turned down _millions_ of dollars in favour of getting his job back… of getting back to them and Eddie felt _sick_.

“It was never about the money for Buck,” Hen said, looking between Eddie and Bobby, neither of who would look her in the eye. “It was about getting back to _us_.”

Eddie heard Bobby suck in a breath, exhaling it shakily. It was as though Bobby was having the same thoughts as he was, like they were both now truly realising how badly things had escalated… all because they didn’t _talk_ … all because there was no communication.

“How much money exactly are we talking?”

Athena sounded just as shocked as he did, like she hadn’t known either that there was money involved. Chim looked uncomfortable and looked to Hen for guidance. She nodded and he sighed.

“Maddie said it was something along the lines of seven or eight mil.”

“Holy shit.”

Eddie clapped a hand over his mouth as all eyes rounded on him. Athena raised an unamused eyebrow at him, but he was too busy marvelling at just how much money Buck had turned down. He’d never had had to work again if he’d taken it… but Hen was right. It wasn’t about the money; it was about _them_.

“That much…” Bobby said, his voice low and his eyes cast down.

“I told you, it was never about the money,” Hen said, frowning at Bobby. “He wanted his family.”

“We are his family,” Bobby said feebly… almost as if he was trying to believe it himself.

“Are we?” Eddie said. He stared at Bobby, a frown on his own face as thought back to the start of the lawsuit, and then again to when Buck had been reinstated, and at how they more than anyone had been treating Buck. “Face it, Cap, look at the way we’ve been treating him; that’s not how you treat family, and that’s not how you treat someone in their place of work either. Isn’t that part of the reason he filed, because he wasn’t being treated fairly?”

Even as he said it, he was wondering why he hadn’t been able to see it before. Bobby looked at Athena for help, but she shook her head at him, and Eddie knew she wasn’t happy. She looked thoroughly unimpressed with her husband and Eddie was sure he’d been receiving the same looks from Abuela and Pepa if they knew what had been happening. They loved Buck, and Eddie hadn’t been entirely truthful when explaining why he hadn’t been around every time they’d invited him for dinner – which had been almost weekly.

Their radios started crackling and the next second Buck’s voice came through, barely above a whisper.

“ _Bobby?_ ”

“I’m here,” Bobby said instantly, his hand having flown to his radio the second the feedback started.

“ _I’m about to head out on to the roof._ ”

Eddie held his breath. Buck sounded… scared? He looked up at the roof, to where Justin was still standing, _swaying_ , on the edge and Eddie hated the thought of Buck being up there with him. He could understand now why Buck wanted to be the one to talk to him, because he had a personal connection to the situation, but it didn’t sit right with him Buck being up there with no one to have his back. There was nothing and no one up there to help him.

“Okay,” Bobby said, and Eddie could tell he wanted to say something else. He sighed and pressed on the radio again. “Buck?”

“ _Yeah_?”

“You’ve got this,” he said, closing his eyes. “I’m proud of you and I’m sorry I haven’t told you.”

Silence. The all waited with bated breath to see if Buck would respond. Hen and Athena were shaking their heads, and Eddie guessed they weren’t particularly happy with the turnaround from Bobby. If he were in Buck’s shoes right now, he’s not convinced that that praise would be welcome or appreciated.

A heavy sigh came through. “ _I’ll be down soon._ ”

Something in his voice told Eddie that Buck didn’t believe his own estimation, and Eddie had to agree. He didn’t think it was going to be easy to talk to Justin, though he hadn’t moved at all since he’d given permission for Buck to come up to him and hung up the call. Eddie couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. He couldn’t pinpoint what was concerning him, but it had only started when Buck left their view and disappeared into the unknown with no back-up… with no one having his back.

Eddie listened closely to his own radio, noticing the others doing the same and Athena moving to stand right next to Bobby, slipping her hand in his. Bobby unclipped his radio from his chest, holding it out between the two of them. They could all hear the sound of the wind through the open mic and the five of them looked up, subconsciously moving closer to each other as they waited for Buck to appear. The nagging feeling in Eddie’s gut started singing again.

“ _Justin?_ ”

Eddie sucked in a breath at Buck’s voice; his tone was soft but cautious.

“ _Hi, Evan._ ”

“ _Please call me Buck,_ ” Buck said, and Eddie’s heart skipped a beat when he appeared and stood close to Justin. A quick look to Bobby told him his had done the same thing. Eddie noticed Travers, Carter and Peterson’s heads shoot up and realised they hadn’t been told what was happening. He wasn’t sure why they hadn’t been aware or why they hadn’t been listening a few minutes before when Buck and Bobby had spoken, but he didn’t dwell on it, just listened to Buck’s voice. “ _I’m really not a fan of Evan._ ”

Eddie had noticed that – not that he’d ever said anything – that Buck only ever used his given first name officially and Maddie _was_ he only one that called him by it. He’d never questioned it because he’d never needed to; Buck had been introduced to him as that – Buck.

“ _Does it remind you too much of… before?_ ”

Eddie hated that this was how he was learning more about the man he’d called his best friend. Now he realised that, in the time that they’d known each other, Buck had learnt a hell of a lot more about him then he’d learnt about Buck.

“ _Something like that,_ ” Buck said, a hint of bitterness in his voice. Eddie watched as Buck took another step closer to Justin. “ _My sister still calls me Evan – usually when I’m in trouble or when she’d trying to have a serious conversation with me, but I don’t really introduce myself as it unless I have to._ ”

“ _You did to me._ ”

Buck huffed out a laugh, and Eddie saw him shove his hands in his pockets and shrug. “ _You needed honesty; the easiest truth was my name._ ”

It sounded like Justin snorted, but Eddie wasn’t sure. “ _That’s nice of you._ ”

“He’s getting through to him,” Chim said.

Eddie looked at Bobby, who had a sad smile on his face. “Buck’s always had a way of connecting with people… especially when it gets personal.”

Wasn’t that the truth. Buck had a heart of pure gold, one that always allowed him to see the best in people, to always try and see the good amongst the bad. It was an unspoken rule that Buck would be tasked with attending to those needing the most comfort and support on calls, because he always managed to get a smile out of someone, even if they were having the worst day of their lives. He always tried to do his best, to _be_ his best. Eddie tucked his chin to his chest, remembering all that Buck had done for him; helping with Chris, finding Carla, being his shoulder when Shannon first came back. The smile was quick to disappear when he realised how little he’d done for Buck.

“ _How did you almost die?_ ”

“ _Jumping right in there, aren’t you?_ ”

He wasn’t sure how much – if any – of the conversation he’d missed but hearing Justin ask how he’d almost died snapped him back into awareness. Eddie’s head shot up to look at the roof and his heart thudded hard against his chest at the sight of not only Justin sitting down with both legs thrown over the edge, but Buck to. They were sitting spaced apart, slightly less than an arms throw away… Eddie guessed that that was Bucks doing, making sure he was close enough to reach out if he had to, but not close enough for Justin to realise. Buck sighed.

“ _Which time?_ ”

“ _All the times._ ” Justin chuckled darkly, his voice thick as he spoke, and Eddie couldn’t help the uneasy feeling that washed over him once more. He could be wrong, hoped he was, but to him it seemed like the teen was going to use Buck’s own pain to make himself feel better.

Eddie closed his eyes, not wanting to have to relive the last year through Buck’s eyes… it had been hard enough having to live it through his own. He’d barely kept it together watching Buck get hurt time and time again, to see him laid up in hospital over and over, being pumped full of medication and hooked to countless machines to keep him alive. It was hard enough having to watch Buck fight each and every injury with everything he had, as though each one might be the one that keeps him down for good. A lot had happened, _a lot,_ and it had all happened to Buck… and not a single one had been his fault.

Movement caught Eddie’s eye and he saw Bobby fall slightly into Athena. “I don’t want to hear about all the time we’ve almost lost him.”

Eddie had never heard Bobby sound so broken. Eddie had been there as Bobby paced the waiting room while Buck was in surgery, when the surgeon had come out and said that Buck had made it through, but he wasn’t out of the woods. Eddie had witnessed Bobby fall to the floor with Buck in his arms after coughing up blood, running his hands through his hair and screaming at him to open his eyes. Eddie had sat with Chris clutched to his chest next to Bobby while they waited for Buck to be released from the VA hospital, already fighting an infection and severely dehydrated from being out on his feet in the sun all day. Bobby had held it together every single time… but right now he was breaking.

“You’re not the only one,” Eddie muttered, hoping no one had heard him. The look Athena shot him told him _she_ had.

“ _Well_ ,” Buck said, and Eddie, even from right down there on the ground, could tell that he’d gone stiff. His back was perfectly straight… and Eddie knew he was uncomfortable. “ _The first time I got pinned under a ladder truck for a couple of hours._ ”

“ _That was_ YOU!”

Eddie closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, remembering how he – _they’d_ – been forced to stand down and stay back as they watched Buck whither in pain and Chimney had had to beg for help over the radio. He hadn’t been able to focus on anything but Buck’s pained whimpers until Bobby had successfully subdued Freddie and they’d been allowed to move. He’d gone straight to Buck, checking his pulse, finding it thready under his fingers and the second Buck told them he felt numb? Yeah, Eddie had known it was bad.

“ _Yes,_ ” Buck said, just short of snapping. “ _I lost a lot of blood and went into shock. It was a crush injury so when they lifted the truck off me by blood pressure bottomed out and I passed out._ ”

Eddie remembered Buck’s hand going lax in his and his eyes slipping closed.

“ _I was told I flatlined twice in the four minutes it took to get from the scene to the trauma centre._ ” It had been a whirlwind of shouting, chest compressions and intubating him en route. Eddie had been the one to tell him, when he’d gone to see him once he was out of surgery, when Carla, Ali and Maddie had gone home. “ _They stabilised me before surgery and they told me they might have to amputate below the knee._ ”

It had been one hell of a fight between Maddie and the surgeon, and Eddie had been on Maddie’s side every second of the way. The surgeon had acted rashly, not fully considering all aspects of the injury or Buck’s health, Maddie had seen to that, refusing to give permission (she was Buck’s proxy, and she held the cards).

“ _I think I flatlined again on the table to._ ”

“Twice,” Bobby whispered.

“ _That’s…_ ”

“ _Yeah. Came through it though,_ ” Buck said, and Eddie didn’t have to see his face to know he was wearing a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, eyes that were dull blue and haunted. “ _Took five months of hard work and a_ lot _of tears but I was cleared to go back to work._ ”

“ _You wanted to, after getting pinned?_ ”

“ _Why wouldn’t I?_ ” Buck asked, so innocently, like he couldn’t believe why someone would ask it. Buck had been dead set on coming back the moment he saw his leg in a cast and not a stump under the blanket. “ _Being a firefighter is everything to me, all I have_.”

‘You’re wrong!’ Eddie wanted to scream loud enough for Buck to hear and looking at the others he knew they felt the same. Buck never considered an option other than being a firefighter, even doing light duty as a fire marshal hadn’t been enough to fulfil him, even though he had been told it would only be while he was on the blood thinners. His argument? ‘What if I have to be on them for the rest of my life, Eddie? What then?’

Hen and Chim were whispering furiously to each other, too low for him to hear but he knew they were planning something. Eddie chanced a look at Bobby, finding the man looking exactly as he felt. He looked _devastated_ by Bucks words. He was leaning heavily on Athena, who was looking seconds away from ripping the radio out of his hands and forcing him to sit in the cruiser.

“ _The second time?_ ” Justin asked, his voice curious.

“ _I, uh, coughed up blood at my welcome back party – pulmonary embolism._ ”

“ _Damn_.”

“ _Yeah. Just over five months after almost being blown up, I coughed up blood and collapsed in my Captains arms slap bang in the middle of a conversation… sacred the shit out of the kids._ ”

Hadn’t it just. It… had been chaos. Buck went down and everyone rushed to him. Bobby was screaming, Hen and Chim were doing their thing, Athena was on the phone to 9-1-1 and Eddie had been the one to hold Maddie back while they crowded her brother. If it hadn’t of been for Karen, Michael and May, the kids would have seen a hell of a lot more than they had… it hadn’t stopped them being scared though. Eddie hadn’t been able to go to the hospital straight away, he’d had to sit Christopher down and explain to him what had happened without it sounding like Buck was going to die.

“ _They all told me I pushed myself too hard too fast to come back too quick… that I should have taken more time to heal. Didn’t matter that I’d been signed off by my doctor and had a second opinion to make sure. It was still my fault._ ”

A wave of guilt washed over Eddie. He _had_ sat Buck down and had a long conversation with him about taking it slow, that he’d been pushing himself too much and he needed to calm it down and let his body heal in its own time. Buck had dismissed his concerns and passed his recertification with flying colours… beating LAFD records while he was at it.

“ _Your job is everything to you._ ”

“ _Yeah,_ ” Buck said with a huff and Eddie saw him shaking his head. “ _Got put on blood thinners for my troubles. Who gets put on blood thinners at twenty-fucking-six?_ ”

“ _Someone who got squished by a truck and threw a clot less than six months later._ ”

Buck barked out a laugh, shocking them all. “ _Smartass_.”

“They’re actually bantering right now?” Chimney asked, though no one answered.

“ _The third time?_ ”

“ _Month later,_ ” Buck said, his tone low. “ _Tsunami._ ”

“ _Well shit._ ”

Eddie stood stock still. He’d known it was coming, that Buck was bound to talk about the tsunami sooner or later, but he wasn’t ready for it. It was the rawest, a trauma that Christopher and Buck shared together, a pain they both lived with, one that still manifested in his son through nightmares that end with him crying out for Buck.

“ _Mm,_ ” Buck hummed. “ _Also where I nearly lost my best friends’ son._ ”

Hen patted him on the shoulder, running her hand down his arm before she slipped her hand in his, squeezing lightly.

“ _We were having a guy’s day out while his dad was at work. Well, it was a ploy to get me up and out of my apartment first the first time in days – to get me out the funk I’d been in. I’d accuse them of going as far as breaking into my apartment but I’m pretty sure Eddie just used his key._ ”

Eddie ignored the looks he was getting. Yes, he had a key to Buck’s apartment, had done for as long as he could remember – right around the time of the earthquake if he thought to remember hard enough. It had been after Buck had pulled into the driveway of Eddie’s apartment, before he could haul himself out. Buck had gone into the glove box and pulled out the key, saying he’d been thinking and realised no one had his spare in case of an emergency. Eddie had accepted and handed one of his own to Buck the next time they were on shift together. He’d said it made sense if Buck were to have his as well.

Eddie had spent hours on the phone to Maddie, the woman in tears almost the entire time because she had no idea what to do, that she was worried about Buck. Eddie had asked Chris if he wanted to help and of course his son had said yes – so they pulled a plan together and let themselves in before Eddie’s shift. It wasn’t the first time he’d left himself in, but it was the first he’d done it without Buck’s knowledge.

“ _They called it ‘operation: Buck up Buck’. Me and Chris were originally going to the movies, but it was such a nice day out that we changed plans after grabbing breakfast._ ”

Eddie still had the photo Buck had sent him on his phone, the one of him and Chris with a stack of pancakes and syrup on the table between them.

Eddie heard Justin gasp, and his head shot up to look at the roof. Neither of them had moved. “ _Please tell me you weren’t at the pier._ ”

“ _We were at the pier._ ”

“ _What kind of bullshittery is that?_ ”

What kind indeed.

“ _We were sitting on one of the benches at the end, you know the ones that used to be by the railings with the water behind?_ ” Eddie… had not known that. He never knew that they were at the end of the pier… he always assumed they were in the middle, by one of the rides or at one of the carnival games, but hearing how close to the initial wave they’d been? “ _And Chris just says, ‘hey Buck, where did all the water go?’ I saw the wave, but I couldn’t get us off the pier in time. I got us as safe as I could – tucked into one of the booths. Guess it worked… kinda. We got separated in the wave but when I came to the surface Chris was clinging to a pole and calling out for me._ ”

“ _So you didn’t lose him?_ ”

“ _No, I did. I got us to a fire truck of all things, and we were safe on top. There were people who needed help, so I helped, got them on the truck to. Chris was_ safe _but I turned my back on him for a second, just a second, to help pull someone else up and the truck rocked in the water and… he was_ gone _._ ” Eddie could hear the pain in Buck’s voice, and he wanted to do nothing more in that moment than go up there and tell him it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t in his nature to _not_ help someone. Buck sucked in a breath. “ _Standing in front of Eddie and telling him that his son was gone and that_ I _was the one that lost him – I was teetering back on that ledge for the first time in years._ ”

“Fuck.”

Eddie stumbled, his legs giving out. He would have hit the floor if it wasn’t for Hen and Chim each grabbing an arm to hold him upright. He hadn’t known. He hadn’t realised. It was _so_ much worse for Buck than he’d known.

“Eddie,” Bobby said, moving to stand in front of him, a hand on his shoulder.

“I knew he blamed himself,” he said, rambling. “I never – I never knew – never realised how much it affected him.”

“ _But you didn’t._ ”

“ _No, I didn’t, because Chris was_ fine _and appeared behind us as I was trying to explain that he was gone. I couldn’t get the words out but suddenly Eddie was calling out for him and pushing past me._ ”

Eddie had seen the woman struggling to carry a child that looked so much like his own he’d moved before he could register what he was doing. He’d hadn’t even looked back at Buck… not until he was falling to his knees with exhaustion.

“ _He’d drifted in the water and picked up barely seconds after he fell in, but it was long enough for him to be gone from where we were. The lady who found him kept him with her the whole time, wouldn’t let him out of her sight until Eddie took him right out of her arms._ ”

Eddie had been so thankful. He’d managed to find her through a survivors group on Facebook a few weeks later and they’d met up. He’d thanked her properly with coffee and a bunch of flowers Chris had picked out.

“ _I think it was four days later, I was home and healing and Eddie brought Chris round and told me there was no one he trusted to take care of him more than me._ ”

And he had meant every word. Buck had fought himself to near death to find Chris. He’d kept Chris safe, distracted him from floating bodies when he needed to (Chris had known what Buck was doing the whole time, the other people on the truck hadn’t been as discrete). How could he not trust someone who would do all that?

“ _I still get nightmares after a bad day, just like I still get pains in my leg, though the Doc thinks the screws might be causing issues -._ ”

“ _The clots?_ ”

“ _Possibly._ ”

That was news to him. He hadn’t known Buck’s leg was still an issue and if he’d ever been in pain around him, he’d hid it well… though when Eddie thought about it, Buck had barely _been_ around him lately – and that was all Eddie’s fault.

Buck sighed. “ _The bones healed better than they ever expected, and the scar tissues minimal. He wants to schedule me in for surgery to remove them in a few weeks. Not sure about the rod though._ ”

“First I’m hearing of it,” Bobby said, frowning.

“He wanted to get all the fact and information straight before coming to you for time off.”

They all looked at Hen, and she looked sadly back at them. Eddie’s heart hammered hard against his chest. This is something he should have known. He shouldn’t have been hearing about it over the radio, he should have been sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wating for Buck to come out and tell him what was going on. Eddie should have been there, but he wasn’t.

“You knew?” he said, looking at Hen. She nodded.

“I went with him to an appointment last week,” she said. “Maddie couldn’t get the shift off.”

Athena sighed, looking at the roof. “He needed the support of someone there with him in case it was bad news.” She shot a look Eddie couldn’t decipher at Bobby. “He had no one else.”

“ _Will the pain go away?_ ”

Would it? Would surgery alleviate the pain Buck felt? Eddie didn’t know because he hadn’t been there with Buck to find out.

“ _Maybe – hopefully,_ ” Buck said, and he did sound hopeful. “ _The pains another reminder that I’m lucky to be alive after almost getting blown up and pinned by a ladder truck, so I try not to complain about it too much, you know?_ ”

“ _Guess you really have had a rough time of it – more than most._ ”

All was silent for a few minutes. Eddie tried to focus on the sound of Bucks breathing through the open mic, which was hitching every other second. If it was hard enough for him to hear about everything that had happened, he could only imagine how it was for Buck to sit up there and relive it all himself… _by_ himself. There was so much Eddie hadn’t known. So much he hadn’t been there for or bothered to ask about. That would have to change. _He_ would have to change… he could only hope Buck would give him the chance to.

“ _You sued the city._ ”

Eddie wasn’t the only one that froze, wasn’t the only one with his jaw clenched. Why did Justin feel the need to bring _that_ up… how the hell did he even _know_ about it?

“ _Not my finest moment,_ ” Buck pointed out slowly, his voice quiet. Eddie hated how vulnerable Buck sounded… how small. “ _How did you find out about that? It wasn’t public knowledge._ ”

“ _Dad works in the same office as Chase Mackey,_ ” Justin said, and he sounded almost guilty for bringing it up. “ _It was the talk of the company for weeks._ ”

“ _Well fuck._ ”

Well fuck indeed.

“ _You were suing your_ ‘family’.”

“ _Every family has their moments; I was just fighting to get back to them._ ”

Buck spoke so softly Eddie could barely hear him. He sounded dejected, like he had no fight left. How much more was he going to be forced to relive? How much more were they _all_ going to be forced to relive? The lawsuit was a sore subject for all of them, still a fresh wound not yet healed. Back at the firehouse, Eddie had watched Buck flinch, eyes turned down whenever it was mentioned by someone on purpose or unintentionally. He’d seen Bobby tense up, had done so himself, when someone made a passing comment. Eddie understood a little more now, he understood a little _better_ now, but he still couldn’t fathom why Buck hadn’t come to talk to _him_ beforehand. Why hadn’t Buck felt he could?

“ _Shitty way of trying to do it I must admit but at the time it felt like my only option._ ”

But _why_ Buck? Eddie wanted to ask, wanted to know. Eddie glanced at Bobby, finding the older man looking down at his feet, guilt all over his face. Had Bobby holding Buck back (which Eddie had _not_ known before it being brought up in the lawsuit) broken the trust between all of them? Had Buck felt that because Bobby was the reason he couldn’t come back to work, then they all were… that every one of them was at fault? Is that why? Eddie hated that Buck hadn’t come talk to him, hurt that he hadn’t… but Eddie was also hurt that Buck had thrown every one of them under the bus by telling Chase Mackey things that he had no right in knowing… even if Eddie could now see the point he’d been trying to make… kind of.

“ _You still didn’t jump._ ”

“ _I…_ ”

Eddie’s head snapped up as Buck faltered, and his wasn’t the only one. They all looked at the roof with trepidation, none of them knowing what Buck’s answer was going to be. Knowing what they did now… it was safe to say they were all very concerned about the youngest member of their team.

A sigh came through their radios and when Buck’s voice followed a few seconds later, it was barely above a whisper. “ _I won’t do that to them. I… I care about them too much to put them through that._ ”

As painful as it was to hear the cracks in Bucks voice, the pure emotion in his words, Eddie felt a wave of relief wash over him at the admission that he _hadn’t_ tried to kill himself. He felt the tension in his shoulders release, and he hadn’t realised how rigid he had become the moment Justin had questioned Buck on jumping. It was truly shocking hearing that Buck had tried to do it when he was seventeen, even more so (for him) to hear that he’d almost thought about doing it again during the tsunami; Eddie wasn’t entirely convinced he would have been able to keep it together if Buck had said he’d tried to kill himself during the lawsuit. He never really tried to see things from Bucks point of view; he’d been too hurt, angry and confused to do so… but now… things were beginning to be put into perspective. They (Bobby, him, Hen, Chim… and the remainder of the one-eighteen) had had the support of each other… aside from Maddie, who had Buck had? He’d been alone in his fight. Eddie heard a sniff, though he couldn’t distinguish if it was Buck or Justin.

“ _I don’t like heights._ ”

Eddie watched Hen and Chim exchange a look at Justin’s words.

“ _No?_ ”

“ _Always scared me, being high up,_ ” Justin said quietly, and Eddie could just about see him lean forward ever so slightly to peer down to the ground. “ _It’s ironic really that I chose this way to go._ ”

“ _Justin -,”_

“ _Why’d you do it?_ ” Justin asked quickly, cutting Buck off abruptly.

“ _The lawsuit?_ ” Buck asked, though they all knew he didn’t need an answer.

“I’m not sure how much more heartbreak I can take hearing from him.” Chim looked between all of them, his gaze settling on Bobby as he spoke. “How did we let his pain get this bad?”

Bobby shook his head, but Eddie knew he felt immensely guilty… because that’s exactly how he felt in that moment. He felt _guilty_. He and Bobby had been the least welcoming when Buck returned, the two most hurt by what had been done; Bobby as a father and Eddie as… he shook his head – he couldn’t think about _that_ right now.

“We’re all fucking idiots that don’t deserve him.”

Athena shot him a look that he elected to ignore.

“ _I felt lost,_ ” came Buck’s quiet, tired voice. Eddie tensed again and they all listened intently, gravitating towards one another into one big huddle. “ _I had a girlfriend – met her when me and Eddie saved her during an earthquake, you know the big one? We were together for a few months – half a year or so – and it was going great. Leased a new apartment and she was gonna live there with me when she was in town – she travelled a lot for work. I was falling for her, I think?_ ”

Buck had been. The two of them had spoken about it over beers when Eddie helped him move in. He said it felt both the same and different to how he’d felt about Abby. He’d loved Abby, _really_ loved her, and Ali made him just as happy, but he’d had his doubts. He’d drunk another beer and told Eddie he was worried he was just falling in love with the _idea_ or having someone to come home to, that the _want_ of having that was overwhelming what he’d felt about Ali. He’d drunk another and changed his mind. Eddie had cut him off after that and stopped his spiralling, asking him to dig deep and really _think_. Buck had told him that Ali gave him butterflies and he could think of a year down the road and see the two of them cuddled on the couch. Eddie had gripped his shoulder and told him that was his answer.

Buck sighed. “ _Apartment has a loft bedroom – amazing place with great lighting and decent amount of space… but I couldn’t manage the stairs with my leg in the cast. Glad it came with two bathrooms instead of one otherwise I’d have been screwed._ ”

Eddie had had to remind Buck more than once that not only was the couch a pull out, but that the bathroom downstairs was the one with a shower.

“ _We – me and her – were on the couch after I was discharged and I’d been talking about working towards going back to work, but she didn’t like the idea_.” Buck gave a pitiful laugh and Eddie’s heart clenched. “ _She didn’t get what it meant to me and we argued about it… it was a recurring argument for a few days. She walked out on me a week after I came home, said she couldn’t be with me if I was hell-bent on going back, that she’d already had to sit in front of the TV and watch me fight for my life once, and it was once too much. I was left alone and more determined to get back… but it still hurt._ ”

Eddie remembered not hearing from Buck for almost an entire day and letting himself into his apartment to find him curled on the couch (as much as he could with the cast), watching trash TV and eating ice cream straight from the tub. Buck had just wordlessly handed him a spoon of his own (Eddie didn’t know where it had come from but accepted it all the same) and held the tub out. They’d long finished the thing before Buck had opened up to him and said Ali had left him. Eddie had called her a bitch, but Buck had just shrugged, said that she didn’t understand, and she was protecting herself from the heartache if anything was to happen to him again. He’d said that just because other people’s partners could accept the dangers, doesn’t mean everyone could.

“ _In the five months it took me to get back into fighting form I had the support of everyone, but I didn’t at the same time if that makes sense?_ ” Eddie frowned. What _did_ Buck mean? They’d all been there for him as much as they could; Eddie had made sure to bring Chris round as often as possible seeing as Buck found it difficult getting out and about for the first month or two. “ _They were_ there _but they – God this going to sound really bad and ungrateful – but they didn’t really_ help.”

Eddie tried not to be offended, he was more confused than anything. A quick look round told him everyone felt the same.

“ _They wanted me to slow down – all of them. I did everything like I was supposed to, and they were happy but the moment I wanted to push a little further they were telling me no. Cap and Eddie took turns coming with me to PT, Maddie and Chim would pick up groceries and Athena and Hen alternated in making sure I had decent, homecooked meals but none of them seemed to want to help me get back out there as much as_ I _wanted to. I was still alone at the end of the day, doing my list of exercises in front of the TV._ ” Eddie hadn’t known Buck had felt like that. They all thought they were doing the right thing by not encouraging him to push too hard. He’d had a major injury, and they were all worried that he’d hurt himself further… but now he guessed that they should have been clearer with him, more supportive… because that’s what family does. Buck’s voice was somehow even quieter the next time he spoke, like he wanted to say them, but he didn’t want anyone but himself to hear… nor that he’d forgotten they were listening. “ _The team were supposed to come over for dinner one night; my sister was working the night shift so she wouldn’t have been coming anyway, but their shift ran over because of a major pileup and they all cancelled. I didn’t blame them – it was out of their control – but it was just another reminder that I wasn’t with them._ ”

Buck paused and Eddie knew he was about to hit them with something that would unintentionally make not only him, but the others to, feel guilty.

“ _That was the night I made it up the stairs to sleep in my own bed for the first time in months. It was such a big achievement for me because I knew I was finally starting to find my own independence again, to finally be able to move_ forward _, but I couldn’t tell a single one of them… it wasn’t worth the bother._ ”

Eddie closed his eyes, deflating at Buck’s words. How… how could they have made his feel like that? Eddie thought back and… he couldn’t remember the night Buck was talking about, no matter how much he tried to. He _did_ remember going to Buck’s apartment one day and not being able to find him downstairs… only for Buck to come limping down the stairs, holding heavily on the railing. He groaned, knowing that he hadn’t made a big deal of it, just a quick ‘that’s great man’ and asking if he was ready to head out.

“ _After everything that happened with embolism and then the tsunami, it was like they were keeping me at arms-length, like I was some sort of fragile thing made of glass and I would break if they got too close. They were_ there _but… distant. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved because_ they _were scared… or something._ ”

Eddie could cry. He had to blink back the wetness in his eyes, and he wasn’t the only one. Hen and Athena both had hands over their mouths, horrified. Chim’s mouth was set in a thin line and Bobby… well Bobby looked as though he would have crumbled to his knees if he wasn’t for Athena standing beside him.

“ _I stopped by the station one day and there was a transfer. Logically I know there would be, because I’d been out for so long, but it still hurt,_ ” and boy did Buck sound hurt. He remembered that day… and he could see now how it must have looked to Buck. “ _Someone had cleared out my locker, taped over my name and given it to her. There’re at least five spares in the locker room for when he have someone covering but they’d given her_ mine _. I still have no idea where my stuff ended up and I haven’t wanted to ask._ ”

“In a box under the desk in my office,” Bobby said, his voice breaking. Athena tried soothing him by squeezing his shoulder, but he shrugged her off. “I cleared it out, but I didn’t…”

“Didn’t want it to seem like you were forcing him out?” Hen said softly, to which Bobby nodded.

“I had no idea he felt like that…”

“He’s not wrong though,” Athena said, hand resting on her hip as she shielded her eyes and looked up to the roof. “You shouldn’t have given Bosko _his_ locker.”

“Well…” Chimney said, shuffling his feet and frowning. “Technically he _had_ quit.

“Not officially,” Bobby said with a shake of his head. “He never put it in writing and I never filed any paperwork.”

“ _I… I felt like I’d been replaced,_ ” Buck said, once again sending a wave of guilt through Eddie. “ _It was like no one cared. Not a single person told me there was a fixed cover._ _I felt like I’d been replaced._ ”

Eddie should have done that. _Bobby_ should have done that. Hell, _anyone_ of them should have told Buck there was someone there _temporarily_ to cover him… but they hadn’t. They’d let him find out on his own when he’d visited them at the firehouse. They should have told him. They should have never let him feel replaced, like he wasn’t part of the team anymore.

“ _I was being stone-walled in coming back and I was so_ frustrated _but when I asked for help – which I was always encouraged to do – I found out the one person I went to and wanted to help was the very person stopping me from coming back._ ”

“ _Your Captain?_ ” Justin asked, curious.

Buck chuckled but there was no humour in it, not one single bit. Eddie didn’t like the sound.

“ _I don’t think devastated quite covers how I felt at finding that out._ ”

Bobby sucked in a breath. “I -,”

“Screwed up, Bobby,” Athena said, glaring at her husband. Eddie gulped. “You should never have lied to him. I _told_ you not to.”

“I thought it was for the best.”

“Well it wasn’t!” Athena didn’t quite raise her voice, but they all flinched as if she did. “That boy went through hell. I kept quiet and supported you because you’re my husband and I made a vow, but you were _wrong,_ and I see that now more than ever.”

Bobby swallowed, looking down at the ground. “I know.”

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” Justin said softly, and Eddie could tell he really meant it.

“ _No, I’m sorry,_ ” Buck said with another humourless laugh. “ _I didn’t mean to make this all about me; I can be exhausting sometimes._ ”

It was like someone had sucker punched him straight in the gut. Eddie was instantly transported back to the day in the grocery store, back to when Buck had tried to apologise. He’d said things he’d come to regret… but he hadn’t apologised. He’d seen the way Buck had flinched, relished in the fact that he could hurt Buck like he’d hurt him, but he was wrong to do so.

“What exactly does that mean?”

Athena’s voice was cutting as she spoke, clearly confused. Eddie was almost certain that she hadn’t been told about their run in with Buck that day, and something told him she’d be having words with Bobby about it when they were alone. Hen and Chim shared a glance before looking at him and he held his hands up.

“My fault,” he said, clearing his throat. “I have some things I need to apologise for.”

“You think?” Athena took a step to him but stopped herself from going further. “I think we all have things to apologise to Buck for. Every single one of us.”

“ _I asked._ ” The sound of Justin’s voice snapped them all back to the present. “ _I wanted to hear your story._ ”

“ _I should be listening to yours,_ ” Buck said, his voice soft but Eddie could hear the exhaustion in it.

“ _Your voice is comforting._ ”

“ _Haven’t herd that one before,_ ” Buck said with a snort.

Only the sound of wind could be heard now. Eddie shifted where he stood. The uneasy feeling he’d had earlier was back and he wasn’t sure why. He looked around, catching Hen’s eye but he ignored her; he was trying to see what was out of place. He couldn’t see anyone from the crown being kept out of the parking lot acting weird or suspicious, no one else in the parking lot was acting off. Anyone from the one-eighteen who wasn’t standing with them were off doing what they were supposed to be. He glanced over to the rescue bags and noted that they were still perfectly in place, still being seen to by the three Bobby had sent off earlier and the cops who had arrived with Athena were still positioned where they had been when they arrived at the scene. Nothing was out of place, but Eddie couldn’t shake the feeling something was… _off_. Buck sighed again and Eddie’s attention was drawn back to the roof.

“ _I’ve loved and lost, been hurt and got back up,_ ” he said, and Eddie could see that he had shifted to turn slightly more towards Justin. “ _Things get better._ ”

“ _They also get worse, Evan,_ ” Justin said, a slight bite to his tone.

“ _I’m not going to lie to you, Justin, it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows and everything handed to you on a silver platter; there’s still going to be bad days._ ” He paused and they all heard as he inhaled sharply and mumbled, “ _todays a bad day._ ”

“ _What -,_ ” Justin said before pausing, and Eddie guessed he was trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say. “ _What do you usually do today? You said today’s a bad day but you’re working and -,_ ”

“ _You don’t understand why I would want to given that todays the anniversary of me trying to kill myself?_ ” He couldn’t see, but Eddie guessed that Justin had nodded. He wanted to know to. “ _I sleep. Every anniversary I take the day off work and I sleep until it crosses into a new one and I carry on… couldn’t get the day off this year though so – here I am._

Eddie looked at Bobby, he was frowning. “He never asked.”

“Would you have let hi, if he did?” Hen asked, eyebrow raised. When Bobby didn’t answer, she shook her head. “Guess he didn’t feel like he could.”

Buck knew today would be a bad one, had a routine for getting through it… yet he’d been made to feel that he couldn’t ask for the day off? Eddie hated that, hated that that’s how he’d been made to feel.

“ _You’re only seventeen, Justin; you’ve got your whole life ahead of you,_ ” Buck said softly, and Eddie _did_ know him well enough to know the words had been said with a smile – he could hear it in his voice. “ _What did you want to do?_ ”

“ _Besides kill myself?_ ” Eddie winced at the bluntness and he wasn’t the only one. He heard Buck sigh. Justin didn’t answer for a couple of minutes, but when he did his voice was unsure. “ _I wanted to be a nurse, but -,_ ”

“ _But?_ ” Buck prompted gently and Eddies stomach lurched slightly, his gut telling him something was going to happen.

“ _My dad said only pansies become nurses,_ ” Justin said, and Eddie felt Hen stiffen beside him. Chim reached out to her at the same time he did. “ _Guess he’s not wrong, huh?_ ”

“I’ll kill him.”

Eddie had never heard Hen sound so… _deadly_. There was a coldness in her voice that he’d never heard before, never thought possible for her to have. He looked to her, finding her eyes blazing and her mouth set in a hard line.

“Henrietta,” Athena said sharply.

“Athena.”

Eddie wasn’t the only one looking between Hen and Athena; Bobby and Chimney were to. It was rare that the two women clashed, Eddie having never seen it himself, but that’s how it seemed to be now. He could see it from Hen’s side; she was angry at Justin’s dad’s attitude towards his son, he was to, but he could also see Athena’s need for remaining professional. Chimney laid a hand on Hen’s shoulder, silently asking her to back down and Bobby did the same for Athena – Eddie in the middle of them. Before anything else could be said, Eddie’s bad feeling flared again and they all turned at the sound of commotion coming from the entrance to the parking lot, where it had been blocked off by a couple of officers. A tall, smartly dressed, clean shaved man had broken free from the crowd and bypassed the officers and was stalking towards them, his face grim.

“Excuse me?” he said as he approached.

Athena waved her hand behind him, signalling the officers who were making their way over to fall back. Eddie had a feeling he knew who he was and when he looked to his right and caught Chim’s eye, he could see the other man thought the same as him… and it left an unsettling feeling in his gut.

“My son is sitting on top of that building.”

* * *

Buck was exhausted; emotionally drained and _done_ from talking so much about himself. As much as it felt lifting for him to finally get everything off his chest and share it was someone, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt; he was supposed to be helping Justin, not unloading his own messed up bullshit on the teenager… that’s what he was seeing a therapist for. Maddie and Hen were the only ones that knew (he’d sworn them both to secrecy and forbidden them from telling Chim, he’d just tell everyone – man couldn’t keep a secret to save his life). After his mandated counselling had ended and the stress of the lawsuit, Maddie had suggested it in an offhand comment, and it had just… stuck. He’d agonised for weeks trying to find someone best suited for him (the idea of going to Frank had been floated around but he didn’t want to go to a department shrink as most of his problems weren’t strictly professional). When he’d finally found someone and built up the courage to make the call and book an appointment, he found a perfect fit with Elizabeth. He’d only had a few sessions with her, but he already knew he’d been sticking with it this time – and he definitely would not be sleeping with her (he wasn’t looking at having sex with _anyone_ … and she was happily married with four kids and a dog).

His mind was reeling with the last thing Justin had said to him about his father’s views on med being in the nursing profession. He’s fallen silent right after, refusing to look at Buck, refusing to say anything more. The man had been homophobic and _wrong_. On his many, _many_ , trips to the hospital, he’d encountered dozens of male nurses, and some of them had been the straightest guys he’d ever met. He hated how Justin has been made to feel like he can’t be his true self in this day and age.

Buck glanced down. He’d been watching the team and Athena on and off since he’d sat down, switching his focus between them and Justin when he’d spoken. He’d been able to pinpoint every time they’d been shocked by something he’d said, spotted every time that they’d been uncomfortable with the line of conversation. He was too far away to be sure, but he was almost certain Eddie had been staring directly at him when he’d been talking about the tsunami, like he was trying to catch his eye and stare directly into his soul. He’d watched him stumble where he’d stood, like his legs had given out, when he’d spoken about how he felt having to stand in front of him and tell him he’d lost Christopher. He knew Eddie hadn’t blamed him; it was a natural disaster, a freak occurrence that no one could have predicted… but he also knew logically that for a brief moment he _had_ because it was his _son_ and he’d been _missing_ while Buck was supposed to be watching him… looking after him.

Buck sighed; he didn’t want to think of that day anymore, he was too wrung out. He looked away from the team, lifting his head and turning back to Justin. He looked calmer than he had been the entire time Buck had been up there with him, and the knot in his stomach loosened.

“You know, my sister used to be a nurse,” Buck said, the idea coming to him all of a sudden. He doubted Justin would go for it (and he probably should ask Maddie first, but she wasn’t there, and needs must) but what was the harm in trying? “The three of us could meet up and she could go through the process with you.”

Justin was silent for a moment. It was almost as if he was actually giving Buck’s suggestion a serious thought. He chuckled sadly, shaking his head and looking at Buck. “Still trying to talk me down, Evan?”

Buck gave his own sad smile back, reaching over to pat him lightly on the shoulder. “You know I can’t let you jump, and I think we both you know you don’t want to.”

Justin wiped his eyes and nodded, his shoulders slumping forwards slightly. “I know you can’t and… I don’t think I want to either.”

Buck felt confident that it was over, and they could stand up and head back down together. Justin seemed… lighter in a sense after their talk. He’d listened to Buck, saw the similarities between the two of them. Buck scooted himself back away from the edge and stood, shaking his legs out and trying not to wince at the pins and needles he had from sitting for sitting too long on a hard surface. He wiped his pants down, smoothing out the creases – it wouldn’t look good to go back down looking rumpled. He stepped to Justin, holding his hand out.

“Come on.”

Justin faltered for a second before he reached up and grabbed his hand, Buck hauling his to his feet and steadying him when he stumbled. He moved them a couple of steps from the edge, not wanting to seem like he was dragging Justin away. The teen didn’t fight him. Buck was giving him the once over now he was standing, assessing whether he might have any injuries that he hadn’t told him bout, ones that he had gotten before he got to the construction site. but he couldn’t see any. Just as he went to wrap his hand round Justin’s shoulders to lead him back towards the stairs, he heard the obvious sounds of shouting coming from the parking lot and Buck’s blood ran cold.

“Someone’s shouting,” Justin said, moving out of Buck’s grip and back to the edge to peer over and see what was going on. Buck watched him freeze. “That’s – that’s my dad.”

“ _Justin! Get your ass down here!_ ”

Justin turned to Buck, his eyes wide and his hands shaking at his sides. “You called my dad?”

His voice was barely a whisper and Buck knew things were about to go very wrong very fast. In one stride his was back at Justin’s side, hands on his shoulders. Justin didn’t try to shake him off, but he went rigid, unmoving.

“Of course I didn’t,” Buck said, ducking his head slightly to try and catch his eye. “I’ve been up here with you.”

“Before!” Justin said, throwing Bucks hands off him. He stumbled and Buck had to grab hold of his arm to stop him falling. “When you were down there with them!”

“Justin, I didn’t.”

“ _Justin Clements, this has gone far enough! You’ve made your point!”_

“Justin, _breathe._ ” Justin’s breathing was becoming erratic and Buck could see the fear in his eyes. He was shaking, stumbling as he tried to get out of Buck’s hold, twisting his wrist to hold on to Buck while trying to loosen his grip with the other.

“ _We’ll get you therapy; knock some sense into you!_ ”

“No!”

Everything went to shit, and it only took a second.

Justin took a step back, his foot missing the ledge and falling into empty air. The movement threw him off balance and he tumbled back off the roof… taking Buck with him. Buck knew the fear in Justin’s eyes was reflected in his own. He had enough sense to twist them in mid-air, pulling Justin to his chest as he did so, closing his eyes.

“ _No!_ ”

“ _BUCK!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that commented/liked/bookmarked! It makes me feel so appreciated! I'm so happy so many people liked this! I liked trying to see things from the point of view from someone else, not entirely sure I got it right or did it justice but I am happy with what I've put out there. Yes, I have taken some creative license and dramatized it, drifted the canon elements into something worse but that's fine, right? It's what fanfictions all about.
> 
> All mistakes are mine (I mainly write between midnight and 2am because my brain seems to think 'ooh, got to be up at 4.30 for work, let's give you some good ideas!'
> 
> Hope everyone keeps enjoying!
> 
> Stay safe, much love
> 
> Court x


	3. Falling... Falling... Falling...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creative licence people, creative licence.

He was freefalling… and he was terrified.

In all the times he’d faced death, cheated it, with every time he’d been _this_ close to dying, his life had never before flashed in front of his eyes – until now. It brought him no comfort as time seemed to slow to a crawl and images of Maddie and Bobby, Christopher and Eddie and _everyone_ he cared about flashed in his mind’s eye. It was bittersweet. He heart hammered against his chest and blood pounded in his ears with the pressure of falling through air with nothing to protect them. Buck shivered in the drop wind and a lone tear slipped through his still closed eyes. He heard the crowd that had gathered break out in shouts and gasps, but he was able to pick out the screams of Bobby and Eddie from amongst the chaos… their calling of his name ripping his heart to shreds.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to hear their pain as he fell. He didn’t want them to watch as he got closer to the ground with there being no way for them to stop it… nothing _he_ could do.

He could feel Justin shaking in his arms, pleading for life and crying that he was sorry, and he just held the teenager tighter, closer, offering him the only protection that he could, hoping that it would be enough. He had no idea how effective it would be, if it would even _work_. They had been _so_ close to coming down, _he_ had been so close to having his feet back on safe, solid ground. Any and all progress Buck had made with Justin went out the window the second his dad had started shouting. The _things_ he’d shouted had rewritten everything. Buck didn’t blame Justin for how it had ended; he’d been distressed, and it was a natural reflex to take a step back… it was just unfortunate that he’d been on the edge of the roof when he had. Buck wouldn’t blame him for the fear and panic on his face when he’d heard his dads voice. It wasn’t his fault he was scared. Buck took a small comfort in knowing that Justin hadn’t want to jump in the end – it had just been an accident.

Time seemed to catch up to him and he felt them speed up and he knew impact was near… he could only hope the rescue bags did their job and stop them pummelling straight into the ground. A fall from that height, even with the rescue bags fully inflated, would cause an injury – the severity depending on the landing. Buck’s priority was keeping Justin safe; it had been from the moment Athena had handing him the phone – it was his job to. Even with his eyes closed, Buck knew they were closing in on the ground and he tried not to tense too much as he braced for impact, but his instincts took over.

They hit the bag – hard.

Buck felt the impact with every inch of his body, the bag deflating slowly underneath them, releasing enough air for others to get to them – or for them to get off by themselves. Buck didn’t think they would be getting up without help… at least _he_ wouldn’t. He couldn’t move. He could feel Justin wriggling, fighting against his hold but his arms seemed locked around him and he couldn’t focus on anything but the crushing weight in his chest that had nothing to do with the teen.

_He’d just fallen from the roof._

Buck tried to suck in a breath, but he _couldn’t_. He tried again but nothing happened… and that’s when he started to panic.

Buck was frozen, unable to move. Justin was still fighting against his hold, but he just _could not_ move his arms to let go. He _hurt_. Pain radiated through every muscle, every inch of his body and try as he might, he could not breathe through it. He felt the bag move more under him; more weight added making it deflate further. Hands reached out to him, gently coaxing his arms from round Justin. His eyes blurred as the weight of Justin was lifted off his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he heard Justin whimper. “I’m so sorry.”

Buck wanted to tell him not to worry, that it was okay, but he still wasn’t able to draw breath, his body still completely frozen while his brain went into overdrive.

_He’d just fallen off the roof._

“Get him away from here.”

Even Athena’s authoritative tone couldn’t bring him out of his of head. More hands were on him, warm to the touch yet he shivered violently at the contact. He wouldn’t make out who anyone was; his eyes blurred over completely and his senses out of whack, a buzzing in his ears that made it hard to hear.

“Buckaroo.” _Hen_. He just about make out her face hovering above his own, her eyes wide and concerned. “I need you to breathe for me.”

‘Easier said than done, Henrietta’, he wanted to say, but he couldn’t form the words. Pain radiated through his head to his toes and his chest flamed every time he tried to draw breath. He could feel tears slipped down his cheeks, Hen delicately wiping them away with her thumbs. More hands were on him again, feeling around his neck, poking and prodding at him and he wanted to slap them away, but he couldn’t force his arms to move, them now pinned to his sides by an invisible force.

“No spinal.”

_Chimney_. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. His face came into view, replacing Hen’s who Buck suspected was the one now feeling him up. Her hands were gentle as she felt round for any injuries, exchanging words with Chim whenever she ticked off a checkbox on her mental list of things to look for. The more they talked, the more he focused on their voices, the clearer and less clouded his vision became. The buzzing faded and he started being able to hear more sounds from around him. He heard shouting from all over, Athena barking orders and the crowd fighting to be heard… but he couldn’t hear Justin anymore. He vaguely recalled hearing Athena ordering someone to take him away, but he couldn’t be sure… everything was foggy.

“You gotta breathe for me, Buckaroo,” Hen said, her face in his line of sight once more. He didn’t think he would be able to, but he managed to get some air in his lungs, his chest tight and painful, as though someone was sitting on it. He breathed again. “That’s it. You hurt anywhere?”

“Ch-chest,” he managed to grit out, trying to pull in another breath, but it hurt too much. He shook his head. “Can’t breathe.”

Saying the words seemed to make things worse, like his brain was suddenly catching up. He gasped, his throat seizing, no air getting in. His vision started to blur again, black spots appearing in the corner of his eyes and he _knew_ if he didn’t draw breath soon he’d pass out… and he wasn’t entirely convinced he’d wake again and that _scared_ him… which only made him panic further.

“He’s panicking!”

Who said that? He couldn’t place the voice. He was trapped in his own head, unable to focus on anything enough to bring him back out. He could feel hands on him, and they _burned_. He wanted to push them away, but he couldn’t… he couldn’t do anything.

“Hey, man, _hey_.” New voice. New face. _Eddie_. “Look at me, okay?”

Buck tried; he really did. He tried to focus on Eddie’s voice, but his words were jumbled, and his face swam above him. He could only make out a word here and there, but Eddie didn’t stop talking to him, not once. It was a constant stream of telling him to breathe, to focus on his voice and all of a sudden Buck found himself drawing in one huge breathe and gasping, clawing at Eddie’s arms to pull himself up.

“Easy, Buck, easy,” Eddie said lowly, a hand on the back of his neck, thumb resting on his pulse point, as he gently guided Buck into a seated position.

Buck was panting, eyes wide as he looked at Eddie. He shook his head frantically.

_He’d just fallen off the roof._

“I didn’t jump,” he said, gasping again as he pleaded to be heard, looking round wildly at everyone. “I didn’t mean to. Didn’t want to.”

“We know, baby,” came Athena’s voice and suddenly her face was replacing Eddie’s in front of him. He wasn’t sure when they’d switched, couldn’t remember them doing so. “We know.”

He pushed himself away, somehow moving to his knees. He felt crowded. There was too many people too close to him and he felt like he was suffocating. He vaguely heard Bobby telling everyone to back up and to move away, and he felt the bag shifting as they did so. He looked round frantically, eyes landing on Bobby, who was the only one still within arm’s reach. He reached out, trying to move.

“Cap -,”

Bobby moved faster than Buck had ever seen him do before, catching him as he fell forward, cradling him against his chest. Buck was stiff as he clawed at Bobby’s turnout coat, griping onto whatever he could.

“I’ve got you, Buck,” Bobby soothed. “You’re all right.”

Buck did not feel it, not in the slightest. He sobbed, tears drenching Bobby’s shirt, gasping for breath as his Captain ran his hands over his back.

“Help me.” It came out as a strangled plea, and Bobby only held him tighter.

“I’ve got you; I’ve got you.”

Buck could feel the rumble of Bobby’s chest when he spoke, as he murmured over and over that Buck was safe and… he started to believe it - well, as much as his brain would allow him to. His chest was still tight, pain radiating through the muscles, but he found he was able to draw breath. In. Out. In. Out. One second he was stiff in Bobby’s hold, and then the next he was melting, his whole body becoming floppy to the point Bobby had to sit back on his ankles to keep them both steady and upright. Buck started to shake, and he felt something being laid over his shoulders. He recognised the scent of the aftershave Eddie used and guessed it was his turnout coat. He burrowed into it, huddling for warmth while his eyes slid closed. He was so tired. Bobby tightened his hold again.

“Pack it up, guys,” Bobby said quietly. “Hen, call dispatch and take us offline.”

“On it, Cap.”

Buck could hear Hen talking into her radio, could hear it coming from his own and from Bobby’s to, but he didn’t take much notice. He could barely stay awake. Bobby was swaying slightly with him, still murmuring that he had him.

“So tired,” he mumbled, not realising that he said it out loud.

“I know, Buck,” Bobby said softly, resting his chin on top of Bucks head.

“Just want to sleep,” he whined, curling in on himself further.

“You can when we get you back to the house.”

Buck tensed slightly at Bobby’s words. It was as though a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head and it sent a chill right through his bones. He shouldn’t be seeking comfort from Bobby. He shouldn’t be curled into Bobby’s chest like a small child. They were barely talking before today. There were no hugs or pats on the shoulder. There was no standing together cooking over the stove as Bobby taught him something else to cook. There was _nothing_. He didn’t want to go back to the house. He wanted to go _home_. He wanted to curl into his own bed and sleep, to shut the world away like he should have done in the first place.

“Shouldn’t have come in today,” he muttered, pushing away from Bobby and shrugging Eddies coat from his shoulders. He blinked slowly, barely able to keep his eyes open. He swayed dangerously, Bobby’s hands coming up to steady him. He wanted to push them away, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep himself upright without them. “Should’ve listened to Maddie.”

“I’ll tell her you said that.”

Buck turned his head slowly to find Chim, who was looking at him sadly. He hated it, hated the looks he was being given.

Athena stepped forward, crouching down in front of him, next to Bobby. “You ready to leave, baby?”

_Yes_ he wanted to say, but he couldn’t force the words out. Even though he wanted to, Buck didn’t think he would be able to move. Between the material of the deflated rescue bag tangled round his feet and the fact that Bobby was still having to prop him up and the pain radiating throughout every inch of his body, Buck _knew_ he wouldn’t be able to haul himself up.

“Can’t,” he said, slowly shaking his head. “Hurts.”

“Where, bud?” Chim was kneeling next to him now, running his hands over his neck again, checking for injuries once more. Buck couldn’t help but lean into the touch, Chim wrapping him in a half hug as he still checked him over.

“Everywhere.”

“You hit the bag hard,” Chim said, flashing a light in Buck’s eyes and he flinched back violently. “Sorry. You got winded; gonna have some pretty impressive bruises.”

Huh. Buck hadn’t considered the possibility of being _winded_ as a reason for his back and chest to be hurting as much as they did, though it made perfect sense the more he thought about it.

“S’plains it,” he said, slurring his words slightly and missing the looks of concern that were being shot over his head.”

“Yeah,” Chim said, patting him lightly on the shoulder and standing, holding his hand out for Buck to grasp. “Up you get.”

It took a good few minutes for Buck to get his arms to work enough to lift. He held Chim’s hand in one of his own and Bobby took the other, Eddie coming to stand behind him and slot his hands under his arms, lifting from there. Between the three of them they managed to get Buck standing, even if his legs were shaking so much he was unstable and threatening to fall down. He was able to hear the cheer of the crowd once they could see him up on his feet. He could hear the chatter of Athena’s fellow officers, hear the chatter of the rest of the one-eighteen that wasn’t surrounding him.

“Let’s get you in the truck,” Bobby said, and Buck barely managed to nod before he felt himself being moved.

Bobby led the way to the truck; he, Chim and Eddie not letting go of him. Athena had the door thrown open for them and if Buck wasn’t as tired as he was, he would have made a comment about being babied. Chim let go of his hand long enough to climb the steps into the truck, taking it again to help him up. Buck didn’t think he’d have the strength to get in himself, but somehow between the three of them, they managed to get him in and into his seat. Eddie buckled him in, trying to catch his eye but he refused to look at him. He closed his eyes and shivered again. He felt something being laid of his legs, and something else being wrapped round his front and tucked behind his shoulders. His head started to slip down, him not having the strength to keep it up, but someone placed their hand gently on his cheek, guiding his head down comfortably. Buck felt himself drifting, only catching bits and pieces of Eddie and Chim’s murmured conversation, but he did find himself listening in to Bobby and Athena’s.

“Meet us at the house?” Bobby was saying.

“I have to deal with…” Athena trailed off, but Buck could guess what she had to deal with. “I’ll come by after.”

Buck didn’t catch the end of their conversation; he was drifting in and out of sleep. The truck fell silent, Eddie and Chim no longer talking. Buck wasn’t sure if he’d drifted off completely or not, but the sudden lurching of the truck had him bolting upright, breathing heavily.

“Easy, Buck,” Eddie said, his hands outstretched towards him. “We’re just getting moving.”

He swallowed thickly, nodding. He glanced round, finding Chim still there and that Hen had joined them. He frowned, looking at her.

“What about the ambulance?” he murmured, slowly leaning back in his seat again, hitching the turnout coat back over him (a quick glance down told him that it was his own). He closed his eyes once more.

“Peterson’s driving it back for us; we wanted to be in here with you.”

He hummed his response, not fully registering what she’d said. The moment he was back with his head resting against the headrest, he let the exhaustion take over. He fell into a fitful sleep; blinking awake every few minutes; catching snippets of conversation spoken in low volumes and Eddie looking away every time Buck caught him staring (not that Buck would remember it, given just how out of it he was). Buck drifted off once more, this time into a sleep deep enough that he didn’t wake every time they hit a bump in the road. He missed the remainder of the journey back to the firehouse. He missed everyone climb out and Bobby instructing them to leave him be. He missed Maddie greeting them with her arms crossed and worry etched on her face.

He woke to someone gently rubbing their thumb over his cheek, slowly rousing him. He blinked sleep from his eyes, his sisters face coming into view.

“Evan?” Maddie said softly.

“Mads?” he asked, confused. He wasn’t aware that she was going to be at the firehouse, didn’t know that she was going to be there waiting for them to return. He thought about it, deciding that he shouldn’t be surprised that she was.

“Hey, baby brother,” she said, smiling at him, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “You going to wake up for me?”

“Mm,” he hummed, closing his eyes once again and huddling further down into his seat, savouring the warmth. He heard Maddie chuckle and cracked an eye open. He remembered their phone call from earlier that morning. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, not just a few hours. He remembered what had been said, the way he’d spoke to her. “ ‘m sorry for snapping at you.”

Maddie’s bottom lip quivered ever so slightly, and she shook her head. “I'm sorry for making you snap. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.”

“You were right,” he mumbled with a shrug. “Should’ve listened to you.”

He really wished he had... _really_ wished he had.

“So I’ve been told,” she said, and Buck knew she meant it as a joke... but it fell flat between them. “Athena's on her way; she’ll be here soon.”

If Athena was on her way to the firehouse already, surely that must have meant she was no longer needed at the scene… that she was finished dealing with Justin. He hoped the teenager was okay. He hoped he wasn’t given too hard a time; from Athena or his father (he doubted Justin’s dads views or opinions would change, but he hoped he would see and understand what his words could do people). He hated the thought of Justin suffering any more than he already had - it wouldn’t be fair. He had to know.

“Justin?” he asked, his voice coming out by far more timid than he liked.

Maddie’s eyes darkened a fraction and she chuckled, not looking at him. “Always concerned about others when you should be thinking about yourself.”

Buck untangled his hand from where he had it tucked down the side of him, under the makeshift blanket, reaching for her. She took it in one of her own, squeezing it lightly. “Maddie.”

She sighed. “From what I’ve heard, he’s a little bruised from landing on you but he’s otherwise okay – you broke his fall.” She stroked his cheek with the thumb of her free hand. “Athena had him taken to hospital as a precaution.”

“He’s okay?” Buck asked, wanting to make sure.

“He’s okay,” Maddie confirmed with a tight smile, nodding.

Buck knew Maddie was worried, her eyes gave it away even without her reluctance to talk about Justin. The situation, the circumstance, had hit a little too close to home for him and by extension Maddie to. She may not have been there during that time in his life, but he was still her brother, and he knew she loved him more than words could say.

“He was coming down,” Buck whispered his mind taking him back to the roof, to Justin taking his hand and agreeing to come down… to before they fell. “He was going to come down with me but then his dad started shouting and – it was an accident, Maddie.”

“I know, Buck,” Maddie soothed, combing his hair back with her fingers. His heart slowed from where it had started racing. “Howie told me what happened; he called me from the truck while you were sleeping, and Athena’s been texting me since you headed back.”

Buck hadn’t realised Chim had called Maddie, though it made perfect sense that he would have. Had he been that out of it on the ride back to the station that he hadn’t noticed… and since when was Maddie that well acquainted with Athena to be exchanging texts? He wanted to ask, but h couldn’t get the words out before Maddie was talking again.

“I’m so proud of you,” she said, with so much conviction and tears in her eyes that Buck’s own started to sting. “Everything you did today, the way you handled it all – I couldn’t be prouder of you than I already am.”

Buck’s bottom lip quivered as she spoke, and he to bite down on it in an effort not to cry. He’d already broken down and sobbed into Bobby’s chest once today, he didn’t need to do the same to her to. _Bobby_. The reality of what had happened out there today washed over him and sent him crashing in to the waves. Everyone _knew_. His sexuality (yes, he kept that to himself, but if someone was to have come to him outright with a ‘hey, Buck, are straight?’ he would have told them the truth) he wasn’t overly bothered with them knowing – he knew they wouldn’t judge no matter what, especially not Hen. Them knowing that he once tried to kill himself? Yeah, that he was now freaking out about.

“They all know now,” he whispered, his chest tight once more and he knew he sounded broken. “They all know about me and what I tried to do.”

“I know,” Maddie said softly, running her fingers through his hair again; he closed his eye at the motion. Her hand froze for a second, and Buck cracked an eye open – she was looking at him with sadness lacing her eyes, like she was just realising something. “Oh, _Evan_ , none of them think any less of you.”

He shook his head. “They’ll think I’m _weak_ ,” he whimpered, covering his face with his hands. “ _That’s_ how they see me now.”

“No, Evan, they don’t,” Maddie sad firmly, pulling his hands away from his face and gripping his wrists tightly. It was oddly grounding. Maddie forced him to look directly at her. “I think they’re finally realising just how strong you _are_ , just like I do.”

He cried then, Maddie instantly wrapping him in a hug, rocking slightly with him in her arms. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, just holding onto each other as he sobbed. At some point he stopped, sniffing and hiccupping, wiping his nose on his shirt. Maddie made a noise of disgust at that and he smiled at her, before it fell away second later as he glanced towards the truck door.

“I wanna go home, Mads,” he said quietly, and she nodded. His bit his lip, glancing at the door again. “I can’t – I can’t face them.”

“Okay,” she said softly, only hunched slightly as she stood. “Think you can get up and out without help?”

Buck started to nod but found himself stopping which earned him a frown from Maddie. Was he really ready to leave the confines of the truck? He didn’t think he was. He was safe and away from prying eyes in the truck with the door closed, with no one being able to see him. He didn’t know for sure (he hadn’t asked, and Maddie hadn’t mentioned), but he was almost certain hen, Chim, Bobby and Eddie would be standing somewhere out there waiting for him to come out. He wasn’t ready to face them… and he didn’t think he would be for a while. He shook his head at her.

“I don’t want them to see me.”

“Evan, you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to,” Maddie said, sitting back down and reaching for his hand, giving it a squeeze. He gripped hers in return. “If they’re standing out there, that’s okay, we can ignore them, and I’ll take you home.”

It wasn’t about him being able to see them though, it was about _them_ being able to see _him_. He knew he wouldn’t be able to put on a brave face, wouldn’t be able to hide his emotions behind a carefully constructed wall. He just couldn’t do it; he didn’t have the energy to, and he really didn’t want them to see it. Maddie tapped his cheek.

“You want to come back to my place?” she asked. His apartment was cold and lonely, where Maddie’s was warm and inviting… but Chimney had been staying with her while the water was out in his own. He didn’t want to risk Chim walking in. He shook his head, looking down. “Okay, then I’ll take you straight to yours; we can order in and watch movies, or you can sleep for a few hours and I’ll find something to cook.”

It sounded nice, and he did want to just curl into a ball under the comforter in his own bed. “Can – can you take me home now?” he asked, his voice small. “I just want to sleep.”

“Of course I can,” Maddie said softy. “Let’s go.”

Just as she reached her hand out to him again, the truck door opened, and Buck felt himself freeze in place, fear lacing his eyes. Who was it? What did they want? Had one of the team finally decided they’d waited long enough for him to emerge and were now taking matters into their own hands? He tensed as he heard a foot hit the bottom step to the truck and clamped his eyes shut, not wanting to see who it was and curled in on himself.

Warm hands eased his clenched fist open, massaging his palm from where his nails had left indents in his skin.

“Buckaroo?”

All the tension in his body evaporated and he relaxed within a second. _Athena_. He had forgotten Maddie had said Athena was on her way, and he hadn’t expected her to just up and climb into the truck with them, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t happy to see her. She was sitting in the seat Maddie had been, his sister having moved to the one next to him.

“Hey ‘Thena,” he said, giving her a small smile.”

“You doing okay, baby?” she said with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

Buck shook his head but didn’t elaborate. Athena just smiled sadly at him. “Maddie’s taking me home.”

Buck saw the two women share a look, both nodding to each other before Maddie started running her fingers through his hair once more and Athena ran her thumb over the bac of his hand a few times. “How about you both come home with me instead?”

Buck tensed again, and he knew Maddie and Athena had both noticed because they both held on to him a little tighter. As nice as it sounded, it posed the exact same problem as him going back to Maddie’s, only it would be Bobby he would have to worry about – and that was so much worse. He shook his head.

“Bobby -,”

Athena cut him off. “Will be on shift until tomorrow morning; he won’t be home tonight.”

Buck thought about it for a moment. Going back with Athena sounded nice, but he wanted Maddie, _needed_ Maddie. “Maddie -,”

“Will be there,” Athena cut him off again, assuring him that Maddie would be there. She glanced at Maddie again and Buck saw her give Athena a nod out the corner of his eye. “I’ll take you in my car; Maddie can sort your stuff and join us.” 

Though her tone was soft and gentle, Buck knew here was no room for refusal or negotiation, not that he wanted to try and do so. With a nod of confirmation from Maddie, Buck agreed, too tired to try and fight against it… he was tired of fighting. He knew he’d have to pass the team on the way out, would have no choice; he could only hope they wouldn’t try and talk to him.

* * *

Eddie – along with Bobby, Hen and Chimney – stood away from the truck, waiting anxiously for the three inside to come out. Maddie had thrown the door open as soon as the truck was in park, ordering them all out and taking his abandoned seat opposite her brother. Chimney had closed the door behind them, not before Eddie saw Maddie gently cupped Bucks cheek, whispering his name. Cap had sent everyone but them on their way, telling them that he wanted the place cleaned top to bottom while there were offline, his tone having left no room for arguments. Eddie had sagged against the wall, eyes trained on the truck until Athena came strolling in, still in uniform. He straightened up as Bobby went to great her, but she’d halted him with a hand and a glare, simply asking where Buck was before climbing into the truck herself.

The four of them waited in silence, barely moving until the truck door slowly opened and Athena backed out, Bucks hands in hers as she guided him down the steps. Maddie appeared after, hands on Bucks back keeping him steady. He looked as though he would keel over the second they let go… and he barely managed to resist the urge to go over to help, and the shifting of Bobby’s feet told him he was thinking the same. Buck never once looked their way, but Eddie could make out his dropping eyes and his slumped shoulders and knew he was curling in on himself, protecting himself… and he knew he was doing it because of them.

He’d never, _ever_ , seen Buck this way before.

They watched as Athena led Buck away from them, not throwing a single glance their way, and left the firehouse. Maddie didn’t move to go after them, just watched them disappear, heaving a great sigh once they were out of sight. He wanted to know what was going on, what was ging to happen next, but he was almost certain his questions would _not_ be appreciated… and he only had himself to blame.

“Where are they going?”

Eddie watched as Maddie spun on her heel at Chim’s question, and he couldn’t say he was surprised by the fire in her eyes. She was angry.

“Athena’s taking him home with her, and I’m going to join them.”

She glanced quickly over her shoulder and Eddie was sure it was to make sure they were alone, and Buck and Athena hadn’t made their way back in unnoticed. They hadn’t. Maddie turned back to them, taking a step to Bobby.

“You’ll need to cover him,” she said, her voice quiet but dangerous. Chim gulped. “I’m going to try and convince him to take some time off after what he’s been through today but considering just how hard he fought to come back, I doubt he’ll do it.”

Eddie wasn’t the only one that flinched; it seemed like Hen was the only one who _didn’t_. Eddie had never seen Maddie so… _angry_. Granted, he hadn’t spent that much time with her, but all the stories he’d heard from Buck and Chim, he’d never envisioned her like _this_. Much kike Athena, she had a quiet anger, one that showed itself in looks and low tones rather than a raised voice and closed fist. She took another step towards Bobby, pointing at him, and Eddie silently congratulated him on not stepping back.

Hen stepped forward then, placing a hand on Maddie’s arm.

“He’s supposed to be seeing Elizabeth next week.”

Eddie took a moment to wonder who Elizabeth was, and he knew he was in no position to ask. He watched as Maddie considered Hen’s words, before finally nodding.

“I’ll ask him if he wants to move up his appointment.”

Ah. He guessed that meant she was a therapist. He’d heard briefly about the last time Buck had been to one (not including the mandated one he’d had to see in order to be cleared for work), and how it had ended. He couldn’t say he was surprised though… given everything that Buck had been through in the last year. He looked at Maddie, seeing her eyeing Bobby.

“Athena’s not expecting you home until tomorrow,” she said, pointedly. “I can’t stop you from going to your own home, but he doesn’t want to see you – any of you.”

He felt Bobby tense beside him, but he saw Hen’s face fall.

“Not even us?” she said, gesturing to herself and Chim and Eddie could understand why – they’d been the only two to give Buck any time of day since he’d come back, even if Chim was still reserved.

Maddie smiled sadly at her, shaking her head. “He revealed parts of himself that he never wanted you to know, parts of himself that he’d kept to himself for over a decade, on a day that’s mentally taxing anyway.” She frowned, and Eddie knew she was going in for the kicker. “He thinks you’ll all think he’s weak.”

Eddie stood, completely stunned. He’d never once thought Buck as weak. With everything Buck had been through over the last year (and with what he now knew what Buck went through years ago), Eddie could safely say Buck was one of the strongest people he knew. He fought, and he fought, and he fought, not one giving up. How could anyone call him weak for that?

“We don’t think -,” Chim started, but Maddie cut him off.

“ _I_ know that; he just needs to process what happened today,” she said, biting her lip. “Understand that he was pulled off a roof after revealing he once tried to _throw_ himself off one. He’s not okay.”

Eddie flinched again. He could still see Buck being pulled forward by Justin every time he closed his eyes. He could see the momentum pulling Buck over the edge. He could see Buck _still_ trying to protect Justin by twisting them so he would land first. He could still hear his own scream as they went down. He could still feel the rawness in his throat. Bobby had been the same… worse than how he’d been when Buck coughed up blood in his backyard. Maddie sighed, pulling Eddie from his thoughts.

“I need to get his stuff.”

He watched her go, to head for the locker room. He watched as she spoke briefly to Chim, shrugging him off when he tried to hold her. Bobby clapped him on the shoulder and disappeared up the stairs (he guessed to his office) and Hen and Chim moved off to the ambulance (which had been returned by Travers and Peterson). Eddie’s eyes flicked up to the loft and then to the locker room. It occurred to him that she most likely wouldn’t be able to get into Bucks locker; he doubted Buck was in any state to remember to give his sister the key. Eddie pulled out his own set of keys, fingering through them until he found what he was looking for. There were a few different ones. One for his own apartment and a small one for his locker here at the station, one for Pepa’s and another for Abuela’s… and then there were two more; one for Buck’s apartment and another small one for Buck’s locker. He sighed, making for the locker room. He could see her through the glass, just standing in front of Buck’s locker contemplating how she was going to open it. He pushed open the door, stepping through and letting it fall close quietly behind him. He knew she could hear the jingling of his keys as he detached the one for Bucks locker, but she kept her back to him, not turning round until he spoke.

“You’ll need this.”

He held the key out, waiting in trepidation for her to turn round and acknowledge him. He hadn’t spent all that much time with Maddie; not in a group and certainly not alone like they were now (aside from that fateful night of Bucks welcome back party, but he’d rather not think about that right now). In all honesty, what he knew about her, he only knew because he’d heard it through either Buck or Chim. Something about the tension in the air told him he was in for a very long conversation with the woman… and he was not prepared for it in the slightest. The prospect of having to stand there and listen and be lectured on how bad a friend he’d been was daunting, but he’d brought it on himself and he couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , blame Maddie for doing it. Eddie heard her sigh and watched her square her shoulders before she turned to face him, eyebrow raised as she eyed the key in his outstretched hand.

“You have a key for his locker?” she questioned as she took it and turned her back on him once more.

She unlocked it and swung the door open, Eddie seeing the inside. He’d seen it so many times before that it shouldn’t have been a shock. Gone were the three photos Buck had pinned to the inside of the door, the ones that used to show the whole team, the one of him and Maddie and the one of him, Eddie and Chris that had been taken when he’d asked Buck to join them in seeing

Santa. He hadn’t noticed them not being there the entire time Lena had been using the locker, and he hadn’t noticed their absence once Buck had come back. He guessed they must be in the box Bobby had said he had of Buck’s stuff under his desk. He couldn’t help but imagine that the reason Buck hadn’t replaced them once coming back was because he no longer felt like part of the team, like he was just waiting to be replaced again.

“He has one for mine…” he found himself saying. “At least he did have.”

There had been too many times when either one of them had needed something from their locker and the other had offered to get it, only to realise that they needed the key. It had just made sense for them to exchange their spare keys, just like they had to their apartments… saved on having to toss their keys over the railing to the loft every time.

He watched as she pulled out Bucks duffle, his spare uniform and the sneakers he’d worn it and carefully place them in the bag. He watched her take her time in packing away her brothers things in silence, not saying a single word to him. He was reminded of earlier that morning, being in a similar position with the younger Buckley sibling and he couldn’t take the silence any longer.

“Maddie,” he said, his voice croaky. “I -,”

She held a hand up to him and his mouth snapped shut. “It’s not me you need to be apologising to, Eddie.”

Eddie looked down. “I know.”

“Sit.”

His head snapped up. Maddie raised an eyebrow at him again, gesturing to the bench, where she’d already seated herself, Buck’s packed duffle at her feet. He nodded slowly and joined her, elbows on his knees. They stayed in silence for a few minutes, Eddie not knowing what to say and Maddie just sitting there watching him. He swallowed thickly, looking at her out the corner of his eye.

“I -,”

“Did you know that it was Bobby stopping Buck from coming back?”

Eddie frowned at her. He hadn’t expected her to cut him off, though he shouldn’t have been so surprised – she obviously had something to say. Eddie thought back to the time before the lawsuit, when Buck was trying to get reinstated again after the embolism, and how he was told he wouldn’t be able to come back yet. He’d had all the paperwork he’d needed but there was still something stopping him and at the time, Eddie couldn’t help but think that maybe it was _someone_.

“Not entirely,” he admitted, not looking up at her. “I suspected it might have been at some point, but I didn’t _know_ it for sure until Bobby told us Buck had filed the lawsuit.”

“And,” she said, her voice soft and questioning. “You never once thought to say something to Buck? You didn’t think to mention that you thought Bobby was behind him not being able to come back?”

Eddie did look at her then, finding her staring straight at him. “Bobby -,”

She cut him off. “Captain Robert Nash is not squeaky clean, Eddie.” It was his turn to shoot the questioning look. “Yeah, Howie talks to me – about all of you actually.”

What _had_ Chimney been saying? Eddie could only imagine what had been coming out of his fellow firefighters mouth.

“You’re supposed to be Buck’s best friend; you’re supposed to have his back,” Maddie said, and wave of guilt shot through him.

Why _hadn’t_ he mentioned anything to Buck? He _had_ suspected Bobby was the reason behind Buck not being able to come back, but he knew that he wouldn’t have been doing it to be malicious, and that Bobby would have had his reasons… he just hadn’t tried to find them out. He knew Buck was going to ask Bobby for help, but Eddie hadn’t tried to stop him and… he did not have an answer for why. Maddie was right; he was supposed to have Buck’s back and he didn’t, not that time.

“If you saw Bobby as you father figure; the only one to give you a second chance when you screwed up, and then you found out _he_ was the reason you couldn’t do the job you loved – what would you have done?”

Eddie… didn’t know. He couldn’t but himself in Buck’s shoes.

“He came to me, after telling Bobby he was suing him.” Maddie sighed, and Eddie hear the crack in her voice, like she was telling a secret she shouldn’t have been. “Chimney was at his own apartment and Buck broke down in my arms as soon as I opened the door. He regretted starting the lawsuit as soon as he’d done it.”

Eddie’s shot up again at that. Buck had regretted it? “He did?”

Maddie nodded; her voice soft again as she spoke. “Yes, but he was desperate, and he told me he wasn’t thinking clearly when he went to speak to Mackey and started the process but then… he really realised that what was happening to him was _wrong_ and that made everything so much worse. He honestly did not think that bastard of a lawyer would throw everything he told in out in the open, and he wanted to take everything back as soon as he realised it was going to be used against you all, but he couldn’t.”

Eddie looked at her, finding tears in her eyes as she spoke. Sitting here now, he could believe that Buck wanted to take it back. Buck had a tendency to act sometimes before he’d properly thought things out, but Eddie knew deep down that Buck never intended to be malicious, it wasn’t in his nature to be.

“He knows it hurt all of you, and he’s so sorry for that,” Maddie said with a sniff. “But you all hurt him to. My brother wears his heart on his sleeve and -,”

That may have been true, but Buck hadn’t told any of them how he’d been feeling. If he had, they could have talked him through it, explained that he _was_ still part of the team, but he _hadn’t_ , and maybe that was partly on him – them – for not being clear and for not asking but they can’t shoulder all the blame if they didn’t know what was going on in Bucks head. Eddie shook his head at her. He didn’t want to play the blame game, not when tensions were already running high as it was. He sighed.

“I was angry,” he said, not looking at her. “I was angry Buck hadn’t come to talk to me before deciding to go through with it. I thought…”

“Should he of?” Maddie asked, and Eddie frowned at her. He was Buck’s best friend, why shouldn’t Buck have come to him? “Should he have come and spoken you if he felt like he’d lost his place in the firehouse, like you’d replaced him for someone else?”

He wanted to yes but... he found he couldn’t, and that little revelation shocked him into silence.

“I know you were there for him, Eddie,” Maddie said, her tone slightly challenging. “But can you sit there and honestly admit you hadn’t distanced yourself just a little bit?”

“I -,” he started, but he had to cut himself off. The more he thought about it, the more he realised Maddie was _right_. He had distanced himself slightly, and he hadn’t even known he was doing it.

“He didn’t feel like he could speak to _anyone_ , Eddie. Yes, he should of,” Maddie said, a hand on his shoulder, the pressure enough to get him to turn to her. Her eyes were blazing, and he had to stop himself from recoiling. “But Buck didn’t want to burden anyone with his problems, so he tried to fight them alone, because no matter how many time he’s told otherwise, Buck will always believe he’s alone.”

As single tear slipped down her cheek and Eddie knew the pain she felt on behalf of her brother was both raw and real. She wiped the tear away harshly.

“You had things going on, Eddie,” she said. “Buck knew that and while you were going through your things, he wouldn’t have told you about his. He didn’t want to be selfish.”

_Buck’s not selfish!_ Eddie wanted to scream into the locker room. Buck was possibly the most _selfless_ person he’d ever met, and he’d met a lot of people. He never failed to help someone who needed it and was always there with a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on… but he hadn’t been there for a while. He’d filed the lawsuit and cut himself off from everyone (and Eddie had really needed him during that time), he’d ripped their friendship apart for what, the sake of a job? Something unsavoury settled in his stomach at the mere thought of the words. Buck may not have spoken up but when had that ever stopped Eddie from just _knowing_ how and what his best friend was thinking? He’d known without Buck mentioning that he was struggling after the embolism. He’d known without Buck mentioning that he was struggling in the direct aftermath of the tsunami, why hadn’t he still seen it after that? He swallowed thickly.

“I – I still wasn’t over Shannon’s death even though it had been months,” he said quietly. Maddie said nothing, just let him talk. “She – she left me twice in two days, she left _Christopher_.”

“She died, Eddie.”

Eddie shook his head. He didn’t want to get into the fact that she’d asked for a divorce the night before she died, didn’t want to explain that they had no longer been together when she died, that their marriage was actually over – properly – with Shannon having informed him that very morning that she’d contacted her lawyer about drawing up the papers. He nodded at Maddie.

“Yeah, she died, and then Buck almost died, and we spent _five_ months watching him fight through pain and setbacks to get recertified only to almost die _again_. The whole time I had to continually tell my son his Buck wasn’t going anywhere.” Eddie knew that he didn’t need to remind Maddie; he remembered clear as day as he held her as her brother coughed up blood… he’d only let her go once Buck was being loaded into an ambulance, her telling him to come with them. He’d had to say no, had to say that he needed to stay behind and talk to Chris. Buck had been so withdrawn after that, after he’d stood in the hospital and told Bobby he quit, that he and Chris had decided to cheer him up themselves (it had been mostly Chris’s idea if he had to be honest, and he’d had to work), so came operation ‘Buck up Buck’… and Eddie shuddered every time he thought about it, because his plan indirectly meant Buck was put in harm’s way – again. “Maddie, the only reason they were on the fucking pier is because I forced Buck out of his apartment. He was struggling and instead of talking to him, I thrusted my son at him and made into a babysitter. I threw the fact that I had to work in his face.”

It was only after he’d closed the door behind him and was halfway back to his car that he’d realised what he’d said and how it sounded. He hadn’t had the time to turn back and apologise, instead vowing to do so when he’d picked Chris up… only he’d never gotten to because it had been all hands-on deck even after the end of his shift and then he’d run into Buck at the VA hospital… it had slipped his mind.

“Eddie -,” Maddie said, but he cut her off with a shake of his head.

“I spent the entire day thinking they were safe; I didn’t even try to call and make sure until later. I failed both of them, because if I had, then I would have known sooner that they’d been caught up in it and I could have been looking for _them_ ,” he stood, ignoring Maddie’s soft assurances of ‘you couldn’t have known’. A wave of guilt and shame washed over him at his next words. “When I ran into Buck at the VA hospital, I wasn’t worried about him – my only concern was Christopher. What kind of a friend was I then?

“You were a father concerned for his son, Eddie,” Maddie said, standing to move next to him. “No one would ever blame you for putting your concern for Christopher over your concern for Buck; _he_ wouldn’t blame you.”

“I should have been concerned for both of them!” Eddie shouted, just stopping himself from pounding his fist against the nearest locker. He noticed Maddie take a step back from him, her eyes wide. He’d scared her, and he felt terrible for it. He leant back against the lockers, letting his head fall against the cool metal. “They could have died, and I wouldn’t have known for hours – days even. I knew that he wasn’t alright, that he was feeling guilty over what happened, but I didn’t talk to him. I didn’t even give him time to rest before I was dropping Chris off with him again and -,”

“You have no idea how much that helped him,” Maddie said, coming to stand next to him again, tapping his arm lightly to get him to look at her. “Eddie, he was so caught up in his head with the what-ifs; he was able to see Chris was safe for himself. It didn’t matter that he’d seen him in you arms at the VA hospital; with everything else that was going on and then the fact that he’d passed out from exhaustion, he wasn’t able to _really_ see it for himself. He was whisked one way, Chris the other and he only got to see him briefly before I came to drive him home and Bobby was ordering you away as well. He carried so much guilt for losing Christopher, he still does.”

“I never realised… until today… he _shouldn’t_ ; he _saved_ Chris,” Eddie said sharply, earning himself a nod from Maddie. “Chris told me that Buck never stopped trying to keep him safe, that he fought against the water over and over, and the woman that found him? She said that all Chris was worried about was Buck because he was alone.”

“Have you met me brother?” Maddie asked with a sigh and a shake of he head. “He knows Chris disappearing wasn’t his fault, but part of him still believes that he should have tried harder, that he failed the both of you.”

“He didn’t!” Eddie exploded. “God, Maddie.”

“I know that,” Maddie said, gently tugging on Eddie’s arm to get him to sit back down with her. “He called me, you know, that first day you let him watch Chris again.” Eddie looked at her, shaking his head. She nodded and gave him a small smile. “They’d been watching movies most of the day and Christopher had fallen asleep watching Brother Bear or something. Buck called and said he couldn’t understand how you still trusted him with your son after everything that happened. It took over an hour to convince him you genuinely meant it.”

“Of course I did!”

Eddie wished he had known how deep Buck’s self-doubt ran. He wished he had sat down with Buck and talked to him about it properly, and not just in passing as he dropped Chris off with him for the day. He wished he’d known how much guilt Buck still felt. He just wished he’d known.

“My brother had always had a hard time believing people had faith in him. Ever noticed how he seeks approval?” Eddie nodded. He _had_ noticed it, on many occasions, how Buck would light up when complemented on a job well done and how he would dim when he was reprimanded. “It’s because he rarely – if ever – got it. Our parents were not good parents.”

“So I’ve heard,” Eddie said darkly.

“I never knew how bad it had gotten for him until he told me the day I turned up in LA,” she said, silent tears slipping down her cheeks. Eddie stood, going to one of the shelves and pulling down a tissue box, handing it to her once he reclaimed his seat. She nodded in thanks, dabbing the tears away. “They were always distant and uncaring – never should have had children – but… I should have been there for him. I should have stayed or tried to take him with me.”

Eddie shook his head, placing a hand over hers. “You can’t blame yourself, Maddie.”

“But I do,” she said, a sob escaping, which she quickly covered with her hand. “I realised, after he told me, just how much Doug had managed to distance me from Buck. I left him and I couldn’t go back. I wasn’t there for him and I should have been. My brother needed me, and I wasn’t there.”

Eddie knew that he could try and sit there for hours convincing her that it wasn’t her fault, that she couldn’t have known how bad things had gotten for her brother, but it would be futile. She’d have to come to believe it herself, and he couldn’t see that happening anytime soon… and maybe it never would. He did understand where she was coming from though, and he couldn’t deny feeling the same.

“I wasn’t there for him either.”

“No,” Maddie agreed, though she said nothing further.

He hadn’t meant to not be there for Buck, hadn’t intended to leave him to his own devices for so long. He’d unconsciously distanced himself from Buck, and as a result, left Buck feeling like he couldn’t come and talk to him.

“He didn’t come and talk to me, Maddie.”

“No,” she agreed again, looking him dead in the eye. Eddie felt a sudden chill wash over him, “Can you honestly sit there and say you would have sat down and listened to him?”

Eddie’s instinct was to say yes, and he really wanted to… but he couldn’t. The longer he sat there and mulled over her question, the more he realised that he couldn’t answer and say yes, because he wasn’t convinced that was his answer, and he felt fucking dreadful for it. Maddie was looking at him waiting for an answer… and Eddie had to shake his head.

“Buck, in his eyes, was being replaced and not a single one of you – Hen and Howie included, because it wasn’t just you – reassured him that that wasn’t the case.” Eddie made to object, but Maddie wouldn’t let him. She held her hand up, a stern look on her face and his mouth snapped shut. “You let him walk in here and see Bosko in his place. Yes, rationally he knows that there would have been someone covering him while he was off, but no one had actually told him who, so all he saw when he walked in was this woman that had take his place and there was no room for him to return. Buck fought so hard to come back to work and bobby stopped him.”

Eddie… could see where she was coming from and that nasty, unsettling feeling was in the pit of his stomach again.

“Bosko was only ever a temp; she was only ever going to be here long enough to cover him and until her station was up and running again,” he said, just short of pleading for her to understand. “Buck must have known that?”

“Did anyone say that to him?”

“I -,”

Eddie cut himself off. _He_ hadn’t told Buck… and he couldn’t speak for the others, but he had a feeling that none of them had either. He groaned, putting his head in his hands. He’d – _they’d_ – fucked up. He could see now how it must have looked to Buck, to come in one day and see someone in his place. He wished he could go back and make it right. If someone had sat Buck down and just explained to him, maybe nothing that had happened in the last few months would have.

“I get that you had Christopher to think of and that you still weren’t over Shannon,” Maddie said quietly and Eddie's head snapped up. Why did she have to bring Shannon’s death up? “But Buck needed you and you -,”

“Buck sued the city, Maddie,” he said sharply. “He sued _Bobby_ and didn’t once reached out.”

Maddie was angry now, he could see it in her eyes. “Buck saw Bobby like a father to him and that man betrayed him, kept him from doing something he loves and is so good at. Buck got hurt, he almost died because someone had a vendetta against Bobby.” Eddie made to object, but Maddie held a hand up to stop him. He snapped his mouth shut. “That’s not Bobby’s fault, and Buck would never blame him for it – no one can – but Bobby then decided to choose Buck’s future for him and that’s not right.”

Eddie could tell that she was trying not to show how angry she was, but he could sense in her tone. Buck hadn’t been the only firefighter that had been hurt in the bombing, but the five other guys had come out with scratches compared to him. The most serious injury sustained by then was a fractured wrists and if Eddie remembered correctly Parks had to have sixteen stiches to close the wound on his shoulder. Buck had been the only one severely injured… and he’d been the only one Bobby had fought against coming back.

“How many times does Buck have to prove himself to be seen the same as one of you?” Eddie frowned at her. Buck _was_ the same as them. “Do you realise how many times Bobby has chewed Buck out for something that any one of you would get away with?”

Eddie frowned again, before his eyes slowly widened with the realisation that she may be right. Off the top of his head, he could think of a few times where Buck had done something (whether it be heroic or downright stupid) and Bobby would have a stern word with him about not thinking about the consequences of his actions… only for him or Chimney or one of the other guys to go and the near exact same thing a few days later and get nothing more than the shake of a head.

“Yeah,” Maddie scoffed. “Buck talks, and he talks a hell of a lot when he’s emotionally charged and vulnerable. Bobby treats him differently and he _realised_.

Bobby did, and Eddie could see that now.

“If it were anyone else, if it weren’t Buck that had filed but someone else in the same situation but from another station,” Maddie said slowly, “would you have said they did the right thing?”

Eddie shook his head, not liking that he was being put on the spot. “Buck -,”

“Forget that it was Buck, Eddie.”

How could he forget that it was Buck, though? It _had_ been Buck that filed. It _had_ been Buck that sued his Captain and the city., but… Maddie had a point. He tried to think over everything, to think as an outsider and put everything into perspective. He tried to imagine hearing this all for the first time; a firefighter was being treated differently by their Captain, was being stone-walled by said Captain into coming back to work after an injury despite being cleared by multiple doctors and having cleared their psych eval.

“ _Think,_ ” Maddie said softly. “If it was _anyone_ else…”

Eddie swallowed thickly. He looked at Maddie and nodded. “They would have every right.”

“So why does it make a difference that it was Buck?”

“Because he froze us out!” Eddie said, his voice raised. Buck being the one to file made _every_ difference. Buck was… Buck was family. Eddie shifted on the bench, straddling it with a leg either side to face her fully. “Maddie, he went behind _all_ of our backs. He met with that lawyer without saying a damn thing, filed it and cut us all off. We weren’t allowed to talk to him and when he finally _do_ see him, we find out he told the guy _everything_.”

Maddie nodded, but tilted her head at him, her lips pursed. “Did you try to reach out to him?”

Eddie was taken aback. “What?”

“Yes, there was a no contact thing, but it was a recommendation, not a law,” she said and… Eddie was confused.

They’d been told they _couldn’t_ talk to Buck, hadn’t they? He bit his lip. If he remembered correctly, he was sure they were told it was _inadvisable_ to do so… not that they were forbidden to.

“Did you try to reach out to him?” Maddie asked again and he looked down, shaking his head. “Why?”

“Because… because it was easier than admitting how much him not being around was affecting me,” he admitted, hating just how true his words were. Buck had called him, right presumably right after he’d handed Bobby the papers and left, saying that they wouldn’t be able to see each other for a while, or even talk, and that Bobby would explain. He cleared his throat, still not looking up. “When Bobby did explain, a stupid part of him thought it was for the best. I didn’t try to call him or challenge it; I was just so angry, and I _went_ with it.”

He shook his head. So many nights he’d sat on the couch or laid in bed just _staring_ at Buck’s contact in his phone, willing himself to just press dial. He’d wanted to call Buck so badly sometimes, after a tough shift or a rough call, or when Chris had had a nightmare, or they’d had a sleepless night – but he hadn’t.

“I never realised how much I’d come to rely on him, how much he was _there_ until he wasn’t, and Chris…” Eddie swallowed thickly. “He didn’t understand why Buck wasn’t around anymore and I didn’t know what to tell him.”

“You threw that he hadn’t been there for Chris in his face and when he realised and asked to see him, you said no and then wouldn’t let him near him. He loves Christopher, and he knows he hurt him by disappearing but,” Maddie said pointedly, “you used your son against him to hurt him.”

“I did.”

Eddie couldn’t look at her, knowing that she was right… and he was ashamed. He’d seen the look in Buck’s eyes when he’d brought up Chris in the grocery store, watched his face fall with the guilt of realising that he’d effectively abandoned him and Eddie… Eddie had wanted to hurt Buck. He knew that Buck would instantly want to make it right, but Eddie wanted him to hurt just like Chris had been, so he told him no, and made it clear that he wouldn’t be going near Chris again and the look in Buck’s eyes as he said it? Eddie had wanted to take the words back as soon as they left his mouth, but he’d been too angry and wound up to do it.

“As Chris’ father, you have every right to protect him from people dropping in and out of his life whenever they feel like it,” Maddie said softly… but there was something in her tone that suggested he wasn’t about to like what she was going to say. “But Buck isn’t Shannon, Eddie.”

Eddie froze. How… how could she say that?

“What the fuck.”

Buck wasn’t Shannon? He knew Buck wasn’t Shannon. Buck and Shannon were two completely different people with completely different roles in his and his son’s life… right?

“Buck didn’t intentionally leave Chris. For once, he _fought_ for himself and _thought_ about himself. Do I think he went about it the right way, no, and he doesn’t either, but did he have every right to do it? Yes.” Eddie’s mind was still reeling, too full of his mental comparing of his best friend and dead wife. “He pushed people away and hurt then and he is so sorry for that and he has done nothing but apologise and _you_ are still punishing him for it. _You_ are choosing not to forgive him, because Shannon left, came back, and left again.”

In that moment, as the words left her mouth, Eddie had the horrible realisation that that was exactly why it had hurt so much. Shannon was his wife – Buck was his _partner_. Shannon was Chris’ mom – Buck was his… well, Buck was as close to being his parent as he could be. Eddie’s eyes widened as his heart dropped into his stomach.

“Bucks not Shannon,” he whispered, broken.

“Bucks not Shannon.”

“I used Chris against him, like – like someone might do during a divorce… like how I might have done with Shannon if – if…” he couldn’t – wouldn’t – finish that sentence. He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m a terrible person.”

Maddie shook her head, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You were hurt, but you have to see that Buck was hurting to. Not everything is about you, Eddie.” Eddie’s head snapped up then, and he knew that Buck must have told her everything that had happened that day in the grocery store. “Yeah, he told me.”

Another thing he had regretted saying as soon as he said it, but he’d been too angry to take it back. He needed to make it right. _He_ needed to apologise.

“Christopher has missed Buck like you wouldn’t believe,” he said with a dry laugh. Maddie just nodded. “Draws him a new picture nearly every day and still constantly asked when he can see him again.”

Every day Christopher asks if he can see Buck, if he can call him. Carla and his Abuela (even Pepa, when she wanted to weigh in) had long given up trying to convince him to see reason. Every day he’d tell Christopher no, or he didn’t know, and he’d watch Chris’ face fall all the while knowing that Buck would love to see him.

“I kept him from his best friend because of my own insecurities,” he laughed bitterly. “Chris’ll never forgive me when he finds out the truth.”

“Kids can be surprising,” Maddie said, smiling slightly at him now. “You might want to prepare for him to not want to talk to you for a while though.”

“Carla’s picking up Chris today; he gets out at three.” It was barely gone midday, a quick check of his watch told him. What he was about to do was long overdue, he just hoped it would be welcomed. “Do you – do you think Buck would want to see him?”

“My brother loves that boy,” Maddie pointed out, a little sharply.

“I know he does,” Eddie said softly. “Almost as much as I do, and I know normally he would never turn down an opportunity to spend time with him, especially after not seeing him for so long. I just mean…” he trailed off. After everything that happened today, given what he now knew the day meant to Buck, he didn’t know whether Buck would be emotionally available. “Do you think he’d be up to seeing him _tonight_? I just know he’ll force himself to be alright around Chris and… he shouldn’t have to put anyone before himself after what happened today.”

“In all honesty, I don’t know. I’ll ask him in a few hours and see what he says.” Eddie nodded, refraining from pushing further. Maddie’s phone chimed in her pocket and she whipped it out, sighing when she read what was on the screen. “Athena says he’s already asleep, and that he slept the whole time they were in the car. I better get going.”

Eddie nodded and stood with her. She grabbed Buck’s duffle from the floor and slung the strap over her shoulder. She stopped before she got to the door, turning back to him, giving him a pointed look.

“Look, Eddie, at some point you and Buc are going to have to talk, the same with him and Bobby,” she said. “The fact is, you only really acknowledged him when it was clear he wasn’t okay. You’ve got your own stuff going on and that’s fine but taking that anger out on Buck is not. He took himself to a therapist – a good one – and it’s working for him, maybe you should think about doing the same.”

He’d tried therapy, briefly, when he returned home. It was recommended to him by someone he knew but he hadn’t clicked with the guy he’d seen, stopped going and refused to find someone else… maybe it was time to try it again. He nodded. There was an awkward silence between them.

“He still referred to me as his best friend,” he whispered.

Maddie’s face softened a fraction. “You’re more to him than that, Eddie, and I think he’s more to you to – that’s part of the problem; that’s what’s been fuelling this.”

He wouldn’t look at her. It wasn’t exactly hard to miss his changing feelings for Buck. His heart skipped a beat when he smiled at him. He sometimes shivered when he brushed up close against him… he’d caught himself more than once ogling him when Buck had been working out and openly stared at his ass when he walked away. Buck had started to feel like _home_ , and he’d welcomed it.

Maddie sighed, turning away again. “I’ll let you know what he says – just don’t push for more than he’s willing to give.”

“He’s not exhausting,” he said, willing her to believe him.

Maddie stopped at the door with her hand on the handle. She turned slowly to look at him, shaking her head.

“I’m not the one you need to tell that to, Eddie.”

* * *

Buck had barely looked away from his feet as Maddie and Athena helped him out of the truck, taking care in not letting him keel over. The moment his feet hit the stone floor he had curled in on himself, trying to make himself as small as possible. He had hated how vulnerable he looked, hated that everyone would see him as weak. Maddie had wrapped her arms round his neck, pulling him down enough to place a kiss on his cheek before gently pushing him to Athena, who wrapped an arm round his waist and tugged. He had let Athena guide him out of the firehouse and to her car – not the cruiser, but her own personal car – leading him to the passenger side. It had taken a minute for his legs to co-operate, but he had finally managed to fold himself into the passenger seat, Athena leaning across him to buckle him in. The fact that she had didn’t register with him until the door closed with a soft snap, and he was far too tired to be embarrassed that he’d just been strapped in like a child. He had closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door, falling back into a fitful sleep before Athena even had time to get behind the wheel.

It seemed like time at all had passed before he was being shaken lightly awake, Athena standing at the open passenger door calling his name with a soft and loving smile on her face.

“Wake up, Buckaroo.”

Buck smiled dopily at her, fumbling enough with the belt for her to tut playfully and reach round him to undo it. It took some manoeuvring, but eventually managed to drag his body from the car, trying and failing not to lean too heavily into Athena as she led them up the drive and to the front door. In the blink of an eye Buck was no longer standing on the porch but was just inside the front door with it being closed softly behind him. Athena nudged him lightly.

“Bed or couch?”

Buck knew he could take the guest room (he’d spent the odd night here or there before) but if he didn’t have the option of his own bed, then he didn’t want to be shut in a room on his own. He dropped his head to the side, sighing.

“Couch.”

Athena helped him down the few steps and over to the couch. Buck dropped down, laying on his side instantly and sighing against the cushions, trying to ignore the heat of embarrassment from where Athena was unlacing his boots for him. As she stood and made to move away, Buck threw his hand out, catching her wrist.

“Stay, please?”

Something in his eyes or his voice mist have shown how desperate he was to not be left alone because Athena simply dropped his boots (which he now realised she must have about to put by the door) and nodded.

“Of course.”

Athena sat on the couch next to him, right by his head, placing one of the throw pillows on her lap and gesturing for him to scoot himself closer. He froze briefly, uncertain, but Athena gave him a nod, lifting her arm. He pushed himself up, facing out towards the patio doors and into the back yard with his head on the pillow and closed his eyes, instantly being pulled by the clutches of sleep.

He drifted off with the sensation of Athena running her fingers through his hair

*

Eddie stayed in the locker room, unmoving. Maddie had given him a lot to think about, and she’d been right in everything that she’d said. He’d always known that the Buckley siblings were fiercely protective over each other, and he’d seen first-hand what Buck had been like when Maddie was in danger… but he was now seeing the same in her – Buck was her brother after all.

Eddie scrubbed a hand over his face. He needed to talk to Bobby… there were a few things he needed to clue the Captain into… and something he wanted to ask Bobby himself. He stood, stretching enough to crack his back and made for the door. The floor seemed deserted, and Eddie guessed everyone was still dispersed and working on the tasks Bobby set them. He glanced quickly at the ambulance, but he couldn’t see Hen or Chim. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kept him head down as he headed for the stairs, climbing them slowly. His head lifted of its own accord as he reached the top and heard the low tones of chatter of the loft, finding most of the team sitting round the couches and tables. Hen, Chim and Bobby were standing over by the sink. Everyone looked his way, but no one said anything. He headed straight for the trio.

“Did Maddie leave?” Chimney asked as soon as he stepped up to them.

He nodded. “Yeah, about ten minutes ago. She didn’t come and say goodbye?”

“Uh, no,” Chim said, rubbing the back of his neck. “She’s not entirely happy with me at the moment; I hadn’t exactly been as forthcoming about how Bucks transition back into the team was.”

Eddie nodded in understanding, about to say something but he was cut off by Hen.

“He basically told her everything was fine and normal because he didn’t want her to worry and Buck had asked him not to tell her that he wasn’t exactly welcomed back with open arms.”

Hen’s comment stung, and he wasn’t the only one to hang his head. He cleared his throat, looking up.

“Bobby?” he asked, looking at him.

“Yeah?”

“Can – can I have a word?” he asked, looking between Hen and Chim, refusing to meet their eyes. “In private.”

Bobby nodded, placing the coffee cup he’d been holding next to the sink, gesturing in the direction of his office. “My office.”

Eddie followed Bobby, ignoring the looks Hen and Chim were throwing his way. He ignored the looks he was getting from everyone. He knew that everyone would have now heard Bucks story to some degree, that anyone who hadn’t been there had heard it from someone who had. They looked at him because he was the person who was supposed to know Buck best… because he was his best friend. Great job he’d done of that lately.

He followed Bobby into his office, the man closing the door behind them and gesturing to the seat in front of the desk while he made his way round and sat in his chair. Eddie sat, leaning back with his elbow resting on the arm, fingers pressed into his chin and refusing to meet Bobby’s eyes.

He didn’t know how to start. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, how he was going to say it, but he knew he needed to get it out. He kept going over what Maddie had said, how she compared him losing Shannon to how he’d been treating Buck.

“You okay?”

Eddie looked at Bobby. He could lie, say he was fine, but he knew that it wouldn’t work. _He’d_ been the one to ask Bobby if he could talk to him… and after what had happened that morning, could any of them say they were fine?

He shook his head. “No.”

“Today’s been rough,” Bobby said with a nod. “It’s been tough on everyone.”

Eddie shook his head again, earning himself a frown from Bobby. “I haven’t been okay for a while,” he admitted.

“Shannon?”

Eddie nodded, biting his lip. He needed to tell Bobby the truth, regardless of the ramifications that could come with it. He sighed, fighting the urge to hold his head in his hands and forcing himself to look Bobby dead in the eye.

“I’ve been street fighting.”

Bobby blinked at him. Once, twice, _three times_ before narrowed his eyes.

“You’ve been what?”

Eddie bit his lip again, knowing there was no backing out now. “Lena introduced me to it, as a way of releasing all the pent-up anger at everything; at my parents for trying to take Chris again, at Shannon for coming back and leaving again – I know that’s not her fault and I shouldn’t blame a dead woman, but she was leaving me again before that.”

Bobby stayed silent and Eddie knew that it was so he would continue talking.

“We went to dinner, just the two of us, and I was talking about us being a family again and wanting to move forward but she told me she wasn’t pregnant again and that she wanted a divorce.” Bobby’s eyebrow raised at that. Eddie hadn’t mentioned this to anyone; not to Buck or Abuela or either of his sisters. Saying the words out loud felt like a punch to the chest. “We went from being a family to being nothing in a few seconds and she said she was leaving me and Chris again and I had no idea when she was gonna decide to come back this time.”

Eddie had tears in his eyes that he refused to let fall. Talking about Shannon was always hard, regardless of who he was talking to. Their relationship and his love for her was such a large, very important part of his life. So much happened between them and losing her the way he did, after her coming back into his life – his _and_ Christopher’s lives, shook him more than he could admit. It broke him. He shook his head.

“She died,” he said, voice cracking slightly, and he was glad Bobby made no move to reach for him. “She died and my parents came for the funeral and came at me with the rest of the family around, wanted me to uproot our lives again and move back to Texas with them. I said no, Bobby; I told that that I was still in my probationary year and they said _fine_ , but they wanted to take Chris – without me.”

Bobby’s widened at that, his mouth falling open. Eddie stood abruptly, pacing the length of the office. Bobby let him, not saying a word, knowing he needed to get it out. He ran a hand through his hair.

“I was barely processing the loss of my wife and my parents trying to take my son – _again_ I might add, because they tried to do it before, after Shannon left the first time – when the truck bombing happened and suddenly I weren’t just mourning my wife but on the verge of losing my best friend to.” Tears slipped down his cheeks and he batted them away, his back to Bobby. He missed Bobby flinch at the mention of the truck bombing. “I tried to be there for Buck after but… I was watching him fight so hard and it hurt seeing him in that much pain. He got recertified like it was nothing and I thought that maybe we could all start healing again and… and then almost lost him again.”

He whispered the last words and slumped back down in his vacated chair, holding his head in his hands, taking deep breaths to quell the rising anger at everything. He could break completely. He would never let himself break completely in front of anyone, least of all Bobby, seeing as the man could bench him the moment he felt he couldn’t control his emotions and do his job.

“And then there was every other thing that’s happened in the last few months,” Bobby said softly, and it was in that moment that Eddie realised he _understood_.

Eddie looked at Bobby and found nothing but understanding in his eyes. There was no anger, no judgement… just understanding.

“Chris… Chris started having nightmares a couple of weeks after the tsunami,” Eddie admitted, remembering with a shudder the first time Christopher had woken him up crying out in his sleep. “I was expecting to be honest and I was surprised that they took so long to start. He kept dreaming of a drowning woman and I thought it was someone he’d seen that day – even though I know Buck had tried so hard to shield him from seeing the bodies.”

Chris had admitted to him one night that he’d known what Buck was doing all along, but he didn’t mention it because every time it happened, Buck had gotten sad. Eddie’s heart had broken at that.

“But?” Bobby prompted.

“But it wasn’t someone from that day – he was dreaming about his _mom_ ,” Eddie said, scrubbing a hand over his face. “ _He_ was still processing everything and both traumas just… blended together and then there was no Buck around for him to talk to. The lawsuit happened and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him, so then Chris couldn’t”

That wasn’t technically true. _He_ may not have been able to talk to Buck, but why did that mean Chris couldn’t? There were other ways that Eddie could have gotten in touch with Buck for Chris; he could have asked Carla to do it, or he could have even gone as far as asking Maddie… but he hadn’t.

“Chris was constantly asking for Buck, but I couldn’t call him, and I was so _angry_ that my son was hurting all over again and I was so tired of hurting that I -,”

“Need a way to release it all.”

Eddie swallowed, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his chin on his clenched fists. “Yeah.”

“And street fighting was the way to do that?” Bobby said, unimpressed with a raised eyebrow.

“Not the healthiest – or smartest – way to do it but it worked at the time,” he admitted. He wanted to stop himself from saying the next part, but he knew he had to. “Until I went too far.”

Bobby sat straighter in his chair, going stiff with his eyes narrowed at Eddie.

“Think _very_ carefully about what you say next,” Bobby said sternly, with a sharp look in his eye that could rival Athena’s. “I might be your friend but I’m still your Captain and you’re on duty.”

Eddie gulped and nodded. “I went too far.” Yes, Edmundo, almost killing a guy was _definitely_ too far. “I knew I needed to stop, that it was making me feel worse. I haven’t been for a week.”

Bobby looked at him, scrutinisingly. Eddie felt like a child again being scolded by his middle-school principle (which had happened more times than he’d cared to admit, but he hadn’t liked it when Mr Pickman had picked on the quiet girl in his class).

“You need to talk to someone.” Bobby’s tone left no room for argument, not that Eddie was going to try anyway – he knew he needed to.

“I should have done a long time ago.” Bobby nodded, opening one of the drawers in his desk and pulling out a business card, handing it to Eddie. He took it, not looking at the name before slipping it into his pocket. “Thanks. I don’t know how to fix it.”

Bobby tilted his head to the side. “Buck?

“Yeah,” he said with a nod, looking down. A wave of guilt washed over him again. “I’ve messed up.”

“Me more than anyone.”

Eddie looked at Bobby now, seeing shame and guilt and sadness and every other emotion behind his eyes. Eddie thought back to his conversation with Maddie, and how she’d straight up asked if he’d known Bobby was the reason why Buck hadn’t been allowed back. He _had_ had an inclining, but he’d never questioned it… maybe now was the time to. He cleared his throat, sitting straighter in the chair.

“Can I ask -.”

“Why I stalled him coming back?” Bobby didn’t seem at all surprised that Eddie wanted to know in the slightest… his tone actually suggesting he was expecting it.

Eddie nodded. “Yeah.”

“Buck – Buck throws himself at danger every day, more so than any of you, and he only thinks of what could happen _after_ ,” Bobby said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I have seen that boy in a hospital bed more than I have anyone else and I swear I get more grey hairs every time he’d admitted. I can go around telling people until I was blue in the face that I was doing it for his own good, but I’d be lying.”

Something clicked in Eddie then, and he thought he finally understood why Bobby had done it. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “You did it to protect _you_.”

“I was selfish,” Bobby said sadly with a nod. Eddie swore he saw tears in Bobby’s eyes before they were blinked away. His voice was low when he spoke again, barely a whisper and Eddie had to strain to hear it. “I love him like a son, and I couldn’t stand so see him get hurt anymore.”

“Even though what you were doing was hurting him in the process?” Eddie asked with a frown. He could understand where Bobby was coming from, but he had to have known how hurt Buck would have been when he found out the truth, right?

“I thought – well, I don’t know what I thought.” Bobby ran a hand over his face. “I’d hoped he’d take the time off to slow down, settle a little and take step back, take a break and heal after everything… I never thought he’d file a lawsuit against me after I told him.”

Eddie scoffed. “I don’t think anyone saw that coming to be honest, Cap.”

Bobby shook his head, sighing again. “Athena… was not happy.” Eddie thought he saw Bobby shudder slightly. “She may be my wife, but she wasn’t entirely on my side; she thought Buck was in the right in what he was saying. She’s already told me I’m not expected back in the morning. I’m definitely not on her good side at the moment.”

Eddie winced. “Yeah… I’ve learnt Maddie Buckley is one hell of a woman to go up against today.”

Bobby shot him a sympathetic smile. “Reem you out pretty good, huh? I was kind of expecting her to come after me to.”

“There were a few home truths,” Eddie admitted with a sigh. He looked down at his hands. “I used Chris against him.”

Eddie hated himself for it, ow that he realised what he’d done. Buck loved Chris like he was his own, almost as much as Eddie himself loved him, and Eddie had thrown that in his face.

“And punished Chris for something he had no part of in the process.”

Eddie couldn’t even object, because it was true.

“Maddie’s gonna ask Buck if he wants to see him tonight.”

Bobby frowned. “Think he’ll say yes?”

“Buck would never say no when it come to Chris,” Eddie said, realising just how true that was. “I asked her to make sure he was up for it.”

Bobby nodded but didn’t say anything further. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Eddie unsure whether or not he should get up and leave. The silence of the room was broken by the phone on the desk ringing, making them both jump. They shared a look, both fighting a smile before Bobby answered. The conversation was short and brief. Bobby sighed.

“I should bench you, for what you admitted about the street fighting, and believe me we’ll be touching on that again.” Eddie had the decency to look down, ashamed. “The Chief wants us back online and I’m already a man down, so I really need you to have your head in the game.”

Eddie nodded. “I’m good to go.”

Well, he was a good as he could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By far the hardest chapter yet to write. I found it really hard to write for Eddie this time, and at times (for me, at least) it feels a little jumbled and all over the place?
> 
> ANYWAY! Hope you like it so far. All mistake are mine yada yada (It's like... nearly 2.30am here in the UK and I've read through it twice already)


	4. The Aftermath

_“– all that sneaking around, Evan!”_

_“ – disgusting -,”_

_“ – disgrace to me -,”_

_Falling._

_“ – don’t want him in the house -,”_

_“ – disgusting -,”_

_“ – disgrace to_ us _-,”_

_Falling._

_“ – I don’t want to be here!”_

_“ – come down -,”_

_“– unwanted -,”_

_Falling._

_“– don’t want to do this -,”_

_“– yes I do!”_

_“NO!”_

_Falling._

_Falling._

_Fall-._

Buck woke with a jolt, face squashed into something so soft he felt like he was suffocating with his heart racing and blood pounding to an uneven beat in his ears. For a brief moment, he was confused, not knowing where he was and he flailed as he tried to untangle himself from the blanket that had been tucked round his shoulders while he slept, barely managing to stop himself from face-first off the couch. He laid still, taking in a few deep breaths in effort to calm himself and bring his heart rate back down to normal. He blinked up at the ceiling he now recognised as being Athena and Bobby’s and remembered that Athena had brought him back to theirs after picking him up from the firehouse, insisting that he came home with her rather than go back to his apartment, promising that Maddie would be joining them. She was no longer next to him, nowhere to be seen at this precise moment, and the throw pillow she’d had resting in her lap had now been tossed to the floor. He assumed she must have placed it back under his head once she’d moved, and he’d knocked it off either when he was sleeping or just now in his fit of panic.

His sleep had not been a peaceful one. It may have started out as such (Athena running her fingers through his hair had been relaxing, comforting, and it had helped him settle), but it had quickly become one filled with memories – and not the good kind. _Nightmares._ They’d started off fine. He’d dreamt of his teenage years, of the time where everything was fine, and he could have been considered happy. He’d dreamt as though he was being down a story, a _timeline_ , of his life… but it had quickly morphed into an even more darkened version of the reality. The beating he’d received from his dad had not just been a one-time thing in his nightmare. It had turned into a recurring one, each time being depicted as worse than the one before; until he’d felt paralysed with the fear that he would die. The anger in his dad’s eye as he dealt the final blow would stay with him every time he closed his eyes from then on… even though he knew his brain had exaggerated the truth. The night he’d tried to kill himself at the tender age of seventeen became a mixture of then and what had happened earlier that day. The version of himself in his nightmare become his present-day-self standing on top of his high school roof. He’d jumped in his dream, falling and falling continuously on a never-ending loop until he wasn’t falling anymore. He’d jolted awake as he’d hit the floor, no rescue bags in place to catch him. He’d woken before he’d been able to witness his blood pooling on the floor beneath him.

Buck swung his legs off the couch, with a little difficulty given his ankles were still tangled in the blanket until he was able to kick it off properly. His socked feet rubbed against the rug, toes wiggling of their own accord, as he sat, his entire body stiff and he hissed in pain as he moved, gripping onto the couch cushions. He rubbed at the back of his neck, stretching his back and slowly working out the kinks, wincing as the muscles pulled a little too much from a mixture of hitting the rescue bag and sleeping on the couch rather than an actual bed. He wasn’t sure whether he needed a nice, long soak in the bath or to stand under a hot shower for ten minutes, either one sounded ideal at this point. He spread a hand over the area of his ribs, pressing his palm lighting into the skin, groaning under his breath. There was only a little pain, but still enough to make him kiss and wince, so he guessed they were only lightly bruised from having the weight of Justin land on him. He wouldn’t change it though; he’d rather Justin had fallen on him than gone down alone. He sighed, leaning back into a somewhat comfortable position.

He still felt a little drained and exhausted though he, weirdly, didn’t feel as tired as he did before falling asleep for the third time that day, but he was in no way well-rested or refreshed, though he didn’t find entirely find that surprising. The anniversary had… always been hard for him – the first excruciating if he had to be honest with himself. He’d just been finding his feet, living in the real world by himself and for himself, without his parents there in the background dictating parts of his life. He’d woken up late, way after his alarm the morning of that first year, wondering why he felt heavy and weighted down… until he’d seen the date and proceeded to throw up right in the trashcan beside his desk. He’d… struggled with it. He’d been near catatonic until the clock struck midnight and he’d fond he could breathe again. It had been much the same every year after until the sixth, when he decided to just call in to the bar he was working in at that point, take the day off and spent it in bed, only getting up if he absolutely had to. It had worked better than either trying to get through the day like any other or staring blankly at the wall for twenty-four hours. He’d done the same thing every year since, including last year… and he really wished he’d done the same today; he really regretted not calling in.

He’d dreaded the day ahead regardless, but he never could have imagined the day going the way it had when he’d woken that morning. He never would have imagined being faced with a situation that near mirrored his own (it astounded him how similar his and Justin’s stores were),and he never would have imagined everyone finding out about his decade old secret. ‘You chose to reveal it, Buck’, his brain so helpfully supplied. If he ever intended to tell anyone, the way it came out today was definitely not it.

He threw his head back against the couch, letting it land with a soft ‘thud’ and pressing his back against the cushions. He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. What was going to happen now? Was he going to be looked down on and shunned (even more than he already was)? He was so focused on trying to figure out how to move on from the days events that he almost missed Athena slipping into the room out the corner of his eye. He shouldn’t be surprised that she could stealthily move about her own home without making a sound. She was carrying two steaming mugs, thin strings hanging over the sides and smiled warmly at him when she saw him awake and watching her. She must having noticed him stirring enough to figure he’d be waking soon when she’d disappeared into the kitchen. 

“Hey, Buckaroo,” she said, coming towards him and placing both mugs on the coffee table before slipping onto the couch beside him, instantly running her fingers through his curls. “Tea?”

“Mm, ‘Thena, thanks,” he said as he closed his eyes and unconsciously melted into her side. He couldn’t help himself; she felt warm and _safe._ She chuckled and wrapped her arm round his shoulders, pulling him gently closer to her, he tried not to feel embarrassed as he snuggled down against her side. He blinked, yawning. “How long was I out?”

“Only a couple of hours,” she said, lightly scratching at the base of his neck, playing with the short hairs there. If he was a cat, he’d definitely be purring right now. “Can I get you anything?”

“I’m good,” Buck hummed with a shake of his head. She was already doing more than enough for him; he didn’t want to ask for anything else. All he needed was for her to hold him, and she was already doing that. He glanced round, It had been a long time since he’d last been _in_ her house; the disastrous dinner where Bobby had admitted to being the one holding Buck back from returning to work… he hadn’t even come through the front door when he’d handed Bobby the papers showing his intent to sue. He noted his duffle bag sitting at the end of the couch, and he knew he hadn’t brought it from the firehouse with him. Another quick glance round the room showed him he hadn’t unintentionally ignored his sister’s presence. “Where’s Maddie?”

“In the backyard with May, and Harry’s in his room.”

Buck tensed in her hold. He had no sense of time. Yes, she’d said he’d been asleep for a couple of hours, but what time had they gotten to the house? What time had the team taken the call? What time had he been pulled from the roof? He hadn’t realised he’d been sleeping long enough for her kids to get home from school. He hadn’t realised a good chunk of the day had passed by. He didn’t want either of them to see him like this, neither of them deserved to see him like this… but he also didn’t want to put them out, make them feel like they couldn’t go freely in their own home, that they were being forced to other parts of the house. He made to move, but Athena tightened her hold on him, refusing to let him up.

“Go easy, baby,” she said softly, rubbing soothing circles into his shoulders, keeping his grounded at the same time. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Sorry, I -,”

“Hush now, none of that. You’re not putting anyone out by being here,” she said with a shake of her head as Buck hung his own. It was… natural to feel like he was in the way, that he was imposing and not wanted. He’d felt like that a hell of a lot growing up… and even after he found his way and his calling in life, he still couldn’t help feeling like it. He couldn’t help feeling that way now, not when he felt as though May and Harry were being forced out of their own living room to accommodate him (which he was sure they wasn’t, but his traitorous brain wouldn’t let him believe it)… and that he’d become their mom’s sole focus. He’d never been _his_ mom’s sole focus; how could he accept being Athena’s now? “Harry’s finishing his homework – which he was supposed to finish last night at Michael’s – and May’s asking Maddie about her nursing degree; I think that’s what she might be heading towards.”

Buck had to smile at how proud Athena sounded, and how _real_ it sounded. He knew that May had helped save the life of a woman in the aftermath of the tsunami (it had been the talk amongst him and Maddie as he recovered from it himself), how she had sat in the car with her and applied pressure to the wound on her neck, effectively saving her life. He’d heard from Bobby that the woman had tracked her down and thanked her a few weeks later (after she had been released from hospital and spent time at home recovering), telling May that she was the reason she’d be able to see her children grow.

“She’d be good at it,” he said with a smile, meaning every word he said. “Compassionate.”

“That’s my baby.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, Athena still lightly scratching at his neck. Remembering the drink Athena had made for him, he made to lean forward and grab his mug, hissing at the movement and the pull of his ribs. Athena gave him a stern look and he collapsed back down (carefully as not to aggravate his ribs further). She tutted at him with a shake of her head, though she kept it light and almost playful, but Buck could see the underlying concern that laced her eyes. He probably should have let Hen or Chim give him more than just a quick once over, but he’s just wanted to get away from… get away from where it had happened. She grabbed his drink for him, and her own, settling back against the cushions, handing it over. Buck blew at the steam, taking a small sip, his tastebuds instantly getting hit by the hint of honey. It wasn’t too sweet, just enough to get the taste without being overbearing – just the way he liked it. He smiled, huddling back against the cushions himself, leaning slightly back into her side.

He could see Athena out the corner of his eye, and he knew she wanted to say something. He sighed, waiting. It took longer than he thought it would for her to clear her throat, leaning forward again to place her own mug back on the coffee table.

“You want to talk about it?”

It was a loaded question. He didn’t need to ask to know what _it_ was. He bit his lip, not really anting to answer, but he knew he needed to give her some form of a verbal one. “Do you want me to talk about it?”

“It’s your past, baby,” she said softly with a shake of her head, reaching over and taking his hand, squeezing lightly. “No one else’s.”

Buck blew out a breath, one he hadn’t realised he was holding. He knew she wanted to talk about it, wanted _him_ to talk about it, it was written clear as day on her face… but he was so grateful that she wasn’t trying to force him to, just waited patiently for him to decide what he wanted to do. There was so much to work through, so much to process, and he wasn’t convinced that he wouldn’t completely break down into a sobbing ball of mess if he tried to talk through the last decade or so of his life. Even the mere thought of doing so made him shudder and grit his teeth. He tried to hide it, not wanting to seem weak, but Athena wrapping her arms round his shoulders again and holding him tight once more told him he hadn’t been successful. He wouldn’t even know where to start, wouldn’t know which part to start with. There was just so much shit that had happened in his life…

Buck let himself sink further into Athena’s side, hugging the mug in his hands close to his chest and savouring the warmth it offered. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now. He didn’t know how to move forward and move on from this point. What was expected from him now? Was he supposed to confront everything head on, or could he take minute to gather himself? What he _did_ know though, was that things couldn’t go back to the way they were before. He couldn’t go back to pretending that everything would be fine if he just gave it time. How much more time was he supposed to wait? How much more time was he supposed to _waste_? _Nothing_ was fine, and it wouldn’t be again, that had been made perfectly clear to him. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against Athena’s arm, letting her warmth seep through his skin, and let out a shuddering break, a single tear slipping from beneath his lashes.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, ‘Thena,” he whispered, his voice shaking, and he hated how broken he sounded. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How do I go on from here?”

“Oh, Buckaroo,” Athena said, pulling him tightly to her, letting him bury his head against her chest.

That was all it took for Buck to break, not table to hold it together any longer. He sobbed into her chest as she just held him, rubbing slow circles into his back and whispering that she was there… that she wasn’t going anywhere… that she would always be there for him.

“You don’t have to do anything, Buck,” she assured him, bringing her hand up to run her fingers through his curls again. Her words reverberated through her chest. “You don’t have to do a damn thing other than let me hold you.”

And she did, not letting him go for even a second. She held him until his sobs subsided and the hiccups started, and his eyes and cheeks started to dry. She slowly unwrapped her arms from round him, whispered that she would be back in just a minute and moved away from his side. He trusted that she wouldn’t be long doing whatever it was she was doing – and she wasn’t. Barely two minutes later she was slipping back on the couch, warm washcloth in hands and gently wiped his cheeks until the stiffness eased and all traces of his tears were gone. His breath hitched – he could never remember his own mother doing this for him at any point in his early years. Yes, she’d cleaned and tended to his wounds for him the day his dad had beaten him, but it had always been Maddie cleaning his cuts and scrapes before that. It had been _Maddie_ who was the one to wipe his tears away until he became old enough to do it himself. His mom had not been as gentle as Athena was now. Athena, who was slowly running the washcloth over his skin, still lightly dabbing away at his cheeks, caring for him in the way a mother should, the way _his_ mother should. His mom had been brash and hurried, uncaring other than for the mental state of her husband and not the son he’d just beaten.

Buck sniffed, holding back more tears as he thought about how so very different the two women were, and Athena drew back, placing the washcloth on a spare coaster on the coffee table. Neither said anything, just sat quietly side by side. Nothing needed to be said, their silence saying it all. Buck wasn’t sure how they’d been sitting there when they heard the patio door sliding open, and both looked up as May came in, looking over her shoulder, grinning at something behind her.

“Mom -,” she called, her voice animated, turning and stopping dead at the sight she saw on the couch. Her eyes widened in surprise and Buck felt himself withdrawing slightly, once again worried that he was in the way. “Buck!”

“Hey – hey, May,” he said, trying to smile but he was sure it came out as more of a grimace. He knew it had the moment her face fell slightly. Athena placed her hand lightly on his forearm and he found himself relaxing a little. “Your mom thinks you’ll be heading towards a nursing degree?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” she said slowly, nodding and looking between Buck and Athena. Out the corner of his eye, Buck saw Athena give her daughter the slightest shake of her head. May gave the briefest of nods back, and Buck pretended not to notice the silent exchange. “Since the - since the tsunami, I just want to help people, you know?”

Buck nodded; he could understand that completely. He’d wanted nothing more than to do the same since he was about eighteen years old. It’s why he wanted to be a firefighter, and part of the reason why he was so good at it – all he wanted to do was help people, however they needed it, and why he was so determined to do it. He’d travelled all over the country for a few years prior to trying out for the SEALS, and in each place he’d visited he’d found a way of helping _someone_. He’d volunteered at shelters (animal, homeless, youth – whoever needed someone), offered to help random strangers in the street with the simplest of things. He remembered one time where he’d held the leashes of two dogs while their owner tied the laces of her running shoes. He’d helped anyone in any way he could anytime they needed it. He’d fallen into bartending because the manager of the first place he’d worked at needed someone then and there or he’d had to have closed the place for the night and, naturally, Buck had just up and offered there and then. A crash course in serving later and he was behind the bar listening to person after person telling there story. He had spent the next few years going from place to place, bar to bar.

“There’re all different wats of doing that,” he said, giving her a proper smile now, which she returned with one of her own and an enthusiastic nod. “The medical field could always use a May Grant in their ranks.”

May’s eyes lit up, and it pleased Buck to know he did that. “Thanks, Buck.”

Athena chuckled beside him, her hand moving from his forearm and going back to his hair. He melted against her once more. “You needed something, honey?”

“Is it okay if Maddie stays for dinner?” Buck perked up at the mention of his sister, he’d almost forgotten that she’d been in the backyard with May. “I want to ask her a few more questions and -,”

“The more the merrier, honey,” Athena said with a smile in her voice. Buck detected an undercurrent of amusement. “Just remember you’re the one cooking tonight.”

Buck watched as May’s eyes widened comically and she nodded frantically. Maddie slipped in the door behind her, her eyes landing on Bucks in an instant. She smiled at him, though he could see it didn’t meet her eyes. He gave a small smile back before turning his attention back to May.

“I'll get right on that,” May said, turning to head to the kitchen before she stopped suddenly and spun on her heel to look at them again. “Lasagne okay with you, Buck?”

He loved lasagne, especially if it had been cooked by someone in the Grant-Nash household, but he had next to no appetite and didn’t think he’d be able to manage more than a few bites. He didn’t want to offend her or seem ungrateful though. He pushed himself up, fighting to hide the wince as he did so, and raised an eyebrow at her. “Will there be garlic bread?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Of course.”

“Sounds great,” he said, giving her a small smile.

He watched her bound off into the kitchen and listened out for the sounds of her making a start on dinner. The faint sounds of music wafted through to the living room, and he heard the fridge being opened, May pulling things out and placing them on the counter. Buck sighed and leant back against the couch, closing his eyes. He felt Athena shift in her seat to face him, and he felt Maddie come and sit beside him, taking his hand.

“Hey, baby brother,” she said softly, and he cracked an eye open and saw her smiling at him. “How’re you feeling?”

She brushed his face back before cupping his cheek. He leant into her touch, humming.

“Tired,” he mumbled. He felt as though any energy he’d regained after the couple hours of sleep he got had evaporated. He gave himself a little shake, groaning. “God, I’m exhausted.”

Nothing was aid by any of them, the three of them lapsing into silence. Maddie lightly stroked her thumb against his cheek and Athena was running her fingers through his hair again. If they wasn’t careful and continued their double attack on him, he was liable to fall asleep again right then and there. He wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea if he completely honest with himself, but he didn’t want to seem rude or anti-social by doing so, not that he thought either of them would hold it against him if he did. He was relaxed enough that he could ignore the aches and pains of the day running through his body… but not enough to stop the thoughts from running through his mind. They came unwillingly, unwanted. Every single time he closed his eyes he was back on the roof with Justin that morning, sitting with his legs hanging over the edge, fingers digging into the ledge, and fear coursing through his veins. The moment he’d left the safety of the stairwell and stepped up to Justin, there had been an intense buzzing under his skin, one that wouldn’t go away, a warning that something would go wrong, and he’d tried his best to ignore it. He’s been able to push it away when he’d been talking, reduce it to more of a hum that was barely existent, but it had made itself more pronounced in the silences. Buck had gone against his gut the moment Justin had turned to him, eyes wet with tears and refused to move from the ledge. He’d ignored every fibre of his being that told him it was a bad idea as he’d walked closer to Justin and eventually taken a seat right next to him.

Being on the ledge… it had scared him more than he liked to admit. Frankly – it had terrified him. It was not the first time he’d been on one, nor the first time he’d been atop of _something_ but… it was the first time since he’d stood on the roof of his high school that he wasn’t anchored by something or by someone. There had been _nothing_ to prevent him from falling.

“What’s going through that head of yours, Evan?”

Maddie’s voice was soft as she tapped lightly against his cheek, drawing his attention to her. He blinked his eyes open sluggishly and taking his time to focus on her. He didn’t maintain eye contact for long; staring down at his lap and picked at an imaginary piece of thread on his pants.

“I -,” he said slowly, keeping his gaze down and not wanting to see the looks on either of their faces. “I didn’t want to take the express route today.”

He _really_ hadn’t wanted to.

“We know, Buck,” Athena said reassuringly, running her hand down his arm. Maddie stayed quiet, and he knew it was so Athena could take the lead given as she’d been the one there to witness it.

Buck bit his lip, contemplating his options. As much as he didn’t want to talk about what had happened, wanted to ignore it and try to pretend it hadn’t, he knew he would have to at some point.. and if it was going to be with anyone, why not the two women sitting beside him? He sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face.

“I don’t like the feeling of freefalling,” he admitted with a frown. It sounded strange coming out of his mouth, but as soon as it had, he realised how much that statement was true. A quick glance to either side of him and he found Athena and Maddie both shooting him looks of confusion, and he could understand why. It was an unexpected revelation.

“Aren’t rope rescues one of your favourite things?” Athena asked, ever so slightly amused, eyebrow raised. “Lord knows I’ve watched you do enough of them since I met you. You know I first met him after he came down from an eleventh story window with not one, but _two_ five-year-olds strapped to his chest?”

Maddie’s answering laugh faded away as he disappeared into his own head. He was one of the best the department had on the rope, and that was not only coming from the trainers at the academy and the Captains of other stations that they’d worked with in passing, not just Bobby, though it always meant more when it did come from him. It was always him they looked to first, and it was always him harnessed in with a warning to be careful. Even if they’d be assisting another house, and one of their guys was willing to do it, it was always passed to him – and he loved it.

“Weird I know,” he finally admitted, frowning again. Maddie had stopped laughing now, and both women were listening to him intently. “Being attached to a rope is different though; knowing I’m attached, anchored, and the rope will catch me if I slip or fall is… grounding.”

He’d been utterly terrified at first, when he’d been halfway through training and he’d had to propel down the side of the building. Everyone had been warned in advance that they’d be working on rope rescue and Buck had just automatically assumed he’d be fine – he was wrong. He’d been so scared on the first go round he’d lost his footing on the way down and slipped… though rather than hitting the floor like he’d expected, he’d felt the sharp pull of his harness, the strain of the rope and the fact that he was then swinging freely in the air. He’d stared at the rope in wonder, long enough for the training instructor to call up and ask if he was okay. He remembered shakily calling back that his was fine and planting his feet against the wall, pushing off and forcing himself to carry on as if nothing had happened. Feet safely back on solid ground and he’d just stared at rope before laughing and asking to go again… and he had. He’d gone once, twice… so many more time until he was confident in the fact that if he ever was to slip again, the rope would catch him, and he would be fine.

He pulled himself from his thoughts and looked at Maddie, finding tears in her eyes. She nodded. “I think I can understand.”

He’d never spoke much about his time in the academy to anyone, there hadn’t ever really been the need to, and it felt a little strange doing so now. He hadn’t had anyone there for him while he went through it. Sure, he had his roommates, but they never took that much of an interest unless it was him paying his portion of the rent or his turn to buy groceries. Maybe one day he and Maddie could sit down together and he’d tell her all about it.

“What happened today, the way it ended,” Athena said, forcing him to look at her with a finger hooked under his chin when he point blank refused, “was _not_ your fault in anyway.”

“I know that,” he said in earnest, but seeing instantly in her eyes that she didn’t quite believe him. As much self-doubt as he had, he honestly did believe it wasn’t his fault, though that didn’t stop the guilt of not being able to stop it creeping in. “I was trying to help, to do my job and it _was_ working.”

Buck had no concept of time and had idea how long he’d been up there on the roof with Justin; it could have been as short as ten minutes or as long as an hour, he just didn’t know… to him though, it had felt like a lifetime.

“He said he didn’t want to jump anymore. He was going to come down with me,” Buck whispered, his voice breaking halfway through. He allowed himself to think back to what had transpired in his time on the rooftop, remembering what had happened once Justin had taken his hand and let himself be hauled to his feet by Buck. He laughed bitterly at what had happened next. “Then he heard his dad shouting and it all went to shit.”

“That it certainly did,” Athena agreed with a huff, though Buck could hear the undercurrent of anger, shaking her head. She run her hand over his shoulders, squeezing gently, almost massaging the anger out. “I was not the only one that had a word with him about that; everyone had something to say.”

Buck frowned at that; he didn’t remember hearing Athena – or anyone else in fact – at the scene speaking to Justin’s father. It must have either happened while the man had been shouting whilst Buck and Justin had been up on the roof, or right after they hit the bag and Justin had been pulled off him and moved away. It did occur to him, though, that Athena _had_ stayed behind at the scene… maybe she’d had a word with him then. He didn’t want to think too much about what had been said to the man, he tried not to care… he just hoped not much had been said to Justin.

“I know I wasn’t there today, Evan,” Maddie said, her voice soft and soothing as she shifted next to him on the couch, somehow managing to move even closer to him without sitting on his lap. He was glad she hadn’t been there. He was glad she hadn’t seen the outcome. She reached for his hand, running her thumb over his knuckles as she spoke. “I’ve heard what happened from both Chimney and Athena and baby brother, I’m so proud of you.”

He could hear the sincerity in her voice and knew that she was being genuine, but that didn’t stop him from shaking his head and biting down hard on his lip to keep himself from saying something he might regret.

“Nothing to be proud of,” he mumbled, another thing he believed. Why should they?

“There is _everything_ to be proud of, baby,” Athena said, once again forcing Buck to look at her when he wouldn’t do it of his own accord. She was using her ‘mom’ voice, a tone Buck had heard her use many times with May and Harry, and occasionally with kids she encountered when he saw her on their joint calls… it gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It was something he never got from his own mother and it was something he was ashamed to admit he craved. “It takes a hell of a lot of courage to able to open up the way you did; you have no idea how strong you were today.”

Athena’s voice shook slightly with pure emotion as she spoke. If it was anyone else sitting beside her, they wouldn’t have been able to hear or notice it, but with how well Buck knew her, he heard it. He turned slowly to face her, seeing tears in her eyes that she stubbornly refused to let fall. Like with Maddie saying she was proud of him, Buck knew Athena was being genuine with the words she spoke, and it warmed him knowing she felt like that, it didn’t change anything. He didn’t feel strong. He didn’t feel strong in the slightest. He hadn’t been strong a decade ago.

“Do -,” he cut himself off, swallowing, looking away and staring down at his hands again. “Don’t you think any less of me?”

There was a hitch in both Athena and Maddie’s breathing as he asked, and he hated that his need for reassurance and affirmation caused it. A quick glance at Athena and he saw her shaking her head, a tear breaking free that she wiped away quickly with the back of her hand before he really registered that it was there

“No, baby, I don’t, and I never could,” she said, so softly it almost hurt for him to hear, each word begging to be listened to and believed. “Do you think I think any less of May?”

Buck’s eyes widened, and he was suddenly hit full in the face by the reminder that May had tried to kill herself a couple of years ago. How could he had forgotten, not considered?

“Shit, ‘Thena,” he spluttered, a rising sense of guilt for making her possibly relive it building up within him. “I -,”

She cut him off with both hands placed on his cheeks, shaking her head again. She quickly placed a kiss to his forehead before forcing him to look directly at her. “You’re still ‘Buck’ to me, baby,” she said with a smile. “The same brave, sometimes ‘I could kick your ass if you don’t shut up’, genuine, kind, _Buck_ who I love as if you were my own.”

Buck whimpered at her admission; she’d never said it before, and he’d never let himself believe she’d felt that way about him. Buck was so stunned by the sincerity of Athena’s words. A self-deprecating part of him wanted to push her away, to tell her she was wrong for thinking such things about him; his insecurities not allowing him to believe her words to be true. He wanted to tell her she’d made a mistake and he wasn’t deserving of her kind words. This was _Athena_ though, he tried to reason with himself; she wouldn’t lie just to make him feel better – that wasn’t the type of person she was - she said it straight or not at all and used that mantra for everything.

Buck frowned, looking down at his hands again. It wasn’t just his suicide attempt at seventeen that he was worried about her – and everyone else – knowing about though. There was the small matter of his sexuality he was concerned with everyone being privy to… his _hidden_ sexuality. He _wasn’t_ ashamed – he hadn’t lying when he’d told Justin he wasn’t – it had always just been easier to _not_ say it. It was _his_ and his only… but he couldn’t be hurt if people didn’t know.

He looked at Athena, his eyes wide with trepidation, his voice small and quiet. “I’m bisexual, ‘Thena.”

“You really think that matters to me, Buck?” she said tutting, her eyebrow raised up high. “My best friend is a lesbian, and I was married to a gay man.”

Buck couldn’t help the snort that rose up the back of his throat, and even though he slapped a hand over his mouth to smother the sound, he couldn’t stop the giggle that broke free and followed. He looked up in horror, fully believing that he would have offended her, but he found her chuckling instead and a quick look at Maddie found her fighting her own smile behind a balled-up fist. The three of them glanced at each other, Bucks eyes dancing between the two women, and within a second they were all curled in on themselves laughing, shooting looks towards the kitchen and hoping May didn’t come flying back in demanding to know what was going on. Buck didn’t think he had it in him to explain if she did, and another quick look at the other two told him they didn’t either.

Their laughter subsided after a minute or two, though Athena and Maddie were still chuckling lightly under their breaths, but Buck was left staring down at his hands, absently picking at the skin of his fingers as the only way to rid himself of the sudden build-up of nervous energy. He sobered up; the moment was gone, and his thoughts were instantly drawn back to his worry of what others would think of him. How he was perceived by the others was always at the forefront of his mind. He couldn’t help it. He’d always needed praise and assurance, always needing to be noticed. Thanks mom and dad, he thought bitterly.

“You think it’ll matter to them?” he asked timidly, his voice small. He didn’t need to clarify who _them_ was.

“No, Buck,” Athena said, her voice firm without a hint of doubt in her words. “It won’t.”

He didn’t quite believe that, _couldn’t_ believe her. It was a couple of pretty big things he’d kept secret and hidden from the people who were supposed to be his family – the kind of things that, maybe, they’d be expected to know. As far as they had all known, he was an open book, honest when asked and forthcoming when he didn’t particularly need to be… just not when it came to _that._ After the last couple of months, he doesn’t see how they _wouldn’t_.

“I kept it from them – all of them,” he said, refusing to look up and meet either of their eyes. He shouldn’t feel guilty, and he knows he shouldn’t, but he _did._ “I hid it.”

“Evan, they can’t be mad or think any less of you for keeping something so private and personal to yourself,” Maddie said in earnest, covering his hands with one of her own. He knows she’s right, but that didn’t mean he would start believing it anytime soon. “You are _never_ under any obligation to _ever_ tell someone something until you feel comfortable to do so, and I know you only did it today because you felt like the situation called for it. Them knowing now won’t change the way they see you; it would make them terrible people if they did.”

Buck wanted to believe her, he really did, and in the very back of his mind he knew her words to be true. While he knew Athena saw him no different as she did before, and he did believe that Hen wouldn’t either… he didn’t think the same when it came to the others. It wasn’t just his sexuality to be considered though, and logically, he knew _that_ wouldn’t be an issue for them. He wasn’t too sure about Chim if he was being honest… but Bobby and Eddie…

“I tried to kill myself when I was seventeen, Maddie,” he said, and it came out a little harsher than he thought it would, given how she flinched slightly as he spoke. At that moment though, he found himself unable to feel bad about it. “How can they not see me differently for that?”

He knew they would. They wouldn’t judge him for it (none of them ever judged someone who tried to commit suicide) but they _would_ see him differently because of their personal connection to him. _That’s_ what made it different. It shouldn’t, but it would.

“It’s _your_ past, Buck,” Athena said, taking one of his hands from Maddie’s hold, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles. _His_ past or not, he’d opened it up for them all. “It was so long ago -,”

“Ten years,” he mumbled. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe how long ago it was… but sometimes it didn’t feel that long at all. He sniffed, trying not to cry again. He’d cried enough today already; he didn’t know how he could have any tears left.

“No one has the right to be mad at your for that,” Maddie said, and he could hear the tears in her voice without having to look at her. She tried to keep her voice steady, but it quivered slightly as she spoke. “No one should ever be mad about that.”

“Our dad would be if he knew.”

If Philip Buckley ever knew his son had tried to commit suicide, well… Buck didn’t like to think.

“And I’d love to send a firing squad straight his way. Just say the word.”

Buck looked up at Athena as her voice shook slightly with anger, finding her eyes filled with fire. She tried to give him a smile, but it was tight and strained, and Buck knew it wasn’t _because_ of him, but because of what she’d learnt _from_ him earlier in the day. She’d been right by his side as he’d spoken, and not left it once as he revealed his past. He shouldn’t be surprised; Athena was fiercely protective of the people she loved no matter who they were – she’d gone after the girl who had made May’s life hell herself when no one else would do anything and had done so without much concern for herself or her job, and she’d done everything she could to find Maddie when she’d been taken by Doug because Maddie had mattered to _him_. Warmth spread through him at the realisation that she would do the same for him, because she loved him. Ignoring the pain in his ribs, he curled into her side as much as he could, making himself as small as he could. Athena instantly wrapped her arms round his shoulders and held him close.

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, sniffling.

Maddie silently shifted from her place on the couch and dropped to her knees in front of them, gaze dancing between him and Athena. She still held his hand, squeezing it lightly. He squeezed back. She bit her lip, and he knew she wanted to say something that she herself knew he wouldn’t like.

“I think you should take some time off,” she said softly, holding up her free hand placatingly when he huffed. “I know you won’t, Evan, it’s just my opinion that you should.”

“After how hard I fought to come back – I can’t take time off,” he said with a furious shake of his head, frustration washing over him. He could understand where she was coming from (if it were the other wat round and their roles were reversed, he’d be advising the exact same thing), and he knew she really did mean well… but he just could not entertain the idea of taking time off. He hadn’t taken today off, had he, and it was one day he really should of (and he would of, if things had been different). Taking time off now… it would defeat the purpose. “I ruined everything to come back, Maddie; it’ll all be for nothing if I do.”

“You haven’t ruined anything, Buck,” she said with a shake of her head, her voice willing him to believe her.

“I’ve been back a month, Mads. A _month_ ,” he said, almost defeated. Nothing was the same, the atmosphere constantly tense and not a day went by where there wasn’t a dirty look thrown his way. He shook his head and bit his lip, looking past her and out at the backyard, his eyes glazing over. Everything _was_ ruined… but could he really continue to put himself through it all? Could he really keep carrying on hoping things would go back to the way they were before but knowing that they wouldn’t? “Hen’s the only one that treats me the same as she did before. Chim only really bothers with me for your benefit and Bobby and Eddie… let’s just say there’s no going back there.”

Athena squeezed his shoulders as Maddie squeezed his hand. “I think they’ve both seen where they’ve gone wrong after today, and as for Chim,” Maddie said, pursing her lips. She did not look impressed, and if Buck was in a better mood, he would have sniggered at the impending ‘Madeline Buckley Lecture’ Chim was going to be subjected to… those things were lethal, and he’d been on the receiving end more times than he’d like to admit. “I’ll be having words with him – again.”

“And I’ll be having words with that husband of mine,” Athena said, equally as unimpressed, a glint in her eye. “Lord knows that man has it coming.”

Buck wanted to feel bad but he just… didn’t. He just wanted to stop feeling. He wanted to be happy again. He wanted to laugh and to smile and stop spending his days trying to please others. He wanted to feel normal and not like he was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid that one wrong word and everything would come crashing down again. He didn’t want what he currently had anymore.

“Mom,” May called, and all three of them jumped slightly, all seemingly having forgotten they weren’t actually alone in the house. “Can you come and help me in here for a sec?”

Athena hugged Buck tight again before releasing him and easing out from his side and off the couch. “I’ll be right back,” she assured him, her hand on his cheek, before disappearing off to check on her daughter.

Buck and Maddie watched her go, and neither of them moved. Maddie did shift slightly to fold her legs more comfortably under her but didn’t make to move back next to him. Buck figured it was because she had a better view of his face from there, and he didn’t try to hide it from her. He continued to look out towards the backyard, but his eyes were still glazed over. Everything that had been said since he’d woken up on the couch circled the forefront of his mind. There was too much for him to think about, and it was all becoming jumbled. It made his head hurt. He bit his lip, sucking in a breath.

“Have you thought about calling Elizabeth?” Maddie asked tentatively, her voice pulling him sharply from his thoughts. He _hadn’t_ if he was honest, and he was surprised the thought hadn’t crossed his mind before now. He’d been too caught up in the events of the day to consider talking to his therapist… though it made perfect sense to do so. He shook his head. “I know you have an appointment with her next week but -,”

“She usually leaves an hour free after her last patient of the day to take calls,” he said quietly. He checked his watch, finding it was close to the end of her working day. He bit his lip again. “She should be free in the next twenty minutes or so for me to try.”

“What are you thinking?”

Her simple question shouldn’t have thrown him for a loop, but it did. What _wasn’t_ he thinking? He was thinking about everything all at once but what was the thing that was standing out to him?

“I think that maybe you’re right, and I should step away for a bit,” he said slowly. He surprised himself as much as he was surprising her. He’d been so dead set on not taking time off less than five minutes ago, yet now he was really considering it as an option. For the first time though, if he did, he’d been doing it of his own accord. It would be _his_ decision. It wouldn’t be because he was injured or recovering, and it wouldn’t be because someone else thought it was in his best interest. Yes, Maddie had brought the idea up, but it was only a suggestion and would be up to him at the end of the day… and he really was considering it. He frowned, eyes moving from the backyard to his sister, his voice crackling slightly as he spoke. “I’m not happy anymore, Mads, and I don’t think I have been for a while.”

“See what Elizabeth suggests,” Maddie nodded, her grip on his hand tightening. She was silent for a minute before her eyes widened and her face brightened. “I know what might make you happy.”

He scoffed. “Oh yeah?” He didn’t think anything could make him happy right now.

“Yeah,” she said, now with a knowing smile. “How about a visit from a certain little curly-haired boy?”

He was wrong, there _was_ something – _someone_ – that could bring the light on the darkest of days. A little boy with a never fading smile, who never failed to make _him_ smile. A boy he hadn’t seen in so long. His eyes widened, a grin spreading across his face of its own accord. “I can see Chris?” he asked, and Maddie nodded, grinning along with him. “How – why – how?”

He was so happy he could burst, but he was so confused at the turnaround.

“I spoke to Eddie while I was getting your things from your locker – he still has a key to it by the way,” Maddie said. Buck assumed he had, or had thrown it away at some point, but he didn’t dwell on that. He wanted to ask Maddie what she’d said to Eddie, but he was too focused on the fact that he was finally going to be able to see Christopher for the first time in months… and _that_ had to be his only focus right now. He had to focus on the _good_ , on the _positive_. He pushed himself up, staring intently at Maddie, and she laughed at his eagerness before she turned serious, patting his knee. “He’s made a few realisations, and I won’t go into them now. He realised that keeping you and Christopher apart was punishing him as much as it was you. He said that, if you were up to it, he would have Carla bring Chris here after school -,”

Up to it or not, he would never pass up the chance to spend time with Christopher, not after not seeing him for so long. He grinned wide at her, almost bouncing in his seat. “Really?”

“Really,” Maddie said, nodding with a grin of her own.

“I can see him?”

Buck tried to ignored the way Maddie’s face fell slightly at the desperation he couldn’t keep out of his voice. She smiled sadly at him now. “Yeah, Buck, you can.”

It was like the black cloud hanging over his head was giving him a respite, clearing enough for him to find the smallest glimpse of happiness. _He was going to see Chris!_ Christopher who he loved like his own. He smiled bright, pushing himself up and off the couch, holding his hand out for Maddie to take, pulling her up and along with him when she did. He all but ran to the kitchen, dragging a laughing Maddie behind him. Athena and May, who were standing at the stove, jumped at their sudden appearance. Athena was instantly on alert, checking their surroundings, her shoulders tense.

“What’s wrong?”

“Athena,” he said, almost singing her name, releasing Maddie’s hand and bounding over to her, wrapping her in a hug. “Can Chris come round?”

The tension in her shoulders dropped as she let out a sigh and he felt Athena nod and unwrapped his arms from her, finding her looking a little perplexed. “Of course he can.”

He grinned then, just about stopping himself from punching the air, much to the amusement of the three women around him (May had paused her cooking to watch him. “Thank you,” he said, giving her another quick hug before turning to Maddie. She had her hands clasped together, held to her face to hid her smile. He gave her a brief nod, hoping that she would understand that he wanted her to give Eddie the okay without having to say it. She nodded back and pulled her phone from her back pocket, instantly typing away.

“No need to thank me, Buckaroo,” Athena said, patting his arm before turning back to the stovetop, pointing to one of the seasoning jars for May to grab. “Harry will be pleased to see him to.”

Nerves started to kick in a little then. It had been so long since he last saw Chris, he wasn’t sure how their reunion was going to go… he was glad he wouldn’t be alone when it did. He’d gone from being a near constant presence in Christopher’s life to not being there at all, who knew how he would react to seeing Buck again. Maddie’s phone pinged and he looked up at her as she read the message. She gave him a nod and he let out a bated breath. He couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , back out now. He looked at his watch now, seeing that he had little under ten minutes before he knew his therapist would be available to take his call… and he knew he’d need a little time to prepare himself for it. There was so much he needed to say, to ask, and he could use those ten minutes to make a prioritised list. He shuffled his feet slightly.

“I – uh,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have to make a phone call.”

“Go ahead, baby,” Athena said softly, making a shooing motion with her hand. “We’ll be here when you’re done.”

He nodded. He passed Maddie on his way out to the backyard, giving her a kiss on the cheek as he did so. He slid the door closed behind him for privacy, not that he thought anyone would follow him out to listen, before taking a seat on one of the loungers on the deck. There was a gentle afternoon breeze cutting through the LA heat and he breathed deeply (regretting it in an instant as his ribs smarted). Buck closed his eyes, allowing a couple of minutes to just _be_.

* * *

The trio of women watched Buck as he walked away, the slightest hint of a spring in his step. The moment he was through the door, May returned her attention back to the saucepan on the stovetop while Athena moved to stand next to Maddie, placing a hand on her shoulder. Maddie jumped slightly at the contact, having ben too focused on watching Buck lower himself on to one of the loungers on the deck to notice Athena had sidled up beside her. She chuckled at Maddie as she placed a hand to her chest, shooting Athena a sheepish smile. She waved Maddie off, looking between her and out the window to where she could just about make out the back of Bucks head over the top of the lounger he was sitting in. Her heart broke for him.

Athena hadn’t been lying when she’d told him she loved him like her own. She wasn’t sure when he’d become like a son to her, but he had, and she loved him like she did May and Harry. She’d sat with his head in her lap for hours as he slept, wishing she were able to take his pain away. She’d learnt so much about Buck today, she didn’t think there was anything else she could… though she wouldn’t be surprised if she did. She’d suspected (once she’d gotten to know him) that he had very little, and a very strained, relationship with his parents (the look on his face when he realised he’d have to call them after Maddie’s kidnapping had left something unsettling in the pit of her stomach and she’d taken that responsibility from him without leaving room for argument). He never mentioned them (neither did Maddie, now that she thought about it), he steered any and all conversation that could possibly lead to them away and Athena sure as hell never saw them any of the times he’d been admitted to hospital. She remembered after the truck-bombing Bobby asking Maddie if he should call them, but Maddie had just shaken her head, saying that there was no point. At the time, Athena had found it stranger, but the flurry of chaos that had followed Bucks surgeon talking about the possibility of amputation had driven it from her mind.

Until Buck had sat curled into her side on the couch asking from reassurance, she never realised how insecure he was.

She had, they _all_ had, noticed how Buck always craved praise and acceptance – and now she knew why; he’d never gotten it before. She had guessed before that he had issues with being abandoned (that revelation had reared its ugly head the first time they’d actively worked a call together, with the baby who had been flushed down the toilet by its teenaged mother). She’d been there for the fallout when Abby had left, and again when Buck had finally realised that she wasn’t come back. She’d seen the aftermath of Ali leaving, but Buck hadn’t let it show – he’d thrown himself into his recovery and rehabilitation. She would never forget the hurt she’d seen in his eyes when Bobby had admitted that he was the one holding Buck back. She’d wanted to reassure him then and there that it was only out of concern for his health and well-being, but she hadn’t. She watched him walk out of her house, utterly betrayed and knew now that he felt he was being left behind, abandoned, by yet another person who was supposed to love him. She should have done more to show him he _was_ loved, but she’d relied instead on Bobby to make things right… and it had gotten out of hand from there.

She pulled her gaze away from Buck, who was no sitting straighter with his phone pressed to his ear and squeezed Maddie’s shoulder gently.

“Coffee?” she asked.

Maddie tore her own gaze away from her brother and sighed. “Please.”

A couple of minutes later they were both sitting at the dining table, steaming mugs in front of them as Athena called out helpful instructions to May. It was only when her daughter asked if Christopher would want extra green peppers in the side salad lie last time that Athena remembered the young boy would be joining them. She’d momentarily forgotten while caught up in her own thoughts. She told May to out them in anyway, and that he could pick them out if he doesn’t want them before turning her attention to the woman sitting across from her.

“So,” she said, tapping the side of her mug and looking at Maddie with a raised eyebrow. “Eddie’s finally letting him see Christopher – that’s a turn around.”

The incident in the grocery store was no secret, even if she did only hear about it from Hen rather than Bobby. It was said in passing that Eddie was refusing to let Buck see Christopher, and as much as Athena knew how that would upset Buck, the parent in her could understand the reasoning why. Buck had, essentially, cut himself off from the young boy and he hadn’t realised. Athena knew how devastated he had been when he _did_ ; Hen had been very vocal about it, but Athena knew that Eddie had still continued to refuse to let Buck see him, even after he’d apologised over and over… and Athena couldn’t help but wonder if Eddie was doing it out of spite.

Maddie nodded, throwing a look to the backyard to make sure Buck wasn’t about to come walking back in. “I’ve sent him a message letting him know Buck’s up for it; he’s going to call Carla and tell her the change of plans.”

Athena hummed, taking a sip of her drink. “You have something to do with that?”

Maddie shot another look to the door. “We spoke, after you and Buck left,” she said with a sigh, and Athena could tell the day’s events were taking a toll on her. “He admitted to using Chris against Buck to hurt him.”

Athena sucked in a breath. She had been right.

“I also made him realise he had been comparing Buck to Shannon.”

That… was not something Athena had considered before. “He has?”

Maddie nodded, taking a sip of her own drink. “Shannon left.”

“Shannon _died_.”

“Yes,” Maddie sighed, shaking her head. “You really telling me you haven’t noticed those two dancing around each other for months?”

“They’ve barely spoken in the last couple of months,” Athena pointed out with a frown.

“Before that.”

Athena took a moment to think about it. She knew there had been some tension when Eddie first started, but it had cleared up within a few shifts. The more she thought about it, the two _had_ been close. Buck had gone out of his way to help Eddie with Christopher the moment he knew he needed it, and Eddie had integrated Buck into his and his son’s lives without a second thought. Even when his estranged wife – Christopher’s _mom_ – had come back he’d turned to Buck first. There were… _moments_ … now that she thought about it, and given what she now knew about Buck, it started to fall into place and make sense. Her eyes widened.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Maddie said, chuckling. “The feelings mutual, trust me.”

“ _Oh_.” Athena leant back in her chair. “Well that explains a lot.”

Maddie snorted and suddenly they were both laughing. They were still laughing when May joined them, sitting at the head of the table, hands hidden under the table as she looked curiously between the two of them.

“Something happened with Buck today, didn’t it?” she asked quietly, and her question sobered the two of them up. They looked to each other as May continued. “That’s why he was asleep on the couch when dad brought us home. You should have still been at work and I know Buck was supposed to be working to.”

Athena looked to Maddie, who gave a small nod, letting her know that she should tell her. Athena placed her hand on the table, palm up, waiting for May to take it. When she did, Athena gave her daughter a tight smile. “There was an incident when they responded to a call. It hit a little too close to home.”

May frowned at that. “Does it have anything to do with why Buck hasn’t been around, why he was suing Bobby?” she asked quietly.

Athena wasn’t surprised May knew. They hadn’t told the kids what was going on; they had said there was a disagreement between Buck and Bobby when they’d asked why things were so tense, and why Buck hadn’t been round for dinner, or why he hadn’t come to the team barbeques. If either of her children were to have figured out what was going on, she would have pegged it to be May.

Athena shook her head, giving May’s hand a squeeze. “Not directly, but he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to stay at work, so I brought him home with me.”

Maddie held out her own hand for May to take, and she did. “Things from Buck’s past were brought up, something from when he was a teenager that he hadn’t spoken to the team about.”

“Did – did he try to kill himself to?” May asked, looking down. Athena wasn’t the only one that tensed. She couldn’t be sure, but she suspected Maddie hadn’t known that about May. “I heard you say my name and it just kind of made sense.”

Athena watched as Maddie teared up, gripping May’s hand a little tighter, nodding. “When Buck was seventeen, he tried to jump off the roof to his high school.” May sucked in a breath, closing her eyes. “He was stopped, but todays the tenth anniversary of that happening.”

A tear slipped from beneath May’s lashes and Athena released her hand to wipe it away. She knew the news would affect May, and not just because the nature of it – but because May had gotten close to Buck. Since her relationship with Bobby had blossomed, meals with his team had become a thing. She’d go to the firehouse for lunch (breakfast or dinner to, depending on the time of day), and sometimes the kids would join them if they weren’t at school or weren’t with Michael. Buck had struck up conversation with both of her children, determined to not leave them out while the adults talked, and both taken to him. After the bombing, May had joined her when she’d dropped in on Buck during his recovery. While she would busy herself with putting the meals she and Bobby had prepared for him away, May would sit with Buck and tell him about school, her friends and all the latest trends. They’d struck up a real friendship. Athena knew that May had often texted Buck for help with homework... though whether that had continued in the last few months she didn’t know. Athena ran her thumb over May’s cheek.

“I responded to a call and the one-eighteen was called in as back-up. A seventeen-year-old boy was threatening to jump because his family found out he was gay, and they were less than supportive.” Her voice was a little shaky to her own ears and she wondered briefly if the other two could hear it. “Buck was the one that went on the roof and tried to talk him down.”

May’s eyes flew open. “Tried?”

Athena nodded. “He was getting through to him and they were about to come down,” she said before pausing. She remembered the rage she’d felt as Justin’s father started screaming at his son to come down, ignoring all of them as they tried to stop him. She’d called a couple of officers over as soon as he’d started, ordering them to remove him from the scene but it hadn’t worked… he’d just kept shouting. “His dad turned up and…”

Athena had watched in horror as Buck was pulled from the roof, her heart thumping hard against her chest and a scream ripping from her throat. She’d watched in slow motion as Buck pulled Justin close to him, wrapping as much of his body round him as he could.. protecting the boy the only way he could. When they’d hit the bag, Justin fighting to get up, crying out his apologies and Buck hadn’t moved…

“He jumped?”

May’s quiet voice broke through the fog of Athena’s thoughts. May looked… distraught.

“No,” Athena said instantly, shaking her head. “There was a struggle, he slipped and…”

Athena couldn’t finish, her voice getting caught in the back of her throat. Watching it had been one thing, having to tell her daughter? Athena couldn’t do that.

“He took Buck down with him.”

Maddie’s voice was soft, but Athena could tell she was holding a lot back, how could she not? Maddie may not have been there, but Athena had spoken to her at length about what had happened when she’d arrived with Buck’s things. They’d knelt together in front of the couch where Buck slept, Maddie running her fingers through the curls Athena rarely saw him keep free. Buck had slept through the entire conversation, barely stirring as the two of them had cried through Athena’s retelling. Athena had been honest, not sugar-coating anything. Buck had said, hadn’t he, that Maddie was the only one that knew everything – and Athena didn’t see any problem in telling her the truth. Maddie had told her that Chimney had filled her in to, but he _had_ sugar-coated it, and she valued Athena’s honesty.

“Buck fell?” May whispered.

“He did, but he’d fine physically,” she assured. She knew that he had bruised ribs – it was a given even if she hadn’t seen him wince and heard him hiss in pain. A fall from that height with the weight of an entire other person landing on top of him? Yeah, he’d been hurting for a while, but it was nothing he couldn’t manage… he’d been through worse after all. “It’s just his mental state we’re worrying about right now… it was a tough hour he spent talking to the boy.”

May nodded, looking between the two women and Athena should have known May would push a little further – she was her daughter after all.

“There’s more though, right?” May asked. “It’s not just the suicide thing. Something else happened.”

Maddie smiled at her, and Athena saw her give her hand another squeeze. “That’s Buck’s to say May.”

May nodded but Athena could sense she wasn’t about to leave it alone. May bit her lip, looking down at the table as though she was unsure she should bring what she wanted to say up. “Is it because he likes guys to?”

May _knew_?

“How in the world do you know that?” Athena asked, sharing a shocked look with Maddie.

May gave Athena a guilty look. “Dad took us out for dinner one-night last year; I saw Buck at a table in the restaurant but when I went to say hi while Dad and Harry went to the restroom this guy turned up. Buck greeted him with a kiss.” May had never mentioned this before. Athena couldn’t help but wonder _when_ exactly this had happened. May shrugged, still looking down at the table. “Nothing had ever been said about Buck liking guys and I remembered how hard it have been for Dad to admit him being gay to us, so I figure he didn’t want anyone to know. I told Dad that I didn’t like the look of the menu even though it was my turn to pick where we ate. I persuaded him to let Harry pick somewhere else, so we did. I think we managed to get out before Buck saw us, but he never said anything if he had.”

As much as Athena didn’t like the idea of her daughter keeping secrets – her own or others – she couldn’t help but be proud of her for keeping this one. It was never okay to out someone against their will, and Buck hadn’t wanted anyone to know. She looked at Maddie, who indicated that it would be okay.

“Buck admitted that he was bisexual in front of everyone,” Maddie said, keeping her voice even. “he was sympathising with the boy because their situations were so similar.”

“So,” May said slowly with a frown, trying to understand fully what Buck had been through that morning. “He not only admitted his sexuality and that he’s not straight like everyone thought, but that he’d attempted suicide when he was a teenager?”

“Yeah, baby,” Athena said, reaching to grip May’s hand again.

“In front of a bunch of people who he had barely spoken to in the last few months?” May said and she sounded… angry. She shook both Maddie and Athena’s hands off, rubbing furiously at her eyes. She stood abruptly, pushing the chair back hard enough that it almost toppled over; Athena was ready to interject and stop her tirade when May started pacing. “I think we should make brownies… and cookies… and have ice cream and hot chocolate with marshmallows because that always make me feel better when I’m sad – do we even have marshmallows?”

Athena stared wide-eyed at her daughter as she listed all the things she thought they should make. She nodded slowly, pointing to the top of the fridge.

May nodded to herself. “Good. I’ll finish dinner and once Harry’s in bed we can pig out on the couch with blankets.”

Maddie laughed, Athena joining right in with her. Maddie stood, pulling May into a hug, giving her a quick kiss to the head. “I think Buck would really like that.

“Buck would like what?”

All three of them jumped, having not heard Buck come back in. He was looking at them quizzically, but not unkindly, phone held limply in his hand. May all but jumped at Buck, earning a pained ‘oomph’ from him and she wrapped her arms round his middle, holding on tightly and burying her face in his chest.

“Comfort food,” Athena heard May mumble.

“Thanks,” Buck said slowly, confused as he patted her lightly on the back.

May unwrapped her arms from him, excusing herself before hurrying away. Athena suspecting that she’d gone to compose herself in her room and vowed to check on her in a couple of minutes if she hadn’t returned by then. She looked at Buck, finding him staring at the space May had disappeared to.

“What…” he said, looking at her and Maddie in turn. “What was that all about?”

“She was asking questions,” she said, knowing it would be best to be honest with him about what May knew, “about neither of us being at work and why you were here.”

Buck looked down at his feet. “And you told her.” Bucks voice was quiet, almost like he was ashamed, and she didn’t want that. He had nothing to be ashamed about.

“Buck, look at me,” Athena said, coming to stand in front of him, waiting as he reluctantly did so. “She figured out on her own that you’d try to kill yourself; she heard part of the conversation.”

“Right.”

Maddie came to join them, wrapping her arm round her brothers waist and resting her head on his arm. “But she already knew about your bisexuality – which was a surprise to us.”

Buck’s snapped up comically. “She what?”

“Mm,” Athena said with a smile, chuckling. “Apparently she saw you on a date with a guy sometime last year, knew you wasn’t out and steered Michael and Harry away so they wouldn’t see.”

Buck’s eyes were wide, mouth shaped in a perfect ‘o’. He blinked a few times, clearing his throat, frowning. “Huh.”

She patted his cheek before nudging him slightly to get him moving to the table, gesturing for him to take May’s vacant seat. Maddie pulled her chair round, sitting close to him while Athena reclaimed her own seat, taking a sip of her coffee only to turn her nose up when she realised it had turned cold. Athena figured that she’d give the siblings a minute alone, grabbing both her and Maddie’s mugs and taking them to the kitchen. She busied herself with making fresh drinks but kept an ear open to their conversation.

“What did Elizabeth say?” she heard Maddie say. She suspected Maddie was keeping her voice purposely loud enough for her to hear, and she had to smile.

“I’m seeing her a couple of days early, but she couldn’t physically fit me in until three days from now,” came Buck’s quiet reply and she had to strain to hear him even though he was only a couple of feet away. She checked on the dinner May had in the oven, rotating the dish so it cooked evenly on both sides. “She thinks taking a week or so off after what happened today is a good idea, that it will give me time to properly process what happened.”

Good, Athena thought as she moved back to the coffee machine. Buck _did_ need some time to process everything that had happened… and she personally didn’t think it was a good idea for him to return to the tense atmosphere of the firehouse. She’d felt it radiating off everything the moment they turned up at the call, and she was surprised to have seen Buck with them at all – last she’d heard Bobby say about it; he wasn’t allowing Buck on calls.

“I -,” Buck said slowly, and she slowed her movements just enough to be able to focus on their conversation but not enough for Buck to realise she was listening. “I asked her what her on was on me transferring out of the one-eighteen.”

Athena almost dropped the mug she was holding. Taking time off was one thing, but thinking about requesting a transfer? _That_ was something else… a very serious decision that she hoped he would not take lightly. It was something Buck would need to _really_ think about… but if she knew him at all, she knew if he had brought the possibility up to his therapist, then it was something he was seriously considering.

“You want to transfer?”

“I don’t know.” Athena knew without seeing that he’d said it was a shrug. “Maybe.”

It wasn’t a maybe. Athena knew it wasn’t a maybe. She could tell by the tone of Buck’s voice that he’d reached his limit and his decision was already made, and that all he needed was the assurance that he was doing the right thing.

“What did she day?”

“That it might be a good idea,” Buck admitted quietly and to Athena, that cemented to her that that’s what he was going to do. Today would most likely be the last day he worked at the one-eighteen. “She said we’d discuss it in depth when I see her though.”

“Is that something you want?” Maddie asked, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“I think I want to be happy, Mads, and -,”

Buck cut himself with a sharp intake of breath and Athena almost turned and made her way back to the table, but she stopped herself, knowing that the siblings needed this time alone. She did decide to quietly leave them to it, making her way passed and glancing towards the pair as she did. Maddie had Buck wrapped in her arms while his shoulders shook. Athena’s heart broke for him as she left to go find May.

“It’s okay, Buck,” she heard Maddie say and she walked further away from them. “It’s okay.”

* * *

Buck felt emotionally drained as he sat at Athena’s dining table with his hands wrapped round a fresh mug of tea. She’d returned from wherever she’d disappeared to while he and Maddie had been talking with May in tow, who had given him another long hug before finishing preparing dinner, which smelt amazing, but he still had next to no appetite. Maddie had yet to leave his side after he admitted he wanted to transfer out of the one-eighteen.

His conversation with Elizabeth was not a long one. She hadn’t been able to stay on the phone for long, but the ten minutes he spent talking to her was enough for him to recap the day and broach the idea of a transfer. The words had been out of his mouth before he could register what he was saying but as he heard them, he realised how _right_ they sounded. He would still take the time off, but the very real possibility was that he would be returning to work in a different firehouse. Working with a different crew, a different team, sounded daunting but it would be a fresh start, and maybe that was what he needed.

Buck listened idlily to the conversation around him. Michael’s new partner, May’s first real crush, a case Athena had worked on last week and a ridiculous call Maddie had taken at the dispatch centre, but Buck wasn’t able to focus, too caught up in his own mind to really listen. He wasn’t drawn out of he thoughts until Athena was calling Harry for dinner and the doorbell was ringing.

This had Buck sliding out of his chair and following May as she went to the door, wiping his now sweaty palms on his pants (he had yet to change out of his uniform, though he would until after dinner now to do so). He stayed back, keeping his head down and waiting. He listened as May greeted Carla, hearing her voice even though he couldn’t see her. He heard May greet someone else and then he heard the tell-tale sounds of crutches hitting the floor, still not looking up until…

“BUCK!”

Buck raised his head then, seeing the grin plastered on Chris’ face. Chris all but tried to launch himself at him, Buck catching him and twirling the boy around before his crutches could hit the top step. Buck had one hand wrapped round Chris’ middle and the other buried in his hair, his head resting on top of Chris’ while he pressed his face into Bucks chest. Buck hoisted Chris’ legs round his wait, moving to sit on the couch. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Buck found his voice.

“Hey, Superman!” he said, gently moving Chris so he could see his face, getting a good look at him. “Look at you, you’ve gotten bigger!”

Wasn’t that the truth. Chris had definitely grown since the last time Buck saw him. It made his chest hurt realising how much he’d missed. Chris grinned at him, laughing.

“No I haven’t.”

“Have to,” he said, tickling Chris’ sides, making him laugh harder. “You’re huge!”

“Bucky!” Chris laughed so hard and tried to squirm from Buck’s grip that he almost slipped right from his lap, Buck having to grip on to him tighter to stop him from falling. Chris curled into him again, going quiet and it worried Buck. “I missed you.”

“I missed you to, Superman,” Buck whispered as he pressed his face into Chris’ hair, his heart breaking. “I missed you so much.”

“You went away.”

Forget his heart breaking. It _shattered_.

“Not on purpose,” he said, kissing the top of Chris’ head, feeling so immensely guilty for letting things get so out of hand. “I’d never go away on purpose, Chris.”

“I thought you didn’t want to spend time with me anymore.”

“No, Chris. Listen to me, okay?” Buck said, hating with every fibre of his being that Chris was somehow blaming himself for this. He lifted Chris off his lap and placed him down on the couch, kneeling in front of him. He held both of his small hands in one of his, using the other to comb Chris’ hair out of his face. He gently tilted Chris’ head back, dipping his own to look at him. “You did nothing wrong. It had _nothing_ to do with you. It was -,”

“Adult stuff?” Chris said with a groan and Buck had to smile. That was one way of putting it.

“Yeah, bud,” Buck agreed, combing through Chris’ hair again. “Adult stuff.”

“Is that over now?”

_No_ , Buck’s brain instantly replied. It was far from over, but Chris’ was just a kid, he didn’t need to know the ins and outs of the very, _very_ messy situation the adults in is life found themselves in. His voice, his question, was so innocent Buck had to nod.

“Almost, buddy, almost… but you’re here now and -,”

Buck was cut off by Chris’ small hand pressing against his cheek, very reminiscent of they way it had done the day on the pier, right before the tsunami hit. “It’s gonna be okay, kid.”

He tried to smile, but he was momentarily transported back to that day, of everything being fine before shit hit the fan. He took a shuddering breath, scooping Chris back into his arms, letting himself be grounded by the weight of him.

“Yeah, Chris, everything’s gonna be okay.”

* * *

A couple of hours later found Athena and Buck alone on the couch; Maddie had left for her shift at the dispatch centre, Carla was returning later to collect Chris and Harry and he were in Harry’s bedroom playing videogames. May had gone to shower and change, leaving the two of them alone. Buck had showered and changed out of his uniform into sweats and an old t-shirt that he would sleep in after dinner, while the youngest two were still eating (he’d been informed that he was sleeping there – no arguments). It had given him an opportunity to be alone, even if it was only for ten minutes. He’d returned to find the table cleared, the dishwasher running and Chris waiting to spend time with him. He’d spent the last couple of hours playing with Chris and Harry, talking to Chris about everything he’d missed, telling him that he wasn’t the only one that had nightmares and it was okay to talk about them, that doing so made it easier to deal with them (hypocritical seeing as he didn’t talk about his nightmares to anyone – not even his therapist).

Buck hadn’t wanted to let Christopher disappear from his sight, but Harry had begged for the two of them to be allowed to play in his room for a little while and Buck had had to relent. Who was he to deny those faces? It was a Friday night, neither of them had school and Carla wasn’t due to pick Chris up for another hour; they could have twenty minutes before Buck stole his favourite boy back. He was curled into Athena’s side, her hands running absently through his hair as they talked about meaningless things, nothing remotely close to the events of the day. The sound of two chattering boys had Buck sitting straight, a smile on his face.

“You okay, boys?”

There was a glint in Harry’s eye that Buck had only ever seen when he was about to ask for something, and Chris was openly grinning. They shared a look that had Buck snorting and Athena chuckling.

“Can Chris stay here tonight?” Harry asked sweetly, looking between Buck and Athena. “I found a spare toothbrush in the bathroom and Buck can read us stories and -,”

“Buck reads stories the best,” Chris piped up with, as if that would help their case. “He does voices.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, nodding. “If – if Buck wants to.”

Buck would _love_ to read them stories. It had been a long time since he’d done it, and he’d always strangely got a sense of enjoyment out of doing so… he thought it might because the smiles he got. He’d read to Harry and Denny when they were brought to the firehouse (May would always sit close with her nose buried in her phone pretending not to listen but would smile when he did a funny voice) and he would read to Chris some nights when he stayed at the Diaz household late enough for bedtime. He missed it… but it wasn’t his decision.

“It’s not up to us,” he said gently, gesturing between him and Athena and looking directly at the boys, nodding to Chris. “It’s up to your dad.”

It was up to Eddie. Eddie had let Chris come and see him, and Carla was coming back in less than an hour to pick him up and take him home, where she’d stay with him until Eddie got off shift.

“You can ask him,” Chris said innocently, and oh how Buck wished it was that simple.

Athena sent both boys away with a promise that as long as it was okay with Eddie, then it would be okay with her. They’d both been content with that answer and had trailed back to Harry’s room while Buck was left chewing his bottom lip. Of course he wanted Chris to stay. Of course he wanted to spent more time with him (even if it was a given that he’d spend the rest of the time till it was time to sleep with Harry), but he’d be _there_ , only a few rooms away. Athena slipped her arms round him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to call him?”

Buck instantly shook his head. He may not want to speak to Eddie, but he also didn’t want Athena to do it for him. He was a grown man, he could do this… or not, he realised, as he pulled his phone out. He stared at Eddie’s contact when he pulled it up. He bit his lip.

“I’ll text him.”

Athena said nothing, just patted his shoulder and got up, heading for the kitchen with promises of bringing him back a brownie she and May had made earlier. He thumbed open the message icon, typing and retyping a message before finally hitting send before he could second-guess himself again.

_[19:27] **Can Chris stay with me tonight?**_

Buck tried not to be disheartened when there wasn’t a near instant response (not that he really expected there to be). He held his breath, waiting and when he had still received no reply five minutes later he started to worry, not really considering anything other that maybe Eddie didn’t trust him to have Chris overnight. Why would he?

_[19:34] **I’m staying at Athena’s if you’re worried about his safety.**_

Buck threw his phone on cushion beside him, covering his face with his hands and groaning. There could be a perfectly logical explanation why Eddie hadn’t responded after the first message; maybe they were on a call? Maybe he was in the shower after a call? Maybe he’d left his phone on the table while helping Bobby with dinner? Buck instantly scrapped that idea – Bobby would never let Eddie help with dinner (not after he’d let a pan of pasta over boil, and they’d had to order take-out because they hadn’t managed to go grocery shopping yet). He couldn’t stop the worry creeping in, the doubt. The buzzing of his phone made him jump and he grabbed it, seeing the photo of Eddie and Chris he had for Eddie contact photo lighting up the screen. His heart pounded in his chest s he swiped the screen, trying to keep his voice even.

“Hey.”

Eddie’s breath came through ragged, like he’d just been running. “ _Sorry, we were just finishing up a call; I couldn’t answer,_ ” he said, and Buck hated that he felt relief knowing _that’s_ why Eddie hadn’t answered. “ _I trust you with Christopher. You know I do_.”

Did he? Did Buck know? It had been so long. “Still?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“ _Always, Buck. That never changed_.” Buck tried not to choke up. Being told he was still trusted with Chris after everything felt like one of the most important things in the world. “ _No matter what happens between us,_ that _will never change and I’m sorry for making you feel like it had._ ”

“Thank you,” Buck said, but he didn’t quite know how to feel at Eddie’s last statement. He… didn’t want his sorry, and he didn’t know why it felt so wrong to hear but it was something he didn’t want to unpack now, that’s not why he wanted to talk to him. He cleared his throat. “So, can he?”

Eddie let out a sigh Buck could hear down the phone. “ _Yeah, he can._ ” Buck felt as though Eddie wanted to say more but was stopping himself. “ _Ask Athena if he can borrow something of Harry’s to wear for bed, I’ll call Carla and tell her the change of plans._ ”

“I’m pretty sure the two of them already have that sorted,” Buck said with a chuckled, spying Harry poking his head round the wall, listening to Buck on the phone. He shot him a thumbs up, letting him know they were good to go, and he watched in amusement as Harry threw a fist in the air before running off. “Harry found him a toothbrush. They had a plan.”

Eddie chuckled along with him before they found themselves left with an awkward silence. It was a good minute before Eddie spoke again.

“ _I – I have no right to ask if you’re okay._ ”

A tiny part of Buck wanted to disagree, but the logical part told him that Eddie hadn’t been bothering before today, why does he get to now?

“I don’t know if I am.” He wasn’t, but he didn’t want to really admit that over the phone. In all honesty, he just wanted to end the call now, but he didn’t have it in him to.

“ _Buck,_ ” Eddie’s voice was nearly a whisper and Buck closed his eyes to it. “ _I – I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through the last few weeks._ ” Buck bit his lip to keep from replying. “ _When – when you’re ready for me to be your friend again, I’ll be here.”_

Buck shook his head, even though he knew Eddie couldn’t see him. At this moment in time, the way he felt… he didn’t know if that was something he wanted. “What if I’m never ready?”

“ _I’ll wait forever for you, Buck.”_

Buck sucked in a breath. Eddie sounded _genuine_ , raw emotion present in his voice and Buck didn’t know what to do with it. “Eddie…”

“ _You have no reason to believe me, not after… doesn’t mean it’s not true though,_ ” Eddie said sadly. “ _Chris isn’t at school, I’ll have Carla -,_ ”

“No,” Buck found himself saying.

“ _Buck -,_ ”

“Come and get him yourself when your shift ends in the morning.” Buck couldn’t seem to stop the words from pouring out his mouth. “Come back with Bobby.”

There was a beat of silence, the only sound being Eddie’s breathing over the line before finally…

“ _Are you sure?_ ”

_No_. “We need to talk… and it needs to be sooner rather than later.”

The more Buck thought about it… the more he seemed to think it would be a good idea. His mind was in overdrive. _He_ knew he would be taking some time off. _He_ knew that he would most likely be transferring out of the one-eighteen. _He_ knew he probably wouldn’t be seeing much of them for a while, and he knew he needed to do it with a clear head.

“Bucky,” Chris said quietly, how Buck had missed him appearing beside him he didn’t know. “Can you read us a story now?”

“Yeah, I can,” Buck said, blinking a few times and clearing his throat, holding his phone out for Chris to take. “Wanna say goodnight to your dad first?”

Chris nodded and took the phone. Buck tried not to listen in to the conversation, too busy mentally slapping himself for not really thinking before speaking… now he had to mentally prepare himself for the onslaught of emotion there would undoubtably be tomorrow. He was draw, back to the present by a light tapping to his hand.

“Here.”

He gave Chris the brightest smile he could, taking the phone and ruffling hair. He watched Chris disappear back in the direction of Harry’s room before bring the phone back to his ear.

“I have to go.”

“ _I’ll see you tomorrow, Buck,_ ” Eddie said softly.

Buck nodded to himself. “Night, Eddie. Stay safe.”

He hung up the phone before Eddie could say anything else and closed his eyes, giving himself a minute before getting up and trudging towards where the boys were waiting for him, plastering a smile to his face and knocking on the door.

He was in for another rough day tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my pretties! I do apologise; I did intend to have this out on the 4th but I just... didn't have it in me. I'm a mum, work full time, have a man-child... I'm not entirely happy with the last 2800 words as I feel I kinda rushed it but I wanted it out and I've been working on it for three weeks and I have my supervisor final sign-off tomorrow and I'm absolutely bricking and arghghhghgh
> 
> Hope you all like it, stay tuned for the 5th and final chapter of part 1 (coming, hopefully, in three weeks or less)
> 
> Stay safe, 
> 
> Courts x

**Author's Note:**

> If you managed to get through this first chapter, well done and thank you. 
> 
> I've been working on this for almost a year. Originally supposed to be a small multichapter based on the aftermath of the Lawsuit arc, it changed to a one-shot that fast became one of the largest I'd ever written (Over 11k words in dialogue ALONE from start to finish). I made the decision to cut it into 5 chapters and expand it into a series of 5 works. 
> 
> I'm not the most secure in my writing, and I've been debating for months whether to continue writing this or just to let it go but I've given so much time to it (the idea was born at about 3am one morning early into the UKs first lockdown, and spent right up until I went back to work at the end of June expanding and expanding on it until it was a damn monster).
> 
> If you like this, and want to keep reading, great! Feel free to leave feedback, I'll welcome criticism and ideas. If you didn't, that's fine to, its not going to be for everybody. 
> 
> Much love everyone, keep safe
> 
> Court x


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